


Actually

by Piper_Emerald



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, But im still emo so don't expect a lot of mushy Christmas fluff, Christmas, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/F, F/M, Galaxy Gals, Hanukkah, Holidays, M/M, Some angst, Tree Bros, Yes this is based off of love actually, boyf riends - Freeform, but less than my normal stuff, its that time of year people, just as the over arching main story, let my spread my holiday gayness, richjake, several stories at once, zolana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-15 02:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 50,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13021755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Emerald/pseuds/Piper_Emerald
Summary: Connor would like to get through the shittiest time of the year without a fight, a mistake, and a cute boy with a cast on his arm getting in his way.Michael just wants things with his best friend to get back to normal, regardless of unrequited feelings.Zoe isn’t even sure why Alana Beck is dead set on making her life a living hell right now or why it’s getting so under her skin.Jake has fully realized that being strong enough to protect the one person he cares about means falling into a mess himself.And Evan is really just hoping Connor can see he’s not scared of him after all.One season, six interlocking stories, and the very hard to deny proof that love is actually all around.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note before we get into this: The Heeres, Hansens, and Jared are jewish and I’m not gonna erase that in order to inject Christmas feels into their segments. There’s not gonna be as much about Hanukkah as I’d like since I don’t want to misrepresent them or their culture. Since this is a Christmas fic with the idea and name taken form a Christmas movie, in this au everyone else for the most part celebrates the Christmas.
> 
> Also this has nothing to do with the actual plot of Love Actually, I just took the interlocking holiday love stories idea.

Connor had always thought that this was the shittiest time of year. When he was a kid it meant long parties his parents would drag him a Zoe too so that they could sit at a large table in itchy clothes and pretend that they were the picture perfect angle children that everyone stop trying to see them as. Now it meant watching overly cheery people hang overly cheery decor while they all acted like they weren’t half frozen and secretly sick of hearing the same songs on loop for the past twenty fucking years.

Connor hated the holidays and he hated the people who thrived off it. Aside for the awkward and loud first few weeks of each year, this was his least favorite time to be trapped in the concrete prison of his high school. The heaters were never warm enough and the excessive amounts of tinsel and glitter scattered through the hallways hurt to look at.

As he suffered through the walk to his first class with his hands stuffed in the not that protective pockets of his too worn coat, Connor tried to remind himself that he really only needed to force himself through two more days and the exams that he hadn’t been able to get out of. Then he’d be stranded in his house listening to his mother’s overplayed Christmas albums for three weeks, but at least that meant he wouldn’t have to endure eight hours of prison a day.

If he were to write both out, Connor wasn’t sure if his list of why he hated high school would be longer or shortened than why he despised the holidays. But he was supposed to try to focus on the bright side of things. He was shit at doing that.

When he pushed his way through the hallway each morning, Connor made a point not to notice on the people around him. Usually it wasn’t that hard, having no friends made it easy not to single people out. However, today he found his eyes lingering on the only person aside from himself not dressed in a clashing assortment of red and green.

It made sense that this was Evan Hansen.

He hadn’t gotten his cast off yet. Connor was pretty sure that would happen soon. When they were kids and Zoe broke her leg she only for her cast for a month and a half. Connor remembered how many of the kids in her class had scribbled illegible positive messages and drawn shitty flowers on the plaster. Evan Hansen only had one name.

The poor kid probably wished Connor hadn’t offered to sign it, even if that meant everyone around him would know he had no friends. Connor only realized he was staring when Evan glanced in his direction for less than a second. Very quickly his eyes darted away. That was fair.

The two times Connor had interacted with this boy ended with him screaming in his face. If anyone had a right to think Connor was crazy, it was Evan Hansen. If Connor wasn’t so certain that Evan would run when he approached him, he would have tried to apologize. The first week of school had been Connor’s rock bottom, and maybe someone like Evan Hansen would understand that.

Hidden in one of his desk draws, Connor still had the letter he’d snatched off of the kid. Sometimes he looked at it. Sometimes it made him feel too guilty, because in the anger and heat of the moment he’d accused the only person in their entire school who was probably in as much pain as he was of fucking with him. He’d been so lost and so at the end of his rope that day that flying off the handle felt natural.

It was because of that day that this holiday was going to be so hard. His family was still figuring out how to dance around all the “Connor wanted to die” shit, and throwing occasions that brought out the worst in all of them wasn’t going to help. His mother had already canceled the stupid ski trip they used to take after New Years, and his father was already moving around his work schedule so that the family could “bond” over too dry turkey and over sugared cookies. They were expecting too much and too little at the same time and it was going to suffocate him, he was sure of it.

Connor stopped to take a breath. People pushed past him. No one really had any patience these days.

It hadn’t been a good morning. He was still pissed about that and didn’t exactly have his usual outlets anymore. That was fine, he’d get over it eventually, he just needed to fucking breathe.

Fighting with his sister was normal, in fact it used to be part of their morning routines. Get up, brush teeth, yell at Zoe, get high. Well, the last one had become wishful thinking in the recent months.

He wasn’t mad because of the argument. He’d woken up with a slight headache and it was easy to lash out at her and the stupid decorations she was throwing around the living room. Picking at each other wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. Maybe he’d blown it out of proportion, but what he used to love about Zoe was that she didn’t take his shit. For a second that morning he’d thought she was going to throw a snow globe at him, but instead she’d taken a breath and backed off. She’d offered to scale down the decor she set up every year if it bothered him this much.

That wasn’t supposed to hurt. She didn’t used to look at him like a wounded animal. Ever since the incident she’d been careful to side step disagreements. It didn’t feel considerate, it just seemed like a tacky form of pity their parents were forcing her to conform to.

When they got home at the end of the day, he decided he’d tell her to keep the lights and paper snowmen up. He was just being a jerk. He was just lashing out because she loved this time of year and, like everything normal people enjoyed, it just made him sick.

* * *

Alana adored the holidays. She loved the food, the music, and how connected everyone always seemed around these months.

As a rule, Alana maintained one project outside of her classes no matter what time of year it was. Typically, it either revolved the surrounding community or just her high school in general. With her college applications about to be sent out, right now was really her last chance to add one big accomplishment. That was why she was currently in charge of the school’s holiday concert—which most of the student body seemed not to know existed.

That was the main reason Alana wanted to help. She knew that the members of band, jazz band, and orchestra worked hard each year and were more talented than most expected. Still, it was rare for them to get the funding for the concert to be anything near extravagant, and in the least Alana was determined to fill the audience seats.

Getting administration on board hadn’t been that hard, all she really had to do was turn the concert into a community event and make it seem new and exciting. That meant the next day she was hosting auditions for other acts to perform between the numbers and had talked to the bands about putting some new songs in their line up.

Was she completely qualified for this? No, not really. But she was excited and rarely did something she’d set her mind on fall through.

As she walked into school that day, Alana felt good. She was getting her books out of her far too small locker when Zoe Murphy walked up to her.

“Hey, Alana, could I talk to you for a sec?” She had a tentative smile on her face.

Zoe was in jazz band, and Alana had been in classes with her brother in freshman and sophomore year. Out of the people she was trying to work with for the concert, Alana could tell Zoe was one of the most passionate about her music. Alana liked watching people like that. It was inspiring.

“Sure,” she said brightly. “Actually, I’d been meaning to track you down. Do you think someone from jazz band could help me with the auditions tomorrow? I’d love to have a second opinion.”

“Yeah, about that,” Zoe started. “Listen, I’m sorry, but we’ve used the same format for the concert for years, they’ve been playing the same numbers since before I started going here.”

“I know,” Alana stated. “It’s repetitive. We need something fresh this year.”

“And I get that but,” Zoe exhaled. “Do you really think that having an open mic is a good idea?”

Alana wasn’t sure she’d exactly call what she was trying to do with the show that, but there was a grimace on Zoe’s face she wasn’t sure she understood.

“Well,” she pushed confidence into her voice. “I’ll make sure that everyone involved can handle the commitment.”

“It’s just,” Zoe interjected. “This is our thing. The rest of the school doesn’t care about band, or orchestra, or jazz band and it sucks but making this into a talent show isn’t gonna change that.”

Oh, that was what this was about.

“I already finalized this with the he’d of the music program and the vice principal,” Alana voiced.

“I’m sorry,” Zoe brushed a strand of hair out of her face.

“No, _I’m_ sorry,” Alana told her. “I can’t change my plan now.”

She meant to walk away here, the warning bell was going to ring soon and they both needed to get to class, but Zoe wasn’t done.

“Yeah, that’s just the thing,” she cleared her throat. “I’m not the first person who tried to tell you that this was a bad idea, and you didn’t listen to anyone else either.”

Alana wanted to remind her that they school refused to give the concert sufficient funding before she stepped in. She was pulling so many people’s weight with this, and if others had ideas and not just complaints then she was happy to listen to them. But Zoe didn’t have a solution, she just had a problem with how Alana was doing the job.

“Zoe, I’m glad this is important to you,” she placed her hand on Zoe’s shoulder. “It’s important to me to.”

“Is it?” Zoe asked. “Because it seems to me like you’re trying to swoop in and make it about you.”

Alana removed her hand. She pressed her lips into a tighter smile.

“I’m not,” she stated. “I need to go to class.”

“Right,” Zoe took a step back, no longer blocking her way. “I’m sorry.”

“I appreciate your opinion,” Alana let her know before walking away.

* * *

Over his three and a half years of high school, Michael had sat through seven school plays. Three voluntarily, the rest with a little bit of bribery, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t enjoyed watching. There was something funny about how, under the right degree, the people he usually passed in the hall could shift into something else entirely.

He couldn’t do it. Not that he’d tried, it just really had never interested him. He wasn’t the kind of person who jumped into the artistic madness. Instead he was used to finding himself on the sidelines. There was nothing wrong with being the audience member. He had to remind himself of that sometimes.

Michael used to imagine his high school life as a video game. Each day was a new level and each bully, teacher, or challenge another boss to beat. That made things relatively simple. Michael could mentally lay out each day as a battle him and his best friend would strategize through, dodging most of the damage and regaining their strength through eating copious amount of chips and drinking vintage soda on weekends.

It took a long time for him to realize that video games really were unrealistic.

So now the cafeteria floor in front of him morphed into a dimly lit stage. The loud, obnoxious high schoolers around him faded into backdrops and extras. Each role in this story was uniquely quirky and the plot was too messy to critique. Here Michael was audience member, leading role, playwright, and none of these all at once.

That was what high school felt like right now.

“No, Matt Smith is not a better Doctor than David Tennant,” Christine had her hands on her hips. Energy radiated around her. Michael hadn’t quite figured out how she managed to have so much all the time.

Christine Canigula wasn’t the first thing that came to mind when one pictured a leading lady. She could step into the role of one beautifully, but the hyper bubble around her blocked out the tailored behaviors Michael observed the other girls in their high school pick up. Still, that hadn’t stopped guys from noticing her. Well, Michael was pretty sure everyone noticed her energy. He wasn’t sure if that was what boys saw in her. He’d never been sure what normal boys saw in anyone.

“I didn’t say he was better,” Michael said back to her. “I just said that I liked him more.”

“That’s basically the same thing,” Christine liked dramatics as long as they weren’t real.

Since they started hanging out, the two of them had a handful of joke arguments they liked to dig up. He wasn’t sure they’d ever had a deep conversation, but that was alright. The stage was set for a comedy, and dwelling on deep details would slow the pace.

“Well, don’t you only like Tennant because he also played Hamlet?” Michael pointed out.

“He might be God,” her voiced lowered at that, an unwavering look settling in her eyes.

“I can’t tell if you’re joking,” Michael laughed.

“She’s not,” said the love of Michael’s life. Maybe using those words to describe Jeremy was a bit extreme.

Jeremy Heere was lead, in whatever show their high school was putting on and in the story that only existed in Michael’s mind. He’d occupied this role from the moment Michael met him back when they were seven, and the second he realized he was in love with him three years ago. Jeremy was the only real friend Michael ever had. Jeremy was one of the few people that Michael would do anything for. Jeremy was a mess in the most amazing and adorable way.

Jeremy was also heterosexual and dating Christine. But, hey, no one was perfect.

“I’ve asked several times,” Jeremy kept talking. “It’s not a joke.”

Michael nodded, his expression mirroring Christine’s mock serious one, before directing his attention back to the argument.

“Hey,” he started. “I’m just saying that if he had the same writers behind him more people would recognize how great Eleven was.”

“I can’t trust your opinion on anything anymore,” Christine shook her head.

“He did drink expired soda,” Jeremy chipped in. "So that’s not exactly a bad choice.”

“That was once,” Michael said in his defense.

“That we know of,” Jeremy replied. A grin played on his lips. Michael liked it when he smiled like that, even if it was at his expense. It made him feel like they were in on some private joke.

The smile faltered for a second. Michael followed his gaze to Christine who was currently staring at a handful of kids that had been in the most recent play. Even before Jeremy and Christine started dating, the three of them had never had a click. Christine used to go from group to group, Michael only knew this because Jeremy used to watch her back when he was still pining.

Back then Michael and Jeremy were just Michael and Jeremy. Now that there was three of them it felt less like a unit and more like an alliance. Sometimes that was great. Sometimes it wasn’t.

"Um, do you wanna sit with them?” Jeremy asked his girlfriend.

“No,” Christine snapped back into focus. “I was just spacing out.”

She dropped her tray at their now usual table. Jeremy sat next to her. Neither of them acknowledged the tension around them.

“I’m gonna get a yogurt,” Michael decided.

It was awkward enough witnessing an argument, but Jeremy and Christine didn’t argue. They just quietly waited for the other one to let go of whatever was bothering them, because Christine was too nice and Jermey was too afraid of confrontation.

“You can have mine,” Christine offered.

“That’s okay,” he tried.

“No, take it,” she dropped it on his tray. “I don’t like strawberry anyway.”

“Thanks,” Michael slid into the seat across from them. Successfully trapped in the uncomfortable air.

“Did you figure out what the spring show is?” Jeremy attempted to make conversation.

“Not yet,” the gleam in Christine’s eyes was back again.

They talked about this a lot. Christine was certain that she could convince their drama teacher to tell her what play they were doing in the next term. Jermey and Michael (but mainly Jermey) listened to her schemes of how to do this. It hadn’t amounted to anything, but she said it was only a matter of time.

Michael’s questionings to Christine’s plotting were cut off by the only other person in their school half as hyper as Christine approaching their table.

“Alana, hi,” Christine greeted Alana Beck.

Michael was pretty sure every show had a character like Alana. In this one, he wasn’t sure if she was a central role or occasional comic relief. Alana was someone who cared a lot about everything and might actually care about nothing. Michael had talked to her a handful of times, but he was pretty sure that was because Alana talked to everyone.

Right now her attention reached over him to Christine and Jeremy. As oddballs and outcasts went, Michael had always figured they stood out better than he did. For Jeremy this was mainly because of his girlfriend, and for Christine it was because of the never-dampened presence she carried with her.

“I wasn’t sure if you two saw the flyers I put up,” Alana was saying.

“For the talent show thing?” Jeremy asked.

“Holiday Concert,” Alana corrected.

“Oh, sorry,” he looked embarrassed. Michael knew that look well.

“That’s fine,” her smile didn’t falter. “I was wondering if I could count on you to prepare something? After your performance in the play last month I’d be happy to wave your audition.”

"That’s nice,” Christine started. “But we’re kinda more actors than musicians.”

“But you sang a little bit in the show,” Alana probably had that response preplanned. “It’s just like that but you won’t be a character.”

“That’s not exactly the same thing,” Jeremy stated.

“I’m sure you could do it,” Alana kept going. “And everyone loves seeing you two on stage together. It’s so motivating.”

“It is?” Something passed over Christine’s face that Michael knew he was the only one to catch.

“Sure,” Jeremy said. “We’ll figure something out.”

“Really?” Alana beamed. “Thank you so much.”

Once she was gone, Christine gave Jermey a pointed look.

“What?” He asked sheepishly. “She seemed kinda desperate.”

“Well she has to deal with all the kids who think that they can drop out of school and be rappers,” Michael voiced. He couldn’t think of many things that could get him to want to hold open talent auditions at this school.

"I’m not sure,” Christine started, but then turned to Michael. “Wait, they actually think that?”

“Oh yeah,” Micheal nodded.

“I can tell her we don’t want to,” Jermey was catching on now.

“No, no, it sounds fun,” Christine said too quickly.

The conversation stayed surface level for the rest of lunch. Christine usually left five minutes early since her next class was on the other side of campus and she liked to arrive early and prepared. Michael was usually a little bit late to his class after lunch. That was probably because he wasn’t entirely sure when lunch ended. He and Jermey usually gaged that off of about when everyone else left the cafeteria.

Jeremy was waving his hand in front of his face.

“Earth to Michael,” he drew out the words.

“What?” Michael blinked at him.

“Thought so,” Jermey grinned.

“What?” Michael asked again.

“You were spacing out,” Jeremy said triumphantly.

“Okay, Jere,” Michael just shook his head. “Hey, is everything alright?”

This probably wasn’t the best time. Truth be told, Michael wasn’t sure there ever was going to be a best time. They didn’t see as much of each other as they used to, and when they did checking in on Jermey didn’t feel the way it used to.

“Yeah, everything is great,” Jermey lied. Michael didn’t call him out this time. “You stressed about finals?”

“Nope,” Michael popped the ‘p.’

“Lucky,” Jermey huffed. “You free this weekend? We haven’t played video games in a while.”

That was because Jeremy usually wasn’t free on weekends anymore, but Michael wasn’t going to make a big deal about that. Jeremy had his life, Michael had his. He wasn’t going to be the sort of friend who sulked when Jermey wasn’t around. At least, he was going to try very hard not to be that friend.

“Yeah, I think so,” Michael nodded.

“Great,” Jermey beamed.

“Doesn’t Christine get really bored when we drag her to that stuff, though?” Michael didn’t want to be the reason they got into another awkward not-fight.

“Oh, she’s gonna be studying all weekend,” Jeremy stated.

“Smart,” Micheal commented.

“Yeah,” Jeremy nodded.

“I should do that,” Michael mused.

“Me too,” Jeremy hummed.

Their eyes met.

“So noonish?” Michael asked.

“You bring soda, I’ll bring chips,” Jeremy agreed.

* * *

“She said, and I quote ‘I appreciate your opinion,’” Zoe exclaimed. “What does that even mean?”

“That she didn’t listen to you,” Connor suggested dryly.

They ate lunch in his car now. They ate lunch together now. It was weird.

Connor wasn’t one hundred percent sure that their mother hadn’t forced Zoe into keeping an eye on him throughout the school day. Zoe had insisted that this was only because she didn’t have a table to sit at in the cafeteria and he pissed her off less than the girls she sometimes pretended to be friends with. Despite the strong feeling that she only said this to make him feel better, Connor had agreed to the new routine.

He preferred listening to her complain about Alana Beck than pretending he didn’t here the people around him whispering.

“I told them she wouldn’t,” Zoe muttered. Had Connor been in her shoes, he probably would not have agreed to be the one to attempt to talk sense into Alana Beck. Then again, had Connor been in her shoes he probably wouldn’t give a damn.

“That’s why you don’t draw the short straw,” he stated. “Metaphorically.”

“I’m so sick of this,” she sighed.

“I thought you loved the concert,” he’d heard way more about it than he’d cared to the two years prior.

“I used to,” she huffed. “I don’t anymore. I was willing to compromise, you know?”

“I don’t doubt you.” Learning when to agree with her had been a new thing. Everyone expected him to try right now, but if Zoe was going to he knew that he had no choice.

“It’s just so infuriating,” she continued. “This isn’t her thing. We don’t care if people don’t show up—I mean, it’d be great if they did, but without compromising the integrity of it all.”

“The integrity of playing Christmas carols?” Connor scoffed.

“Shut up,” she muttered.

“You can’t get through to people like that,” he said.

“I know,” she sighed again.

“She has this image in her head, and if everything isn’t the way she wants it she’ll bulldoze through it.”

“Weren’t you guys friends freshman year?” Zoe asked suddenly.

“No.” Connor hadn’t had friends freshman year.

“She said you were ‘close acquaintances’ the other day,” Zoe informed him. “I figured that was Alana for friends.”

“I think we were lab partners?” Connor shrugged. He tried to block out most of that year. It felt way too much like the beginning of the end.

“Is that why you didn’t fail bio?” Zoe questioned.

“Yep,” Connor smirked.

She leaned back in her chair. He wasn’t used to this yet, and she wasn’t good at pretending that she was either. That didn’t mean he hated spending time with her, honestly he liked it more than he thought he would, but jumping into acting like real siblings almost didn’t feel right. Especially not when he was still pulling the shit he always did.

“Hey, about this morning,” he started. There was a sour taste in his mouth. This was supposed to get easier. All of the professionals he’d been forced to talk to said it should.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” she cut him off.

“Okay,” he nodded. He wanted to push. He wanted to actually fucking apologize for once, but that was only going to irritate her more. He was working on not doing that (he was still shit at it, but he was working). “Continue.”

“I’m annoying you,” she stated. He didn’t know if she wanted him to agree or not. He didn’t know her. Why the fuck was this so hard?

“Yeah,” he forced a smile. “But you always are.”

“Shut up,” she rolled her eyes, but a small grin formed at the corners of her mouth.

“No.”

“I just want this semester to be over already,” she groaned.

“Yeah.” If there was one thing Connor understood it was that. “I can kidnap her dog.”

“What?” Zoe blinked at him.

“So she’ll listen to you,” he said nonchalantly.

“Why is that the first thing you think of?” She made a face.

Connor shrugged.

“I bet I could,” he stated.

“Jesus Christ, Connor,” she was laughing now.

“I’m just saying.”

“We gotta get a new air freshener before mom or dad drives this thing,” she gestured to the car around them. He knew what she meant by that.

“The smell lingers,” he told her. "It’s not new.”

He hadn’t smoked since the first week of school. It sucked.

“They’ll freak out,” she told him.

“Fine,” he didn’t want to fight about this. In her mind, she was probably just trying to help. “I’ll buy one later.”

“Good,” she stared at the window in front of her. It was rare for Connor to know exactly what she was thinking. This was one of those times.

“Go ahead,” he nudged her shoulder.

“She’s just so full of it,” Zoe launched back into her rant.

* * *

Connor didn’t like crowded hallways. Forcing his way through them made him feel claustrophobic and bumping into his peers was annoying on good days and jarring on bad ones. In junior year he used to wait until most of the crowd had dissipated before navigating to whatever class he needed to get to. Unfortunately, if he was late again this semester it meant that the dean was going to call his parents.

Maybe last year that wouldn’t have been a problem, but Connor really could not take another lecture veiled with sympathy. He was getting his ass where it needed to be even if it killed him. Right now, that wasn’t so awful of an alternative.

Hell was other people. Specifically high schoolers.

Connor had never been the sort of person to assume that life was going to get better once he was out of school—because life was shit and a change of scenery wasn’t going to magically make anything better—but he was looking forward to the day when he didn’t need to be around this many other teenagers.

He felt sick. The amount of people around him made him sick. The fact that the only good conversation he could have with his sister involved her advising him to make his car smell less like weed made him sick. Pretending that he was alright when maybe he was worse than the start of the school year made him sick.

His shoulder slammed into someone. He fought back the wince. He kept walking.

“Watch where you’re going, freak.”

It was that word that set him off. He was sick of hearing it. He was sick of being weird and different and everyone exploiting the fact that he didn’t fucking fit in.

Connor was rarely fully in control of himself. And, yeah, that was a big fucking problem that he was kinda trying really fucking hard to work on. Progress or not, snapping had always been so much easier than staying in control.

“What the fuck did you call me?” Connor turned on his heels.

He’d seen this guy around before. They were probably in the same grade. Connor didn’t pay a lot of attention to the popular kids, but he was fairly certain this boy fell into their ranks. He was definitely in better shape, but Connor was taller by a lot, and when the chips were down he didn’t need the hight to be intimidating. Half the school thought he was gonna smuggle a gun through the gates one of these days, and he knew that the popular idiots who liked to pock fun of his were not separate from that belief.

He took a step forward, towering over the asshole who didn’t really seem all that intimidated.

“Get out of my face,” hand pushed him backward.

He didn’t move.

“Dude, back off,” the guy’s voice faltered. Connor didn’t.

“Fuck you!”

He was shouting. Vaguely he noticed the movement around them stop. He was making a scene. He was gonna be late to class. In the moment, he didn’t care. He couldn’t focus on anything aside from how fucking angry he was and how no matter what he did that was never going to fucking change.

He didn’t register the fist flying to his face until he was on the ground.

Unconsciously, his hand covered his right eye. Everything was blurry and then it wasn’t. There was a taller guy standing over him. He was blood on his hand. Was there blood on Connor’s face?

He wanted to collapse into the clod tile ground and for everything to just end. Instead he sprang back to his feet with adrenaline only rage was ever capable of giving him. In a shift movement, he grabbed the collar of the taller guy’s shirt and hit as hard as he could.

The people around them were shouting. They weren’t routing for Connor, that much he was sure of. The next thing he knew he was being slammed into the lockers behind him.

* * *

Evan was in the computer lab with what was supposed to be the final draft of his college applications and the criteria for the only scholarship he had a genuine shot at pulled up on the screen in front of him.

“So you’re gonna spend our only free being a nerd, then?” Jared asked loudly as he sauntered through the door.

Evan didn’t remember telling Jared were he was spending his free, but he was probably the most predictable person that attended their school. Being found didn’t surprised him as much as the fact that Jared didn’t deem his time better spent else where.

“We have frees so we can do work, Jared.” Evan told him, his eyes still skimming through the information he’d been slowly adding over the course of the past semester.

Evan was ready for the application process to just be over. He knew how much faith his mom had in his bare minimum achievements, but deep down Evan was fully aware he wasn’t going to get the scholarship. This kind of stuff was for students like Alana Beck—people who actually added something to the community of whatever university they were trying for. Evan couldn’t do that, and there wasn’t enough money for him to have a second option.

“Sure,” Jared stretched out the word. “Come on, if we leave now we can get frozen yogurt and be back before history starts.”

Evan ignored the nagging. He just needed to finish looking over the community service section. Then Jared could drag him wherever he wanted. He was just about done, all he had to do was double check—

Shoot.

“Or not yogurt?” Jared was still talking. “If that makes you cry now.”

“What?” Evan jolted back to earth. “Oh, no, that’s not. I need ten more hours of community service.”

“I thought you were set with that,” Jared flopped into the chair next to Evan to look over the numbers on the screen.

“So did I,” Evan’s voice was numb.

He was screwed. He didn’t have a chance even with the hours, without them there was no point in turning in the application. Four years for trying so hard not to mess up and fail like he did literally everything he tried was all for nothing.

“Stop freaking out,” Jared was giving him an odd look. “It’s not due ’til like January. Volunteer somewhere over the break.”

“I can’t,” Evan stammered.

“Why not?” Jared scoffed, leaning back in the chair. “Didn’t you spend your whole summer watering trees.”

“That’s not—” Evan stopped himself, explaining wasn’t going to help. “It’s different.”

“How?” Jared questioned.

Evan wanted to say that he just couldn’t and it was that simple. Volunteering meant getting used to a whole new environment, and new people, and making a half way decent impression, and maintaining that for a week, all while needing to complete a job without messing all of it up. He had been so sure that his summer job was enough. He’d spent the entirety of the three months lying to himself because he was supposed to amount to something.

But Jared wasn’t going to understand that. This sort of stuff was easy for Jared. It was easy for everyone but Evan.

This was it. He failed, and now he was going to have to go home and tell his mom that he messed up. He was going to have to sit there and watch her conceal how much of a disappointment he was. All he ever did was make her life harder, and Jared’s more irritating, and his own—

There was screaming outside.

“What the fuck?” If anyone ever wanted to hear what the combination of amusement and intrigue sounded like, all they would have to do is listen to Jared react to potential drama.

“I don’t,” Evan looked at the door as if it was supposed to hold some sort of answer.

“Come on, we’re not missing this.” Jared grabbed Evan’s arm, hauling him out of his chair and to the door. Clearly not caring that all of there things were still in the computer lab.

The hallway was packed with people Evan knew were supposed to be in class. It took a second for him to realize what everyone was watching. Evan thought that fights in the school hallway only happened in cheesy teen movies, but there was no way to misinterpret what was going on.

“Holy shit!” Jared gasped. Evan couldn’t tell if Jared he was impressed or shocked. Then again, for Jared that probably went hand in hand.

Evan winced as the boy in a dark get hoodie was slammed against the wall of lockers. He didn’t want to watch this. He didn’t want to know why anyone who be that upset that they’d think it was okay to do this. The boy in the hoodie looked like he was going to crumple, but his legs didn’t give in. Evan watched him brush his hair out of his face before lunging at the other guy.

“That’s Connor Murphy,” Evan realized out loud.

Jared didn’t respond.

“We need to tell someone,” Evan grabbed Jared’s arm. Shouldn’t a teacher have heard the noise? Why wasn’t someone breaking this up.

“Oh my god!”

Evan whirled around to see the girl he’d silently nursed a crush on for two years running towards the fight with a look of horror in her eyes. Without thinking, he grasped hold of her arm, stopping her from jumping into the middle of everything. She didn’t try to pull out of his grip. Instead her bought her free hand to her mouth, her eyes still wide.

Then a teacher was shouting something. Alana Beck was standing behind them. Evan felt relief fill his gut. He should have been like her. What had stopped him from trying to get help? He’d recognized that someone had to. Could he have made it stop faster?

“Evan?”

Zoe Murphy’s voice brought him back to earth. She was staring at him. He was still holding onto her arm.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted, letting go of her and taking a step back. “I didn’t mean to—”

“Thanks for stopping me,” she smiled at him. It didn’t look real.

“Oh, I, um,” Evan hadn’t expected that reaction. “No problem?

“I would have just made things worse.” She exhaled, her gaze reached over his shoulder to where her brother and the other kid were being led away by the teacher.

“I’m sure Connor will be okay,” Evan stammered.

“I’m not,” she pursed her lips.

Evan wanted to say something comforting, but he couldn’t think of anything. There was so much conflict in her face, and she wasn’t trying to conceal any of it, and all he needed to do was just say something, but—

“Zoe,” Alana Beck’s voice cut through Evan’s train of thought.

“Hi, Alana.” All of the emotion that had been in full view on Zoe’s face was gone in an instant.

“Do you know what that was about?” Alana asked her.

“I have no idea,” she said through her teeth.

“But that was Connor,” Alana gesture to the now empty hallway behind them.

“I don’t know everything about what my brother does,” Zoe was annoyed. Alana couldn’t see that. At least, Evan was pretty sure she couldn’t. This wasn’t going to end well.

“I just thought—”

“Alana, I need to get some community service hours before January,” the words flew out of Evan’s mouth without warning.

Both of the girls stared at him.

“I thought you could help,” he added sheepishly. "Since you’re always doing stuff and, um, yeah…”

“I’d love to help!” A grin broke across Alana’s face.

Evan stopped himself from audibly sighing in relief. Zoe smiled at him again. She mouthed the words ‘thank you,’ before slipping away. Well, it wasn’t like he was doing that good of a job at talking to her anyway.

“Actually that works out great,” Alana declared. “I need another pair of hands for the concert set up since no one else has volunteered.”

“That sounds great,” Evan felt his mouth get dry. This was exactly what he hadn’t wanted to get himself signed up for.

“Here, give me your email, I’ll send you the schedule,” Alana held out her phone for Evan to quickly type his email address into.

“Thanks,” Evan smiled at her.

“I’ll contact you soon,” she slid the phone back into her pocket. “I need to get to class.”

“Right,” Evan stammered.

He needed to find Jared.

And then die in a hole, because he had no idea how to get himself out of this situation.

* * *

Jake hadn’t meant to hit the guy.

Okay, that was a lie. He had meant to hit him, he hadn’t meant for a full out fight to break out. Looking back, he could see the flaw in that judgement but he hadn’t had a lot of time to consider his options.

Rich was in trouble and he’d just moved. It was instinctual. After that, he hadn’t really had any control over what happened. He couldn’t just walk away.

And, okay, sure, Jake knew that Rich could fight his own battles. That didn’t mean that Jake had to stand there and watch that asshole scream at him. Rich wasn’t gonna hit him, Jake knew Rich well enough to be sure of that. He’d really just had two options, let someone back his best friend into a wall, or deck the guy.

Jake was a little bit protective. Well, maybe more than a little bit.

He couldn’t help it. For a long time, Jake had felt responsible for Rich. He was the one who noticed the kid back in freshman year before he started speech therapy and knew how to work out. Jake was the reason that Rich wasn’t invisible to everyone else in their school.

He’d seen that Rich was a great guy and that high school was going to destroy him, so he took him under his wing. There were a lot of things about Rich that most people didn’t understand. Jake couldn’t really do much about that, but he had made sure that Rich had friends. He was the reason that Rich spent three and a half years being cool instead of an outcast and that had to count for something.

And, yeah, maybe he liked Rich a little bit. That wasn’t his fault. Rich was hot and sweeter than anyone he’d ever met (especially in their school). Rich was way more emotional than he let people see, and Jake knew that what others said to and around him had more of an effect than he let on.

So Jake had stood up for him.

That was why he was currently sitting in their dean’s office next to Connor Murphy with the full understanding that they were probably both about to be expelled. It was kinda funny that he’d made it this far only to be kicked out a few months before graduation. He wasn’t sure who the school was going to call with the bad news. His grandparent’s retirement home didn’t like it when the school bothered them, and his only other family were states away.

They were asked to explain what happened. Murphy didn’t talk. Like, at all. He kinda just sat there staring at his shoes until the dean turned to Jake.

He was pretty sure they’d already heard the unbiased story from the girl who’s ran for the teacher, and he’d seen Rich talking to the receptionist before he was ushered into the dean’s office. Still, it was hard to explain that hitting Murphy had really been his only option. Adults liked to forget that logical solutions were impossible to use in the real world.

When he got his story out he was ready to be told to clean out his locker and get ready for a life of working at fast food joints, but instead the dean started talking about each of their personal files which sat on the desk in front of him. Murphy’s had more papers that Jake’s did. That kinda figured.

The dean talked about how this was the first time that Jake had gotten into trouble like this, but because he threw the first punch they couldn’t forgive his actions. Jake wasn’t sure who “they” was, but wasn’t gonna interrupt for that.

“Jake, you’re suspended for the rest of the semester,” the dean declared. “You are still required to attend your final exams. I’ll have it arranged for you to take them in my office.”

“I’m not expelled?” Jake asked out loud.

Murphy scoffed. The dean went on to sentence him to community service. Apparently even though they’d both gotten a lot of hits in, Murphy was still technically acting in self defense.

“You’ll be helping Alana Beck with the holiday concert,” the dean told him. “She’ll contact your school email later today.”

“Fine,” Murphy muttered. He looked even more pissed now.

Jake didn’t feel bad for him. He didn’t care that the school thought he started the fight, everyone there had seen Murphy yell at Rich. In Jake’s book, he deserved a lot worse than having to hang flyers around the school for a few days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you like long chapters where I don't know how to get the characters to shut up, you've come to the right place.


	2. Chapter 2

Jared rarely drove Evan Hansen to school. His house was relatively out of the way. Jared liked to wait until the very lest minute to get out of bed each morning, so having to haul his ass to the Hansen’s a half an hour earlier usually didn’t make his to do list.

However, with only two days left in the semester, and a significant lack of food in his refrigerator, Jared figured the extra brownie points of dragging Evan to breakfast with him wouldn’t hurt. It didn’t have anything to do with the holiday season bringing out the crazy in his mother, neglect in his father, and him waking up to a louder screaming match than normal. No, he was doing this out of the goodness of his heart and emptiness of his stomach.

It didn’t really matter if the lie wasn’t that convincing, Evan wasn’t going to ask.

“You could have knocked on the door,” Evan told him as he stumbled into the passengers seat of Jared’s car. Evan wasn’t a morning person. “My mom wanted to say hi.”

“Walking’s a lot of effort,” Jared shrugged. He also wasn’t a morning person. “I don’t have a study partner for the English final yet. You free after school?”

“I’m helping Alana with auditions,” Evan mumbled.

“Why?” Jared took his eyes off the road to shoot Evan a confused look.

“Community service,” Evan stated.

“So you’re going to college after all?” Jared teased, thinking back to how that small of a detail on Evan’s practically perfect application had nearly launched a full panic the day before.

“That’s not funny,” Evan stuttered.

“Why are you so nervous?” Jared asked. “It’s just Alana. Trust me, she’ll be real excited, realize no one here has any talent, then call the whole thing off and give some other weird job to do.”

That seemed like the easiest way to pass a few hours of volunteer work to him.

“It’s, um,” Evan didn’t look at Jared. He was picking at the edge of his cast. “It’s not just Alana.”

“Someone else wants to here those juniors who think they can be rappers?” Jared laughed.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “There weren’t any other volunteers.”

“So,” Jared drew out the word. “Did she kidnap someone or…?”

“Um,” Evan took a breath. “Connor Murphy has to do community service because of, um, what happened yesterday.”

“He didn’t get kicked out for that?” Jared gaped.

“Alana said he’s just gonna help with whatever she assigns me,” Evan shrugged.

“Holy shit,” Jared wasn’t trying very hard not to laugh.

“Jared—”

“You’re gonna be stuck with him until Christmas,” he realized.

Jared doubted that Evan could be in another human’s presence for that long of a time without freaking out, but him alone with Connor Murphy of all people was just asking for a train wreck. Damn, Evan would be lucky if he survived that. Connor would be lucky if he got through a conversation with Evan without his (probably not very large) brain exploding from all of the “um”s and “I’m sorry”s.

“I think the concert is on Christmas Ev,” Evan corrected. “Which kinda negates the whole neural holiday thing since Hanukkah is over by then and all.”

“The school doesn’t actually care about that shit,” Jared told him. “They just don’t wanna get sued for discriminating against us.”

“Yeah,” Evan gave a small nod. “I know.”

“Doesn’t Connor hate you after that whole sex letter thing?” Jared remembered the week long freak out the year prior.

“It wasn’t a—” Evan wince, but didn’t finish that. “I don’t know, I haven’t talked to him since that happened.”

“Damn,” Jared let out a low whistle. “Good luck.”

Whatever Evan’s stammered response would have been was cut off by Jared pulling into the cafe’s tiny parking lot. Jared still wasn’t sure if Evan didn’t trust his driving, was scared of all cars, or just got even more anxious when in motion, but he noticed him relax the slightest bit when he stepped out of the vehicle.

“Why are we here again?” Evan wondered.

“Because I like free shit and they’re doing a weird Christmas—” Jared stopped. “A weird _holiday_ sale thing. Buy one oddly festive white girl coffee get another free.”

“I don’t have money,” Evan stated.

“Fine, you owe me two bucks,” Jared flung open the cafe’s door.

“Don’t you owe me ten from last weekend?” Evan asked.

“What?” Jared attempted to feign ignorance, but from the look on Evan’s face that wasn’t gonna work today. “Fine. Yeah, I owe you eight now.”

The first thing that Jared noticed upon entering the tiny and over decorated cafe, was the barista standing behind the cash register. Jared usually didn’t check out strangers—well, Jared usually didn’t see a lot of strangers worth randomly checking out—but, damn, that kid was cute. Judging by his frantic movements to shove the money he was receiving into the cash register and scribble each customers order on the bright red paper cups, looks were probably the main force behind hiring him.

Places like this did stuff like that. People liked seeing a pretty face almost more than getting their monies worth on whatever form of caffeine they were forcing into their system. There was a breakfast joint a few miles away that only hired twenty-year-old workout enthusiasts. Jared had never eaten there. The line of lonely middle aged weirdos was always too long, and really that thought alone was enough to make him loose his appetite.

Then again, if all of those waiters looked like this guy maybe Jared wasn’t one to judge. There was something about the quirked smile and choppy black hair that made it impossible to look away. These were one of the few moments Jared wished Evan was a little bit more confident in his sexuality. You’d think having a bi family friend meant that Jared could talk about guys without Evan turning red, but talking about attraction in any sense turned Evan into a stammering mess. Well, more so than he usually was.

Jared was brought back to earth when they reached the front of the line. He chose a random drink, Evan stuttered through his order, and Jared handed over the small bit of cash he had on him. They didn’t have enough for food. He should have realized that when he left the house. He was going to need to weasel more out of his parents. If the house wasn’t a battle zone when he got back, maybe the fact that he’d taken Evan Hansen to get coffee was enough to earn him a few bucks.

The barista smiled at him before turning to make the drinks. Well, that sorta made being broke and hungry and little bit worth it.

They waited on the side until their drinks were done. Since he’d left the house a lot earlier that normal, they had time to sit in the small cafe before having to rush to school.

“Is it that bad?” Jared asked when Evan made a face after taking a small sip of his drink.

“No, it’s fine,” Evan blurted. “I just—I ordered a hot chocolate, but this is fine.”

“What is it?” Jared asked.

“I don’t know?” Evan looked at the cup in his hand.

“You can say something, you know,” Jared told him.

“I don’t wanna bug them,” Evan said sheepishly. “It’s really fine.”

Evan wasn’t supposed to have caffeine. Jared had learned that in ninth grade, when one cup of coffee had made the normal jittery energy explode. It hadn’t been a fun day.

“Jesus Christ, give it to me.” Jared took the cup from Evan before he could protest, and walked back to the cafe’s counter. “Hey, this was supposed to be hot coco.”

“Shit,” the barista ran a hand through his hair embarrassedly. “Sorry.”

“Naw, no big deal,” Jared shrugged.

“I’ll make a new one,” he promised.

“Thanks,” Jared handed him the incorrect drink before turning back to Evan. “That’s how easy it is.”

“Okay,” Evan stated.

“You still worrying about Alana and Murphy?” Jared figured.

“I’m gonna be worrying about it all day, Jared,” Evan sighed.

“One small hot chocolate,” the barista announced, reaching over the counter to hand the drink to Evan. “I’m really sorry about that.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” Jared brushed off again.

“Here,” the barista placed a pastry on the counter. He flashed a smile again. “This is on the house.”

“Thanks,” Jared smiled back.

“You’re doing a weird thing with your face,” Evan let him know when they were back at the table they’d claimed.

“Shut up.” Jared took a bite of the pastry. “So, how you gonna tell Murphy you ‘don’t like his sister anymore’?”

“I don’t,” Evan stammered.

“Sure, Ev,” Jared chuckled.

“I’m serous,” Evan pressed. “I mean, she’s really pretty and all but, I couldn’t even talk to her and after the letter—”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jared had heard this story more times than he needed to. “You realized that you were being a creep.”

“I didn’t use those words,” Evan mumbled.

“They’re kinda accurate, though,” Jared told him. Evan kept his eyes on his cast. “Jeez. Will you lighten up? Isn’t this time of year supposed to make everyone happy?”

“If you live in a cartoon,” Evan quipped.

“It’s the only time my neighbors can’t complain when I blast bad parodies of Christmas carols,” Jared added.

“Jared you shouldn’t do that when it’s not this time of year,” Evan looked like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or gape at him.

“It’s funny, though,” Jared decided to laugh.

* * *

Michael and Jeremy had been in the same homeroom since freshman year. The administration had made a slip up that year, scrabbling class placement that was supposed to be alphabetical. This meant that for the entirely of a period that they were supposed to spend studying, Michael could show Jeremy an assortment of meme videos. In Michael’s humble opinion, it was the best way to start the day.

Now Michael was five minutes into the period, sitting alone with his computer in front of him.

Michael wasn’t worried. Jeremy rarely skipped, but sometimes he was late to school. Something about not being able to get on the bus on somedays. Michael had offered to be his ride, but Jeremy liked to pretend it wasn’t a big deal.

Michael wasn’t worried. But when his phone started ringing with Jeremy’s number displayed across the screen, he made up an excuse to leave the classroom.

“Hey, man,” he answered the phone once he was safely in the hallway. “Where are you?”

“I,” Jeremy’s voice was shaking. “I can’t come today.”

Michael was worried.

“Are you okay?” Those weren’t the right words. Jeremy wasn’t going to be able to answer that over the phone. Knowing Jeremy, he might not have been able to if they were talking face to face. Not if something really was wrong.

“No, not really,” Jeremy took a breath. “Well, I mean, yeah. I’m not sick or anything. A lot is happening right now. Or a lot just happened, nothing’s happening now.”

“Can I come over?” He asked.

“Aren’t you already at school?” Jeremy asked back.

“So?”

“You don’t have to.” Jeremy wanted him to. Michael knew him well enough to read him even over a bad phone connection.

“I’ll be there in a ten minutes,” Michael told him.

After lying about feeling sick in order to get out of class, running to the school parking lot instead of the nurses office, and trying very hard to focus on driving carefully, Michael found himself standing outside of Jeremy’s front door.

Jeremy was in his living room. He was sitting on the couch, staring at a powered off TV. His knees were pulled to his chest, he usually didn’t look this small.

“Hey,” Michael softly announced his presence. “Your door was unlocked.”

“Dad forgets sometimes,” Jeremy forced a smile when he turned to him. “He’s been stressed about job stuffs.”

“I locked it,” Michael said as he sat down on the couch next to Jeremy.

“Thanks,” Jeremy murmured.

“That’s good,” Michael commented lightly. “That he’s getting back on his feet, I mean.”

“It’s good that he’s wearing pants,” Jeremy tried to joke.

“Yeah, that too,” Michael agreed. He watched the smile fade. Gently, he nudged Jeremy’s shoulder. “What’s going on?”

“It’s stupid,” Jeremy shrunk a little bit more. “I shouldn’t have let you come here. You have class and I’m just…”

He closed his eyes. This didn’t happen a lot. Jeremy didn’t like to cry in front of anyone. Michael knew what hurt him and when he felt weak, but he preferred to wait until after the storm had passed before telling Michael what happened. The last time Michael had seen him give up so much had been the week after his mother left.

“I’d rather be here than class,” Michael said. “Better food and all.”

“Right,” Jermey didn’t laugh. “Christine dumped me.”

“Oh.” Maybe Michael should have expected it to be that. He should have recognized that was the only thing it could be. A tangle of selfish emotions knitted inside his chest. He’d have to deal with that later. “I’m really sorry.”

“You saw it coming,” Jeremy didn’t sound angry.

“I didn’t say that,” Michael told him.

“Everyone saw it coming,” Jeremy shook his head. “I saw it coming.”

“I’m sorry,” was all he could think to say.

Jeremy laughed. It sounded crackled and broken. He covered his face, but Michael had already seen the tears.

“I’m not even crying because of her,” he whispered.

“Yeah?” Michael prompted, because Jeremy needed to talk about this, he needed to get everything out for once.

“It’s just—” He dropped his hands, he looked at Michael. His eyes weren’t full of the sadness Michael expected, they looked panicked. “I wanted that—her, a relationship—for so long and it was supposed to be amazing.”

“Sometimes things don’t match expectations,” Michael voiced.

“But she’s amazing,” Jeremy argued. “and I know why I liked her and wanted that and why I should have been amazing.”

His gaze dropped to the floor in front of them.

“I think somethings wrong with me,” he whispered.

“That’s not true,” Michael’s voice was heavier than he meant it to be.

“Then why did I just let it fall apart?” Jeremy’s words were demanding by his voice was weak. “I kept thinking that all the problems would just go away if I pretended they didn’t bug me.”

Michael leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his best friend. He let Jeremy cry into his shoulder until the sobbing slowly stopped. The first time they’d been this open with each other Michael had been the one crying. When he looked back on that day it felt more happy than sad, but at the time he’d felt so drowned in emotions and had just needed someone to latch onto. Jermey was always that someone. He figured that most coming out stories ended in crying, but he probably was one of the few people that ended up sobbing in the arms of his crush.

“Relationships suck,” Michael said when Jeremy had finally calmed down.

Jeremy laughed, pulling out of Michael’s arms to wipe the tears off of his face.

“What am gonna do?” He sighed.

“Breathe, play video games, eat a lot of chocolate,” Michael shrugged.

“I meant about the holiday concert,” Jeremy told him.

“What?” Michael wasn’t following.

“I promised Alana Christine and I would be in it,” Jeremy explained.

“Oh right,” Michael remembered the tense conversation at lunch.

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” Jeremy groaned. “I can’t even sing.”

“You wanted to spend time with her,” Michael justified. What had probably come off as inconsiderate now morphed into a desperate attempt to stop the sinking boat.

“I’m an idiot,” Jeremy stated.

“Yeah, you are,” Michael informed him.

“Shut up,” Jermey was smiling now. It was a small smile, but they could work with that.

“You could tell Alana that you guys can’t do it anymore,” Michael suggested.

“That’s a dick move, though,” Jeremy argued.

“Then I guess you’re trapped,” Michael faked a serous voice.

An idea wedged itself into Michael’s brain. It was a bad idea. It was an idea he should probably just forget and definitely not act on. He watched Jeremy let out a loud groan before falling backward into his couch. Well, he’d already decided the play he’d gotten himself stuck in was a comedy. He just hadn’t realized this was how the plot was going to progress.

“Do you want to do it?” He asked Jeremy.

“I don’t know,” Jeremy sounded honest. “I don’t know anything about what I want.”

“I’ll help,” Michael decided.

“What?” Jeremy gave him an odd look.

“You need a singing partner,” Michael reminded him. “I can do that. Easy.”

“You don’t have to,” Jermey started.

“I want to,” Michael insisted.

“Thanks.”

“You’re really gonna owe me,” he added.

“I know,” Jeremy smiled for real now. Michael hid that it made something inside him lighten. “You’re still my favorite person.”

“You’re still mine,” Michael meant this. He always would.

“So,” Jeremy nudged his shoulder. “About chocolate and video games…”

“Let’s raid your fridge.”

* * *

Jake liked going to school. He didn’t really like classes, or teachers, or waking up early, but the school day meant that he didn’t need to be alone in his house. He knew that back before his folks took off the large rooms had still felt empty and the constant silence had still rung in his ears. Back then it had bothered him, but not enough to leave a growing pit in his stomach every time he walked into his living room.

He tried to sleep in for his first day of suspension. Unfortunately his body refused to spend the morning unconscious. After not eating a big enough breakfast, he spread his text and notebooks across the too large kitchen table.

Doing well on finals was impossible, but if he was going to be stuck alone in his empty house for the next two days, there was a chance he might be able to cram something into his brain. He was staring at a very long word he didn’t remember his chemistry teacher ever saying when the doorbell rang.

“Yo, why’s your door locked?” Rich asked, hands buried in the coat that was probably too big for him, and nonchalant grin stretched across his face. It was still weird to see Rich in a coat. For the first few weeks of winter he’d decided he didn’t need anything more than a long sleeve shirt. That attitude dropped as the temperature did.

“You have a key,” Jake let Rich into the safely heated house.

“I forgot it,” he shrugged.

Jake could hear the subtle lisp in Rich’s voice. Speech therapy had been able to kick more of it, and most of the time Rich worked very hard to not let the rest of it be heard. He didn’t keep that act up when they were alone. Jake liked that.

“So what are we doing?” Rich asked.

“I was actually studying,” Jake gestured to the books still covering the table.

“Dude,” Rich’s face contorted on horror. “You get the next three days off and you’re gonna bore yourself to death?”

“Yeah,” Jake nodded. “That was the plan.”

“This one’s wrong.” Rich was looking at the questions Jake had copied into one of the notebooks.

“Huh?” Jake glanced over his shoulder.

“It’s supposed to be this,” Rich picked up Jake’s pencil and scribbled another word Jake didn’t remember hearing before. “See.”

Jake didn’t. He was gonna fail.

“I keep forgetting your actually know what you’re doing for this shit,” Jake shook his head.

“Yeah, I’m awesome,” Rich said with no small degree of arrogance. “But we’re not gonna spend today staring at numbers. Let’s go somewhere.”

“You know, it’s not really a day off,” Jake told him.

“You don’t have to go to school, it’s basically a day off.” Rich shrugged.

“I thought they were gonna kick me out,” Jake admitted.

Rich’s smile faltered.

“Yeah, er, about what happened yesterday,” he dropped the pencil back on the table as he spoke. “Thanks.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Jake tried to brush off.

“You thought they were gonna kick you out,” Rich said back. “I think that makes it a big deal.”

“Murphy had it coming,” Jake stated.

“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have punched him if he was yelling at someone else.” Rich looked worried—no, he looked embarrassed. Jake didn’t want to talk about this.

“Naw,” he forced a grin. “I’m doing this whole justice thing were I deck anyone who acts like a dick.”

“Does your jaw hurt?” Rich asked.

Jake hadn’t noticed the bruise forming until he got home from school. It made sense, that was the only solid hit that Murphy had gotten in. The rest he’d been ready for. Well, for the most part ready for. His ribs hurt a little bit from being tackled, but his torso wasn’t turning purple like his face.

“Not really,” Jake shrugged. Rich crossed his arms. “A little bit. I put ice on it last night, it’s fine.”

Rich raised an eyebrow

“Shut up,” Jake muttered. “I’m tough.”

“Sure, Jake, sure,” Rich laughed. “Come on, let’s go.”

“It’s freezing outside,” Jake reminded him.

“So?” Rich gave him a knowing look.

Truth be told, Jake didn’t want to be in his house any longer than he had to. Rich was giving him an out while letting himself skip on the annoyance of the last couple days of the semester.

“Fine,” he agreed. “Where are we going?”

“I dunno,” Rich said cooly.

They did this sometimes. Whenever one of them needed to run from something, or just had to be far away from the shit shows they had to come home too, they’d jump in Rich’s car. Jake wasn’t entirely sure how Rich had managed to pass his driver’s test. He wasn’t entirely sure how Rich managed to not get pulled over every time they were in the car together.

“Do you think everyone thinks I’m a wimp now?” The question felt like it was coming out of no where. Rich didn’t look at him, his eyes fixed on the road in front of them.

“What?” Jake didn’t know how to answer.

“Just,” Rich’s forehead creased. “Since you had to punch him. I just stood there.”

“No one thinks that,” Jake wasn’t really sure if that was true.

He knew that no one who mattered thought that. Once he’d been dismissed Brooke had sent him a flurry of texts asking if he was alright, and if he knew if Rich was okay, and if there was anything she could do for either of them. Brooke had extreme reactions. He’d always liked that about her. Chloe was a lot calmer, instead sending a quick “good for you.” She’d seen most of what happened. Were she in his shoes and actually known how to throw a punch, she probably would have done the same thing.

“I think I wanted to punch him,” Rich said softly. “This reminds me of freshman year.”

That was a loaded statement to say the least.

“You can fight your own battles, Rich,” Jake said. “Everyone knows that.”

“But I didn’t,” Rich stated.

“Because sometimes the reason you have a best friend is so they can fight by your side,” Jake told him.

For a second, Rich didn’t say anything. Then a grin formed on his face.

“That’s really sappy, man,” Rich informed him.

“Shut up,” Jake rolled his eyes.

“I would have hit him if he was yelling at you,” Rich sounded serious now. “He wouldn’t yell at you, though. No one’s that dumb.”

“Thanks,” Jake meant this. “Hey, Rich?”

“Yeah?” Rich hummed.

“Do you even know where you’re going?” He questioned.

“Nope,” Rich smirked.

“Great.”

* * *

Connor leaned against the wall outside of the auditorium. He’d hoped that given Alana’s general excitement, she’d beat him here. He didn’t like hovering, it made him feel like he wasn’t supposed to be where he was.

Out of all the stupid punishments the dean could have forced him to endure, listening to a bunch of kids in their school who thought they were talented for the next few hours was not what he expected. His parents thought he was getting off easy. Facing them at the end of the day had almost been as exhausting as the idea of being forced to do volunteer hours for Alana.

His father hadn’t used the word disappointed. He stopped doing that after the first week of school. That was almost worse. Connor wanted him to get frustrated and irritated, he couldn’t deal with trying to be understood about this. His mother just seemed so at the end of her rope when she’d shakily said that they needed to talk about what happened.

Apparently the school hadn’t been very detailed in their report. The second Connor stated that he hadn’t been the one to throw the first punch, the air around him had completely flipped. His mother went from tired to worried and seconds, and he hadn’t seen his father that angry in ages.

It was only then that his mother seemed to notice the dark bruise covering his eye. The next thing he knew she was rushing to get him an icepack and fussing over him the way she used to when he was a kid and would come home with scrapes. His father had then sank into the chair next to him, and asked in a very serious voice if Connor was confident he knew how to properly defend himself if this ever happened again. Connor honestly wasn’t sure, but made it clear that it had been a fair fight for the most part. He’d just nodded at that, and lightly rubbed Connor’s shoulder.

His parents were on his side. There was a time when Connor would have killed for this, but this time he knew he didn’t really deserve it.

He hadn’t meant to get into a fight. He’d just wanted everyone to leave him alone—to stop treating him like a freak. It wasn’t fair, and even through the rage his goal had never been to hurt anyone. He just wanted them to shut up. That was all.

But he was supposed to get better at being in control. He had promised his family he was going to do that, and he’d failed.

 

“Hi, Connor,” a timid voice wrenched him out of his thoughts.

Evan Hansen was standing in front of him. In the email Alana had sent him, she’d mentioned that he was going to be working with Evan for whatever tasks she decided to assign the both of them.

“Is, um,” Evan tugged the hem of his shirt as he did a very good job of avoiding Connor’s eyes. “Alana’s not here yet, yeah?”

“Nope,” Connor answered.

“Right,” Evan nodded. Connor watched him shift his weight from foot to foot. He really wasn’t good at concealing his nerves.

“How’d she rope you into this?” Connor asked.

“Oh, I,” Evan stammered. “I need more community service hours before I send out applications.”

Connor nodded. Then immediately felt stupid since Evan wasn’t even looking at him.

“Alana probably told you why I’m here,” he figured they might as well get this conversation out of the way.

“It’s none of my business,” Evan chirped quickly.

Connor stopped himself from exhaling loudly. He was fully aware that he had been far from nice to this kid. Evan really had every reason to be scared of him. That didn’t mean it didn’t make him feel like shit, that just standing next to him was putting this boy on edge.

“Listen,” Connor pushed patients into this voice. “Zoe told me about how you stopped her from diving into what happened yesterday.”

After making sure he wasn’t seriously hurt she hadn’t wanted to talk about the fight. Still, she made it clear that she had tried to help him. He was glad Evan Hansen had been there. It was doubtful anyone else in their shitty student body would have thought to stop her. Connor didn’t care if Evan did that because he liked her or because he was just that good of a person. It didn’t matter. Connor was grateful.

“Thanks,” he let the word fall from his lips.

“It’s no problem,” Evan said quickly. Instead of shrinking further into the wall at that, Evan glanced up at Connor for the first time in there fragmented conversation. “Are you okay?”

That caught him off guard.

“Yeah,” Connor said because that was more or less true. “I mean my eye kinda hurts, but it’s not that bad.”

“It looks like it does,” Evan told him. “Is that weird to say? I’m sorry.”

“It’s not,” Connor shrugged. “I didn’t start it. The fight, I mean. He hit me first.”

Connor didn’t know why he was saying this. He shouldn’t care what this kid thought. The fact that he hadn’t started the fight should mean nothing, especially after he’d already exploded at Evan twice.

“I wasn’t judging,” Evan stated.

“Come on,” Connor scoffed. “Everyone’s judging me. It’s not a big deal.”

“I’m serious,” Evan looked him in the eyes. “I know the jocks can be kinda mean, so, if you say you didn’t start it, I believe you.”

“Isn’t that you judging the jocks, then?” Connor called him out.

“I didn’t say I don’t judge at all,” Evan informed him. “I’m just not judging _you_.”

“Oh,” Connor couldn’t help finding that oddly sweet. “Thank you?”

“You’re welcome,” Evan mumbled.

“Great, you’re already here!” Alana’s voice was loud even from the other end of the hallway.

“Let’s get this over with,” Connor sighed.

“I know you don’t wanna be here,” Alana shot him a sympathetic smile that he wasn’t sure he liked the look of. “But, it’ll be fun! Right, Evan?”

“Um, yeah,” Evan stammered. “Sure.”

“Real convincing,” Connor said dryly.

For the next hour and a half Connor stat in first row of the school auditorium trying not to shove his fingers in his ears.

“High school has been waiting to happen,” he labeled the third tone-def singer as they shuffled off the stage.

Evan did a very poor job of concealing a laugh.

“Be nice,” Alana hushed the both of them.

Connor directed the rest of his commentary to only Evan. He seemed to relax a little bit a half and hour into the train wreck. Connor wasn’t sure how Alana expected either of them to help her. Before the auditions started she’d given each of them a notepad and said to write down the acts they thought would be good for the project. By the end of the process Evan’s notepad had four names. Connor’s had a poorly done caricature of the second act.

“Here,” Connor handed the useless notepad to Alana once the auctions were finally over.

“Was there anyone you liked?” She asked.

“Nope,” Connor pulled himself out of the uncomfortable auditorium chair.

“I thinks theres a few,” Evan cut in, passing Alana his notepad as well.

“Thanks,” Alana beamed at him. “I’ll go over the list tonight. We should have a line up before the band’s rehearsal.”

“That makes sense,” Evan stated because he was probably too nice to say that he really didn’t give a shit about any of this.

“In the mean time,” Alana pulled a thick stack of papers out of her bag. “I need you guys to pass these out tomorrow before school and during first lunch. You can hang some of them up, but only in places where people will see during exam week.”

“This is a one person job,” Connor commented. “Are we both doing it because you don’t trust me?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” Alana pursed her lips.

“Right,” Connor muttered.

“The dean gave me instructions,” she put the pile of papers in Evan’s hands. “But I’m sure either of you could handle it on your own.”

The one thing Connor liked about Alana Beck was that she’d always been very honest. People like her didn’t see the point of lying around other’s feelings. It was refreshing. A bit annoying, but mainly refreshing.

“Sorry,” she added, brightly.

“Eh,” Connor shrugged. “It’s fair enough.”

“I can come early tomorrow,” Evan stated as they made their way out of the auditorium and to the parking lot. “For the flyers.”

“Okay.”

“We could meet outside at seven-ish?” Evan suggested meekly.

“Sure,” Connor didn’t care.

“Great,” Evan murmured.

Zoe was leaning on the hood of Connor’s car, her phone in her hand. She’d been a little irritated about having to stay late because of the situation he’d landed himself in, but hadn’t complained as much as he expected. When she saw them walking out of the school building, Connor was surprised when she met them halfway.

“Hi, Evan,” she said sweetly.

“Hey, Zoe,” Evan stammered.

Wow, this kid wasn’t smooth.

“You ready to go?” Zoe asked Connor.

“Completely,” he stated.

“Great, you’re driving,” she informed him.

“Fine,” he took the keys from her.

“How’d the auditions go?” She was looking at Alana now.

Connor mentally debated if taking cover from the poorly concealed passive aggression he knew his sister was fully capable of would be an over reaction. If he moved fast enough, he could probably get himself and Evan Hansen to safety before any bombs dropped. Then again, that meant he wouldn’t get to watch.

“Very well, thanks for asking.” Alana was smiling. Connor couldn’t tell if it was fake or she really couldn’t tell how much Zoe disliked everything she was doing.

“Have you changed your mind yet?” Zoe asked.

“Actually,” Alana started. “There are a handful of people that I think will be perfect for the show.”

“That’s great,” Zoe said through her teeth.

“Yeah, we’re going now,” Connor decided, grabbing his sister’s arm. “See you tomorrow, Hansen.”

“Oh, um, bye,” Evan stuttered.

“Bye, Evan!” Zoe called too.

“So you’re great at subtle,” Connor said once they were in his car.

“Shut up, I’m mad,” she exhaled. “Was anyone actually good?”

“Not at all,” Connor assured her.


	3. Chapter 3

“I still don’t have money,” Evan told Jared when they arrived at the same cafe the next morning.

“I know, it’s fine,” Jared brushed off.

He’d been able to get some cash from his mother, and blowing it on coffee felt like the right way to rebel against whatever holiday craze his parents were pulling. It had nothing to do with wanting to see that cute barista again. Jared didn’t even know the guy’s name, and random cute people who couldn’t even do their job smoothly didn’t impress him. Not at all.

When they walked in Jared pretended that he was looking at the menu. Really he was trying too see if the boy with the choppy black hair and nice smile was wearing a name tag. He wasn’t. Jared still had nothing to go off of, aside from the knew knowledge that the dark green beanie he was wearing complimented his gray-brown eyes.

Evan was slightly less horrible at stating that he wanted a small hot chocolate this time, but Jared decided not to make fun of him for the moment. Evan didn’t appreciate those jokes, and he had plenty of better material.

“So, you’re not dead,” Jared observed as they claimed the table they’d sat at the day before. “That’s good.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Evan shrugged. “I don’t know how Alana’s gonna choose people to be in the concert, but she’s Alana, she’ll figure it out.”

“I didn’t mean listening to the auditions,” Jared interjected.

It took a second for Evan to get what he was talking about.

“He’s not that bad,” Evan’s confidence had deflated slightly. Jared didn’t get that.

“Really?” He questioned.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “He was actually kinda nice.”

“That’s funny,” Jared snorted. Connor Murphy wasn’t nice. Everyone knew that—Jared knew from experience—and Evan Hansen wasn’t the sort of kid that would be the exception to that. Connor had already blown up at Evan twice that Jared knew of. This whole set up was just asking for a third.

“It’s not a joke,” Evan stated.

“Sure,” Jared took a sip of his coffee. Only it wasn’t coffee. Well, he probably should have seen that coming.

“What’s wrong?” Evan asked.

“It’s nothing,” Jared lied, setting the overly sweeten concoction onto the table.

“Did they get your drink wrong?” Evan was more perceptive than he looked.

“I don’t care,” Jared meant this.

That kid could probably serve him poison and Jared wouldn’t complain. He wasn’t stupid enough to say that out loud, though. Evan probably wouldn’t laugh at him, he was too much of a mess himself to do that, but Jared had outgrown crushes in middle school. Not to mention, shitty barista or not, this guy was painfully out of Jared’s league. Hot people didn’t notice him, and, let’s face it, he wasn’t smooth enough to convince that kid otherwise.

But he had better things to do than dwell on how fucking pathetic he was. Bothering Evan was currently on the top of that list.

* * *

Alana had given Evan one hundred flyers. He wasn’t sure how she hadn’t gotten in trouble for using that much of the school’s printer ink. That meant that he and Connor had to hand out and/or hang up all one hundred by the end of the school day, or else Alana would probably tell their dean since if Connor didn’t do his job he was in trouble.

They had a solid hour before school and another of lunch to complete the job, and that meant that he was going to have to uphold a conversation with Connor Murphy for two hours, as well as talk to a bunch of people he didn’t know as he handed out the flyers.

Evan was nervous. There was no way to get around that. The fact that Connor clearly did not want to be there was not helping.

“I wish I got suspended,” Connor informed Evan before taping their first flyers to the first hallway wall. They had a ways to go.

“I’m sorry,” Evan didn’t know what else to say.

He felt like his blood had turned to carbonated water. This wasn’t a good day for people to expect something from him. He should have slept more, and not told Jared he could go to that cafe with him, and not acted like he hadn’t felt like he was going to throw up while sipping at the over priced coco he’d let Jared buy for him. Why hadn’t he brought his own money? If he’d asked his mom—if he told her that someone was willingly spending time with him—she would have given him the five dollars he needed.

If it had taken this long for Jared to be sort of okay with being around him, why did Evan think he had a shot at making friends once he left high school? Why did he bother talking to people at all. Oh God, he was going to have to talk to people in a few minutes. Then they’d think he was stupid, and Connor would think he was even more annoying, and—

“Why are you shaking so much?” Connor was staring at him with cold unsympathetic eyes.

“I’m not,” Evan was able to force out.

“Sure,” Connor scoffed. The accusation behind the question clicked.

“It’s not because of you,” Evan blurted.

“Whatever, Hansen,” Connor wasn’t looking at him.

Connor hated him—or he hated him even more than he had before hand. That was perfect. The day before Connor had seemed like he was almost okay with being around Evan but now he probably thought that Evan saw him the same way everyone else in that hallway had.

But Evan didn’t. Maybe he had a reason to be afraid of Connor, and, sure, he wasn’t exactly keen to get on the boys bad side, but Evan didn’t think that Connor was a monster. Back on the first day of school, Connor had offered to sign Evan’s cast when no one else had wanted to. Connor was just as alone as Evan was, and that was why it had been so easy for the entire school to assume that the fight the other day had been his fault. Evan wasn’t a lot of things, but he knew he wanted to be better than that.

“I have anxiety,” the words left his mouth before he was fully ready to say them. “And I didn’t realize that we were gonna have to talk to a lot of people for this—that sounds really pathetic, I know—but I don’t even go into the cafeteria because there’s a lot of people and I can’t handle that, I’m sorry—”

“Calm down,” Connor gaze had softened slightly.

“Sorry,” Evan looked at his cast. He looked at Connor’s name on his cast. Maybe they weren’t so different.

“Don’t apologize,” Connor sighed. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“It’s fine,” Evan told him.

“It’s not,” Connor countered. “I’m being an ass, you’re allowed to call me out on that. I promise I won’t punch you.”

“Maybe you should.” Evan let a smirk form on his face. “Then you might get suspended.”

“Yeah,” Connor chuckled, his attention went back to the pile of flyers still clutched in Evan’s hands. “I just don’t like doing this shit.”

“I understand,” Evan stated.

“For what it’s worth,” Connor started. “I don’t like going into the cafeteria either.”

“Yeah?” Evan hummed.

“Zoe and I eat in my car,” he added.

“That sounds nice,” Evan wished he could convince Jared to do that with him.

“It’s weird,” Connor said. “Where do you go?”

“The computer lab usually,” Evan admitted.

“You can eat in there?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“No, I, um,” Evan had no way of not sounding pathetic. “I don’t usually eat during the school day.”

“That’s sad,” Connor stated.

“I know,” Evan mumbled.

“Hey, I’ve been meaning to—” Connor stopped himself. Evan watched him run a hand through his hair. “God, this is hard to phrase.”

“What?” Evan questioned in a significantly smaller voice.

“I owe you an apology,” Connor said with a wince.

“No, you don’t,” Evan wasn’t following.

“Yeah, I do.” Connor pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket. Evan tucked the flyers under his bad arm to take it from him. It was only after he’d unfolded it and his eyes were greeted with the far too familiar words that Evan realized what this was.

“You kept my letter?” He didn’t know why he was asking this—he had the paper in his hands, of course Connor kept it. Evan had just always imagined Connor throwing it away after he’d stormed out of the computer lab that day. It shouldn’t have been more than a piece of trash to him. That’s all it really was anyway.

“I know you didn’t write it to make me freak out,” Connor added tentatively.

“You read it?” Evan blinked at him.

“Yeah,” Connor said sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“I,” Evan stammered. Those inked words were honest. They showed exactly what a sad mess Evan was. Connor probably thought so little of him. “It’s fine. It’s not a big deal, really.”

“I shouldn’t have accused you or pushed you or really done any of the shit I did that day,” Connor sounded sincere.

“About, um,” Evan shoved the letter into his pocket. There wasn’t an easy way to say this. “About what I said about Zoe—”

“You don’t have to explain that,” Connor interjected.

“I didn’t mean it in a creepy way,” Evan told him anyway. “That sounds weird, sorry. I just, I had this crush on her.”

“Yeah,” Connor’s voice was heavier now. “I figured that much. It’s fine, Hansen.”

“I promise I wasn’t gonna—”

“It’s _fine_ ,” Connor said again. “You’re a nice guy. If anyone in this shitty school is gonna have a thing for her, I’m glad its you and not one of those assholes.”

“You,” Evan felt like he was hallucinating this entire conversation. “You don’t have to say that.”

“Too bad,” Connor smirked. “I already did.”

A thoughtful look that Evan didn’t understand crossed his face.

“Here give me one of those,” he gestured to the flyers. Evan yielded the stack. “We can just put them in random lockers before school starts. Then people will see it and neither of us has to talk to anyone.”

“That’s smart,” Evan marveled.

“I have my moments,” Connor shrugged before proceeding to shove a flyer through the vents of one of the lockers.

“Connor?” Evan started before he decided against speaking.

“Yeah?” Connor glanced at him.

“Thanks for signing my cast,” he blurted.

“You’re not mad about that?” Connor gave him a odd expression.

“No, not really,” Evan didn’t understand. “Should I be?”

“No,” Connor shook his head, a force smile settling on his lips. “Come on, if we move fast, we can finish before the over achievers start polluting the hallway.”

“Okay,” Evan agreed.

* * *

“You sure, you’re okay to be here today?” Michael asked when Jeremy stumbled off of the bus.

He usually didn’t wait for him, preferring to catch up to him some point between arriving and getting to homeroom. That gave him time to debating running to 7-11 for a before school slushy. Although, as it got colder his need for ice cream based drinks was going down. He didn’t tell this to Jeremy, though. Last year he’d been very proud of being able to eat an entire cone of ice cream in the snow just to freak him out.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Jeremy didn’t sound confident. “Plus we’re out of chocolate and I can’t play video games without you.”

“Aw, I’m second to chocolate?” Michael teased.

Jeremy rolled his eyes, but he had never been good at hiding his smile. Michael like that. It was on his list of one hundred reasons why Jeremy Heere was the most adorable human in existence.

“Why are we walking this way?” Michael asked, realizing they were veering off the direction to their homeroom.

“Oh, I’m avoiding every point of the school I might possibly run into Christine,” Jeremy didn’t even sound sheepish. This was his logical, thought out (on Jeremy level at least) plan for the day.

“Wow.”

“I just,” Jeremy unconsciously tugged at his bangs. “Don’t really wanna see her today.”

Michael understood that. Or, he understood the theory behind it.

He’d never really been able to relate to love causing pain. When he first realized his feelings for Jeremy it had been scary, but in the end it had only made him cherish the time they spent together more.

Sometimes it hurt a little. When him and Christine got together and Jermey started spending less of his free time with Michael in order to go on dates and do cute couple things Micheal would never get to do with him, he had wanted to sink into how completely unfair it all was. But he couldn’t, because he’d always known he’d never had that with Jermey and at least he was still the second most important person in his life. At least he still got to ride the high that Jeremy’s smile gave him.

He supposed break ups were different. He had no idea how Jermey felt right now. That in itself was a first for them.

“What are you gonna do during lunch?” He wondered.

“Hide in the bathroom,” Jeremy stated.

“Really?” Michael questioned.

“I don’t know,” Jeremy sighed.

“We could go off campus,” he suggested. He had a car, and no one was gonna stop them on the last day of the semester. “Get more chocolate.”

“You’re awesome,” Jeremy informed him.

“I know,” Michael grinned.

“I mean it,” Jeremy’s expression was serious now. “I think I’d be dead without you.”

Michael knew this for a fact, even if they didn’t talk about it. He’d always been there more Jeremy and Jermey had always been there for him. That had been their unspoken deal when they became friends. They supported each other. Maybe that was why the crush Michael harbored never really hurt that much. He already had so much, asking for more would just be pushing his luck.

“Yeah, but not because of this,” he tried to shrug off. “You wouldn’t have made it this far without me, man.”

“You’re not letting that go to your head at all,” Jeremy observed.

“Did you think about what we’re gonna sing?” Michael changed the subject.

“What?” Jeremy shot him a confused look.

“For the concert,” Michael reminded him.

“Oh, no,” Jeremy shrugged. “I kinda thought we could figure that out later.”

“Like at the last minute?” Michael knew where this was going.

“Yep,” Jeremy nodded.

“This is why you need me, dude,” he shook his head.

“I know,” Jeremy smiled at him.

Yeah, the high was definitely stronger than any pain pining could bring him.

* * *

Jeremy made it through the first half of the day. Michael had a feeling this was one of the rare times he would be actually alright with the two of them not really having any friends. That way no one could ask why he and Christine weren’t talking, or (if she already told people) wonder what happened to make it all go south. People were nosy, and that wouldn’t make Jeremy’s “I’m fine” act easier maintained.

He was a good actor, but Michael could see the edges of his mask.

“So it’d be weird to sing a Christmas song, right?” He asked once they were safely in his car and headed toward the first fast food place they came across.

“I don’t really care,” Jeremy shrugged.

Jeremy stopped celebrating Christmas when his mom left. Jermey’s dad was jewish, and while the two of them weren’t the most religious people Michael knew, being their own family meant cutting off of the traditions Jeremy’s mom had pushed into the house. They said they liked it better that way.

“Naw, we’re not gonna be holiday-ist,” Micheal decided. “Every winter holiday is going to remain equally unnamed in this performance.”

“We can sing anything, I don’t care,” Jermey told him.

A wide, and hopefully very devious, grin spread on Michael’s face.

“Accept for whatever you’re thinking right now,” Jeremy eyed him suspiciously

Michael took that moment to burst into joke-singing Baby It’s Cold Outside.

“Why would you want to sing the girl part?” Jeremy questioned through poorly concealed laughter.

“‘Cause it’s prettier,” Michael shrugged.

“You’re so weird,” Jermey muttered fondly.

“Hey, I’m letting you keep your fragile masculinity in tack,” Michael countered. “You should be thanking me.”

“Any song but that,” Jermey stated.

“Fine,” Michael drew out the word. “Well I’m gonna turn on the radio, since Christmas songs are literally all every station is playing. Maybe we’ll hear something we like.”

“What about—”

“I’m not singing Hallelujah,” Michael cut him off.

“It’s a good song,” Jeremy exclaimed.

“It’s over played,” Michael informed him.

Five minutes into the drive, Michael was loudly singing along to the third version of Let It Snow that he’d heard that day. If he didn’t know that Jeremy was fully aware off all the memes he could pull out of it, he would have suggested they stumble through singing this for the concert. Then again, considering that it was one of the more cheesy holiday songs someone else had probably claimed it. He made it half way through the chorus before he noticed that Jermey was staring at him.

“Dude.” Jeremy was gapping, this wasn’t exactly uncommon Jeremy behavior, but he usually reserved it for when Michael was doing something somewhat impressive.

“What?” Michael stopped trying to remember the normal lyrics of Let It Snow to ask.

“What the hell?” Jeremy was close to shouting.

“I don’t…” Michael had no idea what was going on.

“Why is your voice good?” Jeremy sounded exasperated.

“What?” Now it was Michael’s turn to gape. “It isn’t.”

“Bullshit.” Jermey didn’t swear a lot. He saved four letter words for rare and baffling occasions. Michael didn’t get why this was one of them. “We have known each other since we were babies.”

“Kindergarten,” Michael corrected.

“And you never told me you could sing,” Jeremy finished.

“I’ve sung in front of you all the time,” Michael was fairly certain of this. Maybe most of it had been jokingly or in reference to a meme, but he was pretty sure Jermey had heard his singing voice before.

“Not like that,” Jeremy shook his head. “Keep going.”

“No.” Michael said mainly because he liked torturing Jeremy in moments like this, but also because this was the first time that day that the sadness still lingering around Jeremy wasn’t visible in his eyes. Michael was going to ride the distraction as long as possible.

“Please?” Jermey all but whined.

Of all the things to develop a weakness to, Jeremy Heere’s puppy dog eyes had not been what younger Michael expected for himself.

“Fine,” Michael begrudgingly agreed.

He sang along to the rest of the song. Since the radio wasn’t all that creative in choices, he was able to get through another four before something he didn’t really know the lyrics to came on. Jermey was still marveling. Michael wasn’t gonna lie, that felt kinda good.

“I don’t care what we sing,” Jermey told him. “You choose. Just sing it really loud.”

“You’re being weird,” Michael let him know.

“Dude, my mind is so blown right now,” Jeremy stated.

Michael laughed.

“That wasn’t supposed to sound like that,” Jeremy rolled his eyes.

“Sure,” Michael teased.

“Shut up,” Jeremy muttered. He was trying hard not to laugh too. “Hey, do I still need to get you a gift since I’m not celebrating Christmas?”

“Considering I tell you every year not to and you do anyway,” Michael started.

“That’s because you give me one,” Jermey countered.

“Naw, those aren’t Christmas presents,” Michael said. “They’re ‘you made it to December with out dying’ presents.”

“Right,” Jeremy gave him a knowing look.

“You don’t have to get me anything,” Michael said seriously.

“I probably will,” Jeremy shrugged. “Once I find money.”

“Where are you looking for money?” Michael asked.

“My aunt has this beanie baby collection,” Jeremy trailed off.

“Jeremy,” Michael stared at him.

“Those things can sell for really freaking high,” Jeremy said in his defense.

“You’re gonna steal beanie babies from your aunt?” Michael exclaimed.

“So I can get my very best friend a very awesome present,” Jeremy said pointedly.

“I can’t decide if that is flattering or disturbing,” Michael shook his head.

“Both,” Jeremy decided.

* * *

So far Connor hadn’t messed everything up and that was a larger accomplishment than he expected. After getting rid of all the flyers that morning, Evan Hansen had stammered something about needing to get to class before disappearing. That was eventually going to get less awkward.

At least Evan wasn’t scared of him. That was more than Connor expected. Out of all the people Connor had been forced to interact with in their school, Evan Hansen seemed to dislike him the least. Actually, Connor would go so far as to say he was fairly certain he had a chance at being Evan’s friend. It was a weird, but not undesirable thought.

He made it to the end of the day before being ambushed by Alana with a new list of things to do for the project that Connor that was fairly certain was never going to end. The only bright side to all of this was that he wasn’t going to have to be dragged to a stupid extended family party on Christmas Eve since both him and Zoe would need to be at the auditorium pretty early.

He didn’t tell Alana that dragging the audience the school on Christmas Eve was probably the reason that they had such low attendance in past years. If he gave her any bright ideas, Zoe would murder him in his sleep. Or while he was awake. She was stronger than she looked and could probably manage it.

“Hansen!” Connor was barely able to catch up with Evan at the end of the day. He liked to get out of school as soon as possible, but Evan could probably break a record on fleeing the building. He didn’t comment on that.

“Hey, Connor,” Evan stopped walking to greet him.

“So Alana wants us to handle decorating the auditorium,” Connor told him.

“Oh,” Evan made a face.

“She says she had confidence in our abilities or whatever the fuck that means,” Connor added.

Evan laughed.

“She gave me some cash for the budget,” Connor place the envelope containing said cash into Evan’s hands. “Which I’m supposed to had to you now because I can’t be trusted with money.”

“That’s mean,” Evan didn’t hide his opinion. That was nice. Having someone on Connor’s side when they didn’t have to be was nice.

“It’s not her,” he tried to brush off.

“I know,” Evan gave him a sad smile as he tucked the envelope into his pocket.

“Here’s the list of things she thinks we’ll be able to find,” Connor remembered. Producing the wrinkled paper from his messenger bag. He handed that to Evan as well.

“That's a lot more things than budget,” Evan observed.

“It’s fine,” Connor had noticed this when Alana first gave it to him. “I’ll pay for whatever that doesn’t cover.”

“That’s nice of you,” Evan told him.

“My parents have been donating to the school in the hopes they don’t kick me out since second grade,” Connor admitted dryly.

“Oh, um,” Evan clearly did not know how to respond to that.

“So, I need to lock myself in my room and try to learn everything I slept through if I hope to survive the next three days,” Connor quickly continued talking.

“Right,” Evan nodded. He was probably more than prepared for all of his finals, but Connor wouldn’t call him out on having his shit together.

“You wanna buy this stuff on Thursday?” He asked.

“The concert is on Friday,” Evan pointed out.

“That gives us the very last minute to throw tinsel everywhere and hope for the best,” Connor crossed his arms, semi-triumphantly.

“Okay,” Evan laughed again. “Sounds like a plan.”

“We should exchange numbers,” Connor realized. “Incase something comes up.”

“Okay.” Evan passed Connor a cellphone model from at least two years ago, while Connor yielded the overly expensive tech his parents shouldn’t trust him with. It all felt very normal.

“Evan,” Connor started when he was sliding his phone back into his pocket and Evan looked like he wasn’t sure if he should still be standing there or not.

“Yeah?” Evan hummed.

There wasn’t an easy way to say this, but giving back the letter hadn’t been a train wreck so Connor felt bound to at least try.

“I’m kinda fucked up—”

"I don’t think so,” Evan didn’t sound like he was just saying that. Connor would save being happy about that for later.

“Let me finish,” he took a breath. “I read your letter more than once.”

“Why?” Evan looked nervous now.

“It’s complicated, and you really don’t want to hear the half of it.” Connor dug his finger nails into his palms. Evan said that he didn’t judge him. Connor was going to make it clear that he didn’t judge Evan either. “Look, I just wanted to say—and I know this means absolutely nothing coming from the school freak—but if you ever want to talk about how much life sucks, hit me up. Okay?”

“Okay,” Evan stammered before a light filled his eyes. “Yeah. I’ll do that.”

“Great,” Connor smiled at him. “I should go—”

“Wait, Connor,” Evan took a step forward.

“Yeah?” Connor waited for him to stammer that he actually wouldn’t ever need to talk to him, because why on earth would anyone want to go to someone like him for comfort?

“It does mean something,” Evan uttered.

“Oh.” That shouldn’t have felt like a gesture, but it did. And, fuck, it made Connor feel a little bit lighter.

“And I don’t think you’re a freak,” Evan added quickly. “Well, it kinda wouldn’t be fair for me to since I’m kinda a loser.”

“Eh, I doubt that,” Connor told him. “I’m gonna go before my sister steals my car.”

“She has your keys?” Evan questioned.

“Sometimes,” Connor faked a grave tone.

“What does that even mean?” Evan looked like he wanted to laugh.

“You don’t wanna know,” Connor informed him before sprinting away.

He wasn’t gonna think about how Evan Hansen looked kinda cute when his guard was down.

* * *

Heidi was used to being tired. She was used to rewriting her life every single day in a desperate attempt to make everything work, and she was fully aware that most of the time not everything was going to. That sucked and hurt and was something she was scared she was always going to have to deal with.

Working through Hanukkah wasn’t a new measure she’d been forced to take. She had coworkers who were more religious than she was, and even if she valued the holiday more than anyone she doubted that anyone would have covered for her if she demanded the nights off.

Evan said he didn’t mind—that he knew she worked hard and he had finals anyway, but that didn’t change that she was leaving him alone in an empty house during the one season that was supposed to be filled with warmth and family.

Family was a funny word. It always felt too big for just the two of them.

It had taken a lot of begging and overtime to manage the one night off she’d gotten. Heidi knew that one dinner wasn’t going to suddenly make their holiday magical, but she’d had enough money set aside for them to enjoy a nice night at a restaurant they shouldn’t be able to afford, and pretend that they were a little bit more normal.

At least, that was the image she had in her head. That picture hadn’t included her shift running late, her barely having time to pick Evan up and change, rushing into the restaurant fifteen minutes late, and being told that they had lost their reservation.

“I’m sorry, we have a twenty minute policy on reservations,” the hostess’s voice was curt and unsympathetic.

“But we’re only fifteen minutes late,” Heidi tried to explain.

She was fully aware of the increasing discomfort of the boy standing behind her. Evan didn’t like this sort of situations. She didn’t want to know what he was thinking. She’d had one night to make ends meet—to make the both of them forget how stressed and thinly spread they were—and all she was doing was embarrassing the both of them.

“Your reservation was seven,” the hostess said back. “It’s seven twenty.”

“Listen,” Heidi inhaled. “There was a lot of traffic and it’s been a really long day.”

“I’m sorry,” the girl deadpanned

“You have to have an empty table somewhere,” Heidi tried.

“Mom, it’s okay,” Evan pipped up. He could tell she was aggravated. He was the one who should be. She’d promised this weeks ago.

“It’s not.” She wasn’t leaving until they’d had a nice meal.

“I don’t really care,” her son continued. “We can go somewhere else, or back home, it’s fine.”

“Thanks, sweetie.” Despite her urge to throttle the hostess still present, Heidi let her self smile at her son. He’d really grown into a sweet boy. She didn’t know how either of them had managed that with the hand they’d been dealt. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay really,” Evan pressed. He looked like he was about to say more before his phone started ringing. Heidi watched him quickly pulling it out of his pocket, his face scrunching when he looked at the screen.

“Who’s that?” She asked.

“Oh, um, it’s for the community service stuff. Is is okay if I…” he looked to the entrance of the restaurant.

“Go right ahead,” she tried to conceal any surprise at Evan willingly answering a phone call.

“Thanks,” he gave her a relieved smile before bracing himself. “Hi, Alana this is kinda a bad time…No, Connor talked to me…I have the money, it’s fine…”

“Hey,” Heidi called before he was out the door. “I’m proud of you.”

He smiled before stepping outside. The last time they’d talked—really sat down and had a conversation—she knew he would have turned his phone off and pretended it hadn’t rang in the first place. Evan was growing up and learning to cope and figuring things out.

And Heidi was missing it.

She turned back to the hostess, who was currently on her cellphone. She was young, probably in college, maybe even high school. Heidi never understood what made people with so much of their lives ahead of them crisp and rude. It was sad.

It was also incredibly irritating.

“Please,” she tried again. “This is the only night of Hanukkah I could get off work.”

“I’m not the one who makes the rules,” the girl crossed her arms. “Sorry, but you need to leave.”

Heidi reminded herself to be patient. They were barely late, and she hadn’t seen anyone enter the restaurant when they were walking to it. There was no way that their table could have been given away before they got there.

“We got here three minutes ago,” she started in a calm voice. “If you have a twenty minute policy—”

“I don’t want to call my manager,” the girl threatened.

There were a lot of things Heidi wanted to say to that, but all of this was silenced by a man in a similar uniform approaching them.

“Is something wrong?” He asked, looking from Heidi to the hostess. Heidi was going to get kicked out of the restaurant.

“Joe, can you explain or policies to this woman?” The girl asked in a tone that sounded more like an order. “My shift is supped to end now.”

“Sure,” the man—Joe nodded. He waited until the girl had walked away before turning to Heidi with a sheepish expression. “I don’t really know our policies. What’s she mad about?”

“I had a reservation for eight,” Heidi told him. “We’re barely twenty minutes late.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda against the rules,” he winced. “I think. It’s my first day working here, I haven’t even told my son I got the job. Which it too much information to be telling you. Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” Heidi said quickly. The restaurant should have put him on the more popular shift. He had a much more hospital presence than the girl.

“So, technically I can’t let you in,” he glanced behind him to make sure the girl was gone. “But if you can pretend to leave for five minutes until Chloe clocks out, I think I can bend the rules a bit.”

“Really?” Heidi wanted to hug this stranger. “Thank you so much.”

“Just don’t tell my boss,” he added.

“You have no idea how much this means to me,” she pressed.

“Ah, I’m just trying to be rebellious,” he laughed. “My son calls me using that word a mid-life crisis. So if you and your date want to hide in the mall for a bit…”

“I’m not on a date,” Heidi didn’t know why she was saying. “This is the only chance my kid and I are gonna get to spend time together before the holiday’s over.”

“That’s too bad,” he hummed.

“It’s been worse,” Heidi brushed off. “Thank you.”

“It’s no problem,” he told her. “I’ve been there. Trust me.”

“I’m Heidi, by the way,” she said.

“Joe Heere. Not as in ‘I’m here’, my last name is Heere.” He let out a nervous chuckled.

“Right.” Heidi flashed a smile before temporarily exiting the restaurant.

Why were nice people like that such a rarity?


	4. Chapter 4

Alana was standing alone outside of the school auditorium. Her fingers were numb and she was seriously regretting not wearing a thicker coat. Knowing that it wasn’t going to change anything, she checked her email for the third time in the past two minutes. She felt like someone had punched her in the gut.

A week ago she had scheduled a mandatory rehearsal with the school bands so that they wouldn’t have to sit through the solo act rehearsals later that week. This was supposed to make everything easier. They’d been so certain that they knew what they were doing, she’d hoped it would only take an hour or so to solidify everything.

Alana knew none of them liked her. She knew that everyone thought she was def to what people said, and maybe she didn’t notice everything she should, but she’d been aware that her project was going to meet opposition.

They could have at least told her they weren’t going to bother showing up.

It took three rings for Connor to pick up. For a moment, Alana thought that he wasn’t going to. It wasn’t school hours so he didn’t really have an obligation to listen to her, and Alana knew there wasn’t any other reason Connor would give her the time of day.

“I gave the money to Evan,” Connor’s groggy voice informed her from the other end of the line. “Don’t worry.”

“I know,” she said into the phone. “He told me. That’s not why I’m calling.”

“Oh,” Connor sounded confused. “Okay.”

“Can you give the phone to your sister?” She asked.

“What?” He might have been laughing. It was either that or scoffing.

“I don’t have her number so I called you,” Alana explained. “I need to talk to her.”

“Right, um, sure,” Connor mumbled, still confused. Alana could hear him walking. “Zoe…It’s Alana Beck. I don’t fucking know…Just take it…”

“Hello?” Zoe’s voice was clear. Alana couldn’t hear satisfaction in it. She was a good actor.

“I want a truce,” Alana let herself say.

“Really?” Zoe’s tone had an edge to it now. “Did you finally realize that screwing over the only people who want to be apart of this is a fucked up move?”

“No, I—” Alana stopped herself. “You know what, sure. You win.”

She was done caring. She was done trying to help people who clearly didn’t care about her. She was done pretending that doing any of this was going to make the last few months of high school meaningful.

“Hey,” Zoe’s voice was softer now. “Are you okay

“I’m fine,” Alana forced her words steady. “I need to talk to you about—”

“You don’t sound fine,” Zoe cut her off. “Hey, I was just being bitchy, I didn’t mean it to come out like that.”

“You know that’s not what’s bothering me,” Alana wasn’t playing this game. She didn’t want to play a game to begin with. She just wanted to be a part of something, but that had always been too much to ask for.

“What?” Zoe asked. “No, I don’t. What’s going on?”

“I called a rehearsal last week,” Alana said through her teeth. “You guys could have at least told me that you don’t respect me enough to show up. That would have still hurt my feelings but at least I wouldn’t be stranded here.”

“What are you talking about?” Zoe questioned. “We don’t have a rehearsal.”

“Yes, you do,” Alana snapped. “I told Brooke to email the rest of jazz band about it since they wouldn’t give me the email list.”

“You also didn’t listen to Brooke when she first asked you not to make changes to the concert,” Zoe stated.

It clicked then. The entirety of band, jazz band, and orchestra wasn’t spiting her. Zoe might not like her, but she wasn’t that sort of person. Alana let herself lean into the cold surface of the buildings facade. She just wanted to go home and never have to think about this.

“I did listen,” she argued. “But one person’s opinion—”

“Alana, it’s not just one person’s opinion, it’s everyone but yours!” Zoe exclaimed. “Are you really that self obsessed?”

The words hung in the air. They rung in Alana’s ears and diminished the energy she had left. She wanted to snap back, she wanted to say Zoe was wrong, but how could she?

“I’m sorry,” Zoe sounded like she meant this. It didn’t help.

“No, you’re right,” Alana exhaled. “I’m full of it. And rude. And selfish.”

“Alana—”

“What am I even doing?” She sighed.

No one asked her to do this. No one ever asked her to do anything. Why did she always have to throw herself into places she clearly wasn’t wanted.

“I’m not gonna ask you to go back on your plan now,” Zoe started. “Partly because it’s too late and partly because I still don’t think you would. I’ll help you reschedule a rehearsal for after exams.”

“Really?” Alana gaped at her phone.

“ _If_ you listen to me and actually take what I have to say into account,” Zoe added.

“I think I can do that,” Alana felt a warmth form in her chest.

“Great,” Zoe said brightly. “Do you have a way to get home?”

“There’s a bus in two hours,” Alana stated. Originally that wasn’t supposed to be so long.

“It’s freezing,” Zoe pointed out.

“I know.” Alana didn’t have to be told this.

“We’ll come get you,” Zoe decided.

“You don’t have to,” Alana told her.

“I want to,” Zoe might have been smiling. “And Connor has to do what I say because starting December I rule our household.”

In the background Alana heard a string of swearing that she assumed was Connor.

“Give us ten minutes,” Zoe said before hanging up.

Alana let out a confused, but not at all disheartened laugh.

* * *

Spending an excessive amount of money and eating an excessive amount of pizza had been Jake and Rich’s post exam failing routine since freshman year. Although, Jake was fairly certain Rich didn’t actually fail any of his exams. Before they’d became friends Rich had been a bit of a geek, and Jake knew he was still just as book smart even if he didn’t openly display it.

Jake stopped caring about grades around the time his parents split. He didn’t seen the point of trying and failing to memorize information he knew he was never going to use. His future didn’t involve going to a university for another eight years and learning how to be a successful member of society. Maybe, Rich’s did. That was a comforting thought.

Still, Jake was going to spend the next few weeks forgetting that school, and the future, and his folks ever existed. Dragging Rich to the mall with him was a part of that. Jake had to get Christmas shopping done at some point, and Rich was pretty hopeless at shopping for the girls on this own. Last year he’d given Chloe the ugliest shirt, and while it had been hilarious, Jake knew that she’d appreciate something nice.

“How about this?” Rich asked holding up what Jake was pretty sure was a skirt, but really had no idea.

“Yeah, if you’re giving it to a blind woman with no taste,” he laughed.

“It’s for Brooke,” Rich started. “Okay, I’ll put it back.”

“Or burn it,” Jake suggested.

“You think we’d get kicked out of the store for that?” Rich asked back.

“Nah,” Jake shook his head. “We’d be doing them a favor.”

“What are you getting them?” Rich wondered.

“I don’t know for Brooke yet,” he fished his phone out of his pocket and showed Rich the saved image of a silver necklace. “Bought this for Chloe a couple weeks ago.”

“Damn,” Rich hummed.

“Yeah,” Jake put his phone away. “She has incredibly high standards.”

“You guys aren’t…” Rich made one of his usually well concealed thoughtful faces. “You know…dating again?”

“God no,” Jake laughed.

“I can’t keep up with the on again off again stuff,” Rich offered as explanation.

“It’s off,” Jake informed him. “Permanently.”

Rich nodded.

“Like forever,” Jake added. “Until the end of time.”

“I get it,” Rich laughed. “She’s your crazy controlling friend instead.”

“Now you’re getting it,” Jake grinned.

“Seriously,” Rich gave him a knowing look. "She’s gonna freak out your next girlfriend.”

“I’ll just have to date someone who’s not scared of her—” Jake caught his words. “Okay, no that’s impossible.”

“Hey, what about this?” Rich pulled a silk jacket off one of the racks.

“Can you afford that?” Jake asked. He watched Rich glance at the price tag.

“Nope,” he shoved the jacket back where it belonged, and let out a loud groan. “Why is this so hard?”

“You’re just really bad at clothes,” Jake answered.

Rich didn’t argue. That was true. Half the time the muscle tops he wore to school didn’t match his pants. No one really cared, since when Rich wore a muscle top his color coordination was the last thing that anyone was going to notice.

Jake started working out back when he was first trying to convince Chloe to go out with/sleep with him. She’d made a comment about liking buff guys, which he’d seen as a challenge. After the relationship ran it’s course, he kept up with going to the gym. He liked the way it made him look, and the movement kept his mind off of other stuff.

He’d told Rich he should consider working out because he figured being toned couldn’t hurt. He hadn’t expected Rich to get ripped in the course of a few months and ecstatically stick with it. Not that Jake was complaining.

The first time he’d seen Rich shirtless was the reason he was positive he was pansexual. He’d googled that definition that night after a string of not very heterosexual thoughts refused to leave him alone.

“Brooke won’t care what you get her,” Jake told Rich. “She’ll say it’s the thought that counts.”

“Cool,” Rich nodded.

“Unless you’re like trying to impress her or something,” Jake threw out there.

“Naw,” Rich shook his head. “She’s not my type.”

Jake had spent four years trying to figure out what Rich’s type was. He’d seen him hook up with a handful of chicks, none of them had any similarities. He was close to just flat out asking, but he wasn’t gonna risk Rich wondering why he cared. Putting three and a half years of friendship on the line wasn’t worth the off chance that Rich would be down.

“Gotcha,” Jake said out loud. “Just get her jewelry.”

“I’m bad at jewelry too,” Rich informed him.

They’d gone through about half the store with very little luck before being distracted by someone shouting Rich’s name from across the room.

“Sup,” Rich walked over to two people that Jake knew he would not have talked to openly if they were in school.

Jake followed. He didn’t care who Rich talked to, or inadvertently made him talk to.

Jared Kleinman was a one hundred percent geek. He was the sort of person Rich probably would have become if Jake hadn’t befriended him. There were a handful of people like this at their school. Jake never understood why they didn’t form a group so at least they’d seem a little less sad. Maybe they annoyed each other. Jake could understand that.

Rich had shared a digital media class with Kleinman in sophomore year. From the little Rich had told him about it, Jake was pretty sure that the two of them had spent most of each period looking at memes on the computer behind their teacher’s back. Watching them talk was weird. For one, Jake didn’t understand most of what they were saying and that was a great reminder that there was a whole side of his best friend that he really didn’t know. Then there was the knowledge that babbling about internet jokes with someone who dressed like the nerdy kid from It could have very easily could have been Rich’s normal.

Hovering next to Jared with an uncomfortable expression on his face, was Evan Hansen. Jake only knew his name because they’d been in the same English class from the past seven semesters. Evan Hansen wasn’t as much of a nerd as his friend, in fact, Jake wasn’t sure if he was a nerd at all. He only ever knew anything about quiet people in their school if they were involved in some sort of drama or gossip.

Now that he thought about it, Jenna had been texting him the night before about something having to do with this kid. Jake didn’t always read Jenna’s texts. He had the group chat she made a year ago to drop gossip on silent because Chloe told him if he left it he’d start drama.

“Do you have any idea what they’re talking about?” Jake asked out loud.

“Not really,” Evan Hansen looked from Rich and Jared to Jake.

“Same,” Jake stated.

Evan laughed nervously.

Jake would have liked for that the be the end of the conversation, but he wasn’t gonna drag Rich away from his geek fest. That felt selfish. He wasn’t really sure why.

“You guys Christmas shopping?” He asked casually.

“Oh, I don’t—” Evan stammered. “Yeah, we’re just looking at things. Um, that’s what you guys doing too, right? ‘Cause this is a girls store, and we’re all here, and that’s probably kinda weird. I’ll shut up now.”

“You talk really fast, dude,” Jake commented.

“I know,” Evan mumbled.

Jenna was probably texting him about someone with a similar name. There was no way this kid was involved in anything remotely drama enticing. Jake took his phone out of his pocket, making sure that the other three couldn’t see it’s screen (not that Rich or Jared were looking in his direction), and pulled up the messages he’d glanced at the night before.

Well, that wasn’t exactly gossip.

Apparently, Evan Hansen had been putting flyers in people’s lockers with Connor Murphy the day before. Jake didn’t get why any of his friends would care about that. He knew that the kid he’d gotten into a fight with had been sentenced to community service. The fact that Murphy wasn’t expelled wasn’t that big of a deal. Sure, Jake liked the idea of anyone who tried to mess with Rich being far away from him, but if the dean kicked Murphy out Jake probably would have been dismissed as well.

That being said, he had no idea how the kid who looked like he was going to pass out over not even a full conversation could handle being in the same room as Connor Murphy.

“My friend saw you passing out flyers with Murphy the other day,” Jake said.

“Oh, yeah, we’re, um—” Evan winced. “I’m helping with the Christmas concert. It’s on the 23rd, if you guys wanna come or something…”

“Cool,” that wasn’t what Jake meant to be asking about.

“It’s probably gonna be really bad,” Evan added.

“Nice,” Jake didn’t expect much else from their school.

Evan laughed again. He was looking at the ground. Jake used to think that Rich was on edge. He owed freshman Rich and apology.

“Sorry you have to deal with that guy, by the way,” Jake voiced.

“What?” Evan blinked at him.

“You seem nice,” Jake shrugged. “It sucks that you have to put up with that freak.”

“Connor’s not a freak,” Evan’s voice was a lot louder than it have been seconds ago. “You don’t know anything about him!”

Rich and Jared stopped talking. Jake didn’t look at them, but he was pretty sure that they were gaping. It took a second for the confidence of the outburst to deflate, and Evan Hansen to look just as shocked at what he’d just said.

“I, um—”

That was when Jake could feel himself getting pissed off, because he wasn’t the asshole in this situation or in what had happened in the hallway a few days ago. Jake didn’t start things. He hated being aggressive, and he knew Rich did to. Who the fuck did this kid think he was?

“I know that he thinks it’s okay to fuck with people he doesn’t think will fight back,” Jake’s voice was more controlled than he expected it to be.

"That’s not…” Evan looked like he wanted to bolt out of the store.

“We gotta go!” Jared Kleinman spoke up now, grabbing hold of Evan’s arm and hauling him in the direction of the exit.

“What just happened?” Rich questioned.

“I have no idea,” Jake shook his head. “You gonna buy that?”

“Think so,” Rich looked down at the necklace in his hands. “Is it okay?”

“It’s great,” Jake shrugged. He suddenly didn’t want to be shopping anymore.

It was only when they were walking out of the store and into the rest of the thankfully large mall, that Rich cleared his throat.

“You don’t really think that people think I won’t fight back,” he started.

“I thought we talked about this already.” Jake just wanted Rich to be easier on himself. He just wanted them to go back to laughing about clothes and Chloe and Brooke.

“I know, but you said…” Rich rubbed the back of his neck. “Never mind, it’s not a big deal.”

“You sure?” Jake asked.

“Yeah,” Rich nodded. "Let’s go to Sbarro.”

That was something Jake could get behind.

“You think I should be trying to hook up with Brooke?” Rich asked suddenly.

“Nope,” Jake answered honestly.

“Why?” Rich gave him a weird look.

There were a lot of reasons. Some of them had more to do with Jake than Rich or Brooke. He wasn’t going to say those.

“Are you into her?” He asked.

“Not really,” he admitted. “But I’m single and she’s single, so there’s that.”

“She’s single now,” Jake started.

“Are you asking her out?” Rich questioned.

“No,” Jake debated whether or not making Rich feel better was worth giving away a secret. It was. “Chloe might be.”

“Seriously?” Rich nearly shouted.

“You didn’t hear it from me,” Jake added.

“Chloe and Brooke,” Rich hummed. “That’s…”

“Mildly terrifying?” Jake offered.

“I was gonna go with cute,” Rich informed him.

“Or hot,” Jake had to say.

“Yeah,” Rich nodded. “But still terrifying.”

“Oh, totally.”

* * *

Connor was currently driving back to his high school after being home from exams for a whole five minutes, because Zoe was determined to rescue her recently declared Christmas concert nemesis from being stranded outside in the cold. If this were a dream, he would have called it far fetched and unrealistic. Right now the only word to describe the situation he had no idea how he landed himself in was weird.

“I want an explanation,” he told his sister.

“How’d your exam go?” She asked instead.

“Horrible,” he said flatly. “Why are we kidnaping Alana?”

“We’re not kidnaping her, she knows we’re coming,” Zoe brushed off.

“You two hate each other,” Connor pointed out.

“I don’t think Alana is capable of hate,” Zoe interjected.

“Everyone is capable of hate,” Connor said too darkly. “Yesterday you were complaining about her.”

“We talked things over,” Zoe shrugged.

“In the five minute conversation you had on my phone?” Connor didn’t buy that for a second.  
“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. “Just drive fast, I don’t want her to freeze to death.”

“One, it’s not that cold,” Connor started. “Two, next time I get a ticket I’m telling our parents you encourage me to break the speed limit.”

“You’re not gonna get a ticket,” Zoe scoffed. “We have a truce, okay?”

“Sure,” Connor deadpanned. “You know I could kick you out of the car if I wanted to.”

“Why do you care this much?” Zoe’s voice hovered near accusatory.

“I don’t,” Connor muttered. “I’m just curious and could be studying right now.”

“That’s funny,” Zoe said dryly.

“I know.”

“I think I made her cry,” Zoe’s voice was softer now.

The thought of Zoe insulting anyone not in their family was as unbelievable as the thought of Alana Beck being offended by someone else. But from the look in Zoe’s eyes, Connor could tell she wasn’t just blurting a reason to get him off of her back. He had an excuse for not being able to imagine what Alana’s side of whatever happened must have looked like. Did he really know that little about his sister?

“Okay,” his voice was number than he wanted it to.

“I’m just trying to do the right thing,” Zoe murmured.

That was more inline with how he’d always seen her. Zoe was a good person. She wasn’t always nice to him or their parents, but she’d never deserved to be shackled to them. Zoe knew when she crossed a line—she could see the fucking line that had always been such a blur to her older brother.

“That’s nice,” was all he could say.

“It’s selfish,” Zoe informed him.

Yeah, he wasn’t gonna disagree with that.

“It’s still nice,” he uttered.

“I guess,” she slumped forward in her seat. “We’re not very good at apologizing, are we?”

Connor wasn’t sure he’d ever heard a bigger understatement. It had taken him years to realize that not everyone was as stubborn, ridged, and set on being right as their family. For so long, even on low stakes problems, that had been the norm. The Murphy’s didn’t bend, they broke. They broke very easily.

“Just us or Mom and Dad too?” He asked.

“All of us,” she sighed.

“Yeah,” he hummed. “We kinda suck.”

“Was it always like this?” she asked softly.

Connor wanted to say that it wasn’t. That once upon a time everything had been perfect, and they had been a happy shiny family. He wanted to think that at one point of his life he hadn’t been a fuck up and Zoe hadn’t been the fuck up’s sister. He remembered when they used to all spend time together. He remembered picnics and ice-cream and laughing. But he also remembered being the eight-year-old who threw a printer.

“I don’t know,” he exhaled.

She nodded. He didn’t know what she wanted him to say. He hated lying just as much as she hated being lied to.

“Alana bounces back, you know?” He told her in a lighter tone. “And I don’t think most people would force their older brother to drive into hell just to apologize.”

“You’re bad at this,” she said dryly.

“I’m bad at a lot of things,” he replied. “Alana knows you’re not an asshole. Stop worrying about that."

“Thanks,” she mumbled.

“But you owe me,” he added. “A lot.”

“Yeah, yeah,” a smile crossed her lips. “I know.”

* * *

“So you’ve gone crazy, that’s fun!” Jared stopped dragging Evan once they were safely away from the store and the mess Evan had suddenly decided to talk them into. “You realize the Jake Dillinger is like the ruler of our school, right?”

“You’re making it more dramatic than it is,” Evan nervously attempted to brush off.

“I’m just saying,” Jared crossed his arms.

“I didn’t mean to snap at him,” Evan’s hand pulled at the hem of his shirt unconsciously. “Actually, no. I think I did.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Evan Hansen?” Jared was very close to gawking, both at Evan’s actions and the fact that he wasn’t a nervous wreck over them.

“I don’t know,” Evan exhaled. “But I feel good.”

“Seriously?” Jared raised an eyebrow.

“No, that was a lie,” he confessed sheepishly. “But, I’m glad I said it. Connor’s nicer than people realize.”

Jared wasn’t really sure at what point Evan went from being more than a little bit scared of being in the same room as Connor Murphy, to voluntarily rushing to his defense. This wasn’t like him. Evan didn’t raise his voice at people. Evan barely raised his voice at Jared and they’d known each other since they were kids. Evan didn’t like confrontation, Jared couldn’t remember a time where he chose to put himself in the middle of it.

And for Connor fucking Murphy? Was this the fucking Twilight Zone?

“You realize that theres more than one side of whatever happened in the hallway a couple days ago,” Jared’s voice was level and way more patient than he felt. “Right?”

“I don’t care,” Evan decided. “I’m sick of people treating Connor like that.”

Oh. Jared understood now.

“You have a crush on him,” he voiced.

“What?” And just like that Evan was back to skittish, nervous, normal Evan Hansen. “No, I don’t, I just—”

“Pick one Murphy sibling to pine over and stick with it,” Jared laughed even though he really didn’t find any of this funny.

“I don’t have a crush on him!” Evan sputtered. “I just want to be his friend.”

“Yeah,” Jared hummed. “From you that’s like a declaration of love.”

“No, it’s not,” Evan muttered.

“Dude, you were like terrified of the guy a week ago,” Jared reminded him.

“I wasn’t, I just—” Evan looked at his shoes. “I didn’t know him.”

“And you do now?” Jared scoffed. “After being around him for two days?”

“Yeah.” Evan seemed to understand why this wasn’t adding up. Jared knew that didn’t mean he was going to admit Jared was right about any of it.

“Jesus Christ,” Jared muttered.

“Can we just get out of here?” Evan’s voice was close to pleading.

“Yeah.” Jared wasn’t agreeing because he felt bad for the teasing. Evan was the one who’d nearly gotten them into a fight to defend someone who a few days ago had hated the both of them.

They made it to Jared’s car when he remembered that he couldn’t go back to his house. He wasn’t going to call what was happening fighting. He didn’t really know what to call what his parents had been doing the past few days. He just knew that he wasn’t going to be anywhere near either of them until they got their shit sorted.

He was tired. Not scared. He didn’t get scared anymore.

“You wanna get coffee?” He asked Evan, because where else were they going to go?

“Sure,” Evan shrugged.

Jared nodded. He pretended that caffeine and sugar was going to fix everything, because that’s what this season was about right? Ignoring all of your problems in favor of silly, shiny solutions that were never going to hold in the new year.

It was kinda funny how easy it was to let most of this slip his mind when he walked into the cafe. He’d chosen this place as a last resort and because he and Evan weren’t close enough to have another place they went together. For the moment, he’d tell himself that it had nothing to do with the boy behind the counter.

Jared hadn’t even thought that he’d be on shift, since usually they came in the morning. He sort of felt like this was his good karma paying off. Because, yeah sometimes he was a jerk to Evan, and most of the time he wasn’t the sort of person that people wanted around, but the past few weeks felt like one obstacle after another. If getting to gawk at a cute boy who’d probably never give him the time of day in real life was his penance, he’d fucking take it.

There was another person behind the counter this time. Considering he didn’t look like he was doing much work, and wasn’t exactly in uniform, Jared was assuming this was either the owner or the manager.

After ordering their drinks and over priced pastries, they sat at their usual table. It took a second for Jared to notice Evan was giving him an odd look.

“What?” He asked point blank.

“Nothing,” Evan was repressing a grin. “It’s just…”

“Just?” Jared crossed his arms.

“You’re staring at that guy,” Evan jerked his head in the direction of the cute barista.

“You’re staring at me,” Jared said back.

“Because you’re being weird,” Evan justified.

“You say that like it’s abnormal,” Jared leaned back in his seat.

“He’s cute,” Evan stated.

“Hmm?”

“That guy,” Evan gestured again.

He wasn’t that great at subtle when it came to this sort of thing. Well, Jared couldn’t really say that, could he? Since Evan never really wanted to talk about liking anyone even thought he was the king of harboring over romanticized crushes, and he didn’t usually like it when Jared talked about attraction at all.

Yeah, this was definitely the Twilight Zone.

“Eh,” Jared feigned apathy. “I didn’t notice.”

“Right,” Evan didn’t believe that.

“Shut up,” Jared stopped himself from groaning.

“I didn’t say anything,” Evan was grinning openly now.

“You’re thinking things,” Jared huffed. “It’s annoying.”

“You’re the one who’s convinced I like Connor,” Evan muttered.

“Because you shouted at someone for him,” Jared pointed out. “Me looking at a cute guy, just means I have eyes, Hansen.”

“So you admit he’s cute?” Evan nearly jumped.

“You sound like a twelve year old girl,” Jared let him know.

“That’s sexist,” Evan told him.

“No, it isn’t,” Jared brushed off.

They were interrupted by their food and drinks being called.

“You gonna get it?” Evan raised his eyebrows. Jared officially wasn’t a fan of Twilight Zone Evan.

“It’s your food too,” Jared argued.

“Yeah, but,” Evan made a face.

“What is wrong with you today?” Jared shook his head before pulling himself out of his chair and walking to the counter. “Thanks.”

The cute barista smiled at him. Jared smiled back until he took a sip of what clearly was not the drink he’d ordered. Well, he couldn’t say he hadn’t expected that at this point.

“That’s wrong isn’t it?” The barista asked, his forehead creasing.

Jared glanced at the guy who was probably his manager.

“No,” he lied. “I just make faces sometimes.”

He’d probably lied for smaller reasons.

“I’m weird like that,” he continued, glancing back to the table. “Right, Evan?”

Evan looked kinda mortified, which he very much deserved after that conversation. The barista laughed.

“I’m trying to embarrass him,” Jared explained.

“I can tell,” the barista flashed him a relieved smile before getting back to work. Jared didn’t care that he was grinning as well.

“Shut up,” he hissed when he was back at their table.

“I’m still not saying anything,” Evan mumbled.

“So I can’t be back at my house for a few hours,” Jared let him know.

“Oh.”

“We can either go to your place or stay here,” he continued.

“My mom has finals,” Evan stated. “For her night classes, so I said I’d stay out of her hair for the day.”

“Camping out here, it is,” Jared declared.

“Dear God,” Evan murmured.

Half an hour later the manager had left the cafe. Evan had brought a book in his backpack, which he retrieved once they’d gotten bored of pretended to make conversation like normal people. Jared’s phone was going to die soon. That meant if he didn’t want to die of lack of entertainment, he was going to have to steal Evan’s.

He was contemplating whether or not internet access was worth putting up with the weird glitches Evan’s phone always had, when the bartsia approached their table. Evan was in the bathroom (possibly hiding, Jared didn’t know).

“This is what you actually ordered,” the barista placed a cup in front of Jared. "Thanks for covering for me.”

“No problem,” Jared shrugged off.

“Seriously,” the guy pressed. “I’m like this close to getting fired, it’s not even funny.”

“Maybe you should get better at remembering orders,” Jared couldn’t help saying.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “That’s fair.”

“How come I haven’t seen your around?” Jared let himself ask, since this boy was actually talking to him, and that opportunity probably wasn’t gonna come again. “I thought everyone in this district when to the same school.”

“Oh, I go to a private school a district over,” he said sheepishly.

“Fancy,” Jared hummed.

“It sucks,” the boy’s voice dropped. “Do you know Chloe Valentine and Jake Dillinger?”

“I’ve seen then around,” Jared shrugged, trying not to give away that the first of those two wouldn’t give him the time of day and the second probably now hated him by association. “Why?”

“I kinda know them from parties,” the boy told him. “Back when I went to parties.”

“Is there a juicy history behind that?” Jared couldn’t help asking.

“No,” the boy laughed. “Homework and school made me boring.”

“And you don’t at least have a dramatic scandal story to show for it?” Jared joked.

“Sadly, no,” the boy laughed.

“That’s too bad.” Jared picked up the drink and raised it to his lips. “Yeah, this is the right one.”

“Good,” the boy smiled. “I won’t mess it up next time.”

“It’s fine if you do,” Jared told him. “You usually give me free shit afterwards, so I’m not complaining.”

They both laughed. They both didn’t find it particularly funny. This was awkward, but it was kinda nice at the same time. Jared didn’t know how to describe it.

“Well,” the barista started. “Nice to know it wasn’t you.”

“What?” Jared asked.

“It’s nothing,” he shook his head, but kept talking anyway. “Someone told my manger I’m sloppy so I’ve been getting the third degree a lot.”

“That sucks,” Jared meant this.

“I just need a couple more months then I’m quitting,” he added.

“Leaving on your terms,” Jared nodded. “I like it.”

“Thanks.” And there was that smile. Goddammit, Jared was gay.

“It’d probably be hard for them to find someone as cute to replace you.” He hadn’t meant to say it like that. He hadn’t really meant to say it. Jared didn’t hit on people a lot, but he could fake his way through being smooth enough if he needed of. Or, at least, he thought he could.

“I—”

And of course it was at that moment—mid embarrassment—that Evan came back. Jared watched his confused eyes go from Jared to the boy standing in front of him. The boy took a step back

“I need to get back to work,” he stammered. “Thanks, again.”

“Sorry,” Jared started. “I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s fine,” he said quickly before darting back to the counter.

Jared officially wanted to die.

“What happened?” Evan asked.

“Nothing,” Jared said bitterly. “Let’s just get out of here.”

“I thought you said—”

“I know what I said,” Jared knew it wasn’t fair to snap at Evan, who honestly looked more worried than offended. “I don’t care, we’ll go to my house. Just, come on.”

“Okay.” Evan followed him, because Evan always followed. It was only when they were outside of the cafe that he spoke up again. “What happened?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Jared muttered.

“You were talking to that guy,” Evan didn’t stop.

“Evan—”

“Did he turn out to be a dick?” The question was almost innocent, but Jared wasn’t going to say out loud what a fucking idiot he’d just made of himself.

“I said I don’t wanna talk about it,” he pressed irritably. "Take a hint.”

“Sorry,” Evan flinched.

Jared just needed to get out of here. They needed to be in the car and headed somewhere that didn’t reek of humiliation. If that even existed for the two of them.

“Will your mom be done studying once exams are done Thursday?” He asked, trying to change the subject. “I’m pretty sure my folks won’t notice if I swipe the tacky holiday wine my mom’s been buying.”

“Actually, Connor and I are buying the concert decorations,” Evan informed him.

“Damn,” that shouldn’t have annoyed Jared, but it did. “Is he like your new best friend of something?”

“It’s for the community service hours,” Evan reminded him in a meek voice. Sometimes Jared was sure Evan just sounded like that to make him feel bad for him.

“Yeah,” he scoffed. “You shouted at Jake Dillinger because of the community service hours.”

“Are you mad at me?” Evan asked.

“No,” Jared was just so beyond done with today. He just didn’t need a reminder that Evan Hansen was perfectly capable of getting a guy to like him while Jared was always gonna be in denial of how alone he was. “But you should remember who your friends are before you do stupid shit like that.”

“What are you talking about?” Evan blinked at him.

Jared stopped walking. That was a mistake, and in the back of his mind he knew it was. If they just got to the car, and he could put his mind of driving, and Evan could be too busy trying to stay calm to pester him, then maybe they could stop caring about what this argument was turning into.

“You made me look like an idiot too,” Jared stated.

“Then maybe you should tell Jake and Rich that we’re just family friends and you only hang out with me so your parents will pay for your car insurance,” Evan sputtered. He was pissed off. He wasn’t shrinking into himself, he was looking at Jared with narrowed, annoyed eyes.

“Yeah,” Jared said because he knew this wasn’t what Evan wanted to hear. “I should.”

“This isn’t about what I said to Jake,” Evan voiced.

“What?”

“You thought it was funny when we left the store, you’re just mad because that barista rejected you,” he blurted. It took a second for both of them to hear that. It took a second for Jared to feel like his only real friend had just rubbed salt in a wound he hadn’t wanted to admit existed. “Oh my God, Jared, I’m sorry—”

“Fuck you,” Jared spat.

“That wasn’t supposed to sound—”

“Really?” He cut Evan off. “What was it supposed to sound like then? You know, I don’t have to take this from someone who can’t even say that he’s bi without looking like he’s having a fucking brain aneurysm.”

“That’s not fair,” the frantic look in Evan’s eyes was replaced with something Jared didn’t see from him a lot.

“Suck it up,” Jared said only because he wasn’t going to break now. Not in the middle of a parking lot, and now when Evan had just made it perfectly clear what he thought about him.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Evan said darkly. “Half the time I’m scared to death if you’re mad at me or not, when it’s clear that you really don’t give a shit about me.”

“You just said—”

“And I apologized!” Evan shouted. “I apologize to you for stuff that doesn’t matter every day, Jared. I can’t think of a single time you’ve said you’re sorry when you know you hurt my feelings. And don’t say I sound like a little kid, because I really don’t care.”

“Okay, so two days of hanging out with Connor Murphy and you suddenly have the blind confidence of a stoner,” Jared commented dryly.

“Why do you care that I’m hanging out with Connor?” Evan all but demanded. “He’s nicer to me than you are.”

And Jared couldn’t retaliate, because that was fucking true wasn’t it? He was a terrible friend to Evan—he couldn’t even say out loud that he was Evan’s friend. He spent so much time pretending he was the stronger, smarter, better one, when at the end of the day at least Evan knew how to find people who liked him. Evan had noticed him looking at the barista, he’d tried to talk to him about that even though he hated talking about guys. Evan was a great friend and he didn’t even think Jared cared about him.

But Jared did. He liked being around Evan. He liked that he didn’t have to censor himself, and that Evan could take a joke (or at least was a good sport about it). But he couldn’t just say that. He didn’t say things like that, because as soon as he admitted that he liked something—that he wanted something—it always got ripped away from him. Like every other friend he’d tried to keep, like having a childhood that didn’t involve his parents screaming at each other for god knowns what, like still being able to afford the summer camp that made the hell of the rest of the year worth it.

He couldn’t just be open. He thought Evan understood that.

“I’m gonna walk home,” Evan told him.

“You’re house is two miles away,” Jared took a step forward. He took a breath. He could apologize. He could tell Evan his parents were fighting again and he knew he was too old for it to hurt him, but it did. He could be honest.

“I won’t tell my mom, don’t worry,” Evan said bitterly.

“That’s wasn’t—” Jared stopped. Because that hurt, because he was a coward, and because he was never going to take the first step. It wasn’t in his DNA. “Fine. Have fun wearing out your knock off shoes.”


	5. Chapter 5

Alana had spent a large portion of her day sitting in the Murphy’s kitchen, watching Zoe and Connor bicker as Zoe made Christmas cookies while sliding around with socks on the tile floor, and Connor proceeded to steal said Christmas cookies. They didn’t talk about why she was there. Instead Zoe included her in their jokes, and Connor gave her a knowing look every time he made fun of his sister. She felt like she was supposed to be at that table laughing with those two people. It was almost like she belonged.

“You don’t have to take the bus, Connor could give you a ride.” Zoe offered when Alana told her she really should be heading out soon.

“No, that’s okay,” Alana assured her.

“You can take some of these,” Zoe thrusted a bag of cookies into her arms. “We make a lot this time of year.”

“Really?” Alana asked, mainly to prologue standing in their doorway and the nice feeling that being in the house filled her with.

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. “It’s like the one thing my mother and I can actually bond over.”

“That’s—”

“Very stereotypical, I know,” Zoe cut her off dryly. “But Connor can’t make a grilled cheese sandwich without burning it, so someone has to succumb to the Christmas cookie craze.”

“Do you solve all disagreements like this?” Alana held up the cookies.

“Considering most of them are with Connor, no,” Zoe laughed. “But it’s almost Christmas and you’re not jerks like we are.”

“I don’t think you’re a jerk,” Alana said honestly.

Zoe was a lot of things, but that wasn’t on the list whether she believed that or not. Zoe was bright, and talented, and funny, and incredibly pretty, but she wasn’t any meaner than Alana has also been to her. Had Zoe always been that pretty or had it taken seeing she sliding on a tile floor in bright red and white socks for the image to form?

“We should probably talk about the concert before I go,” Alana said.

“Right,” Zoe’s smile fell.  
“But that might end in arguing again,” Alana considered.

“It might,” Zoe hummed.

“Why don’t you schedule the band rehearsal and email me?” Alan suggested. “Then we can meet an hour before and figure out what we’re doing.”

“Okay, that sounds good,” Zoe grinned at her. “But, it’s probably easier if I just text you. Plus, I think if we don’t exchange numbers Connor’s not gonna let us use his phone to communicate.”

“Right,” Alana retrieved her phone from her pocket and handed it to Zoe who did the same. She tried not to question if this made them friends, or unlikely allies, or something more than indifferent acquaintances. “Well, the bus stop is only a block away.”

“I’m really sorry about being so hostile to you,” Zoe blurted without warning.

“I didn’t think you were that much,” Alana told her honestly.

“That’s because I’m passive aggressive and you don’t—” Zoe froze. “Fuck.”

“No, what were you gonna say?” Alana asked.

“Sometimes,” Zoe bit her lip. “It comes off like you can’t read that kind of stuff.”

“Oh,” Alana took that in. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“I’m sorry,” Zoe said again.

“I can’t always,” Alana answered honestly. “Well, I think I can’t. I don’t know.”

“My family has this problem—” Zoe started. “ _I_ have this problem, where I like to not just say what I’m thinking until I can’t not anymore and it gets really messed up.”

“You and your brother are a lot alike,” Alana stated.

“That’s not true,” Zoe said flatly.

“Are you sure?” From where Alana was standing, and the little she’d been around Connor for, that seemed like exactly why he was stuck doing community service with her. But that wasn’t what Zoe wanted to hear, and it definitely wasn’t Alana’s place to voice. “We’re bad a getting along, aren’t we?”

“I don’t want to be,” Zoe replied. “Bad at it, I mean.”

“Neither do I,” Alana meant this.

Zoe smiled at her. There was something about how private, and subtle, and real that smile was that made something inside Alana feel like it was breaking.

“We’ll take it one step at a time,” Zoe decided.

“Yeah,” Alana forced her voice steady.

“Today was listening,” Zoe went on.

“Okay,” Alana nodded.

“I think we both did pretty good,” she added.

“We did,” Alana laughed. “Thanks for helping me.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Zoe told her.

“I want to,” Alana let a smirk form on her face. “And we both know I’m very stubborn.”

“Right,” Zoe grinned back.

“I’ll see you later.” If Alana didn’t leave now she probably never would.

“Yeah,” Zoe said brightly. “Bye, Alana.”

* * *

Eating dinner at the Heere’s had never been a normal experience. Michael couldn’t remember a time where he didn’t spend just as much of a week at Jeremy’s house as he did his own, but that never lessened the odd feeling at the dinner table.

At first it had been Jermey’s parents and how they always seemed on the edge of a fight. Jeremy noticed. He never talked about it, but Michael knew he could always tell that there was something wrong. Jeremy’s mom was nice to Michael. He’d always had a feeling she didn’t really like him, but she was never outwardly rude or unwelcoming. Michael never asked if he wasn’t wanted, because he never wanted to bother Jermey with that. He had enough issues with his mother. Michael had expected them to all eventually grow out of it.

Then she’d left. Suddenly the uncomfortable energy wasn’t because of a increased tension but a lack of it. Jeremy’s father never seemed to know what he was doing, Jeremy never seemed fully alright with that, and their food was always over cooked.

Michael did what Michael always did, and tried to lighten the mood. He was pretty sure it was only after Jeremy’s mom split that Jeremy’s dad became so supportive of their friendship. He always asked if Michael was going to spend the night, or come back again the next day. He wasn’t good at a lot of things, but at least he could sort of see what was good for Jeremy.

For a little bit it seemed like things were gonna get better between Jeremy and his father. Jermey’s dad had a job now. He wore pants and his cooking was somewhat edible. When Michael came over after finishing his last final exam, he thought maybe they’d have a nice night and he wouldn’t have to distract with one of the facts he’d learned on the internet that day or a weird embarrassing story.

He wasn’t wrong, but something was still off. The only difference, was that this time is wasn’t brought by the adult in the room. When they’d finished the not too dry casserole, Jeremy dragged Michael out of the kitchen, saying they had to practice their bit for the holiday concert.

“Okay,” Jeremy dropped into his bed with a loud exhale. “So music?”

“Is everything okay with you and your dad?” Michael didn’t stop himself from asking.

“What? Yeah,” Jeremy gave him an odd look. “Why?”

“Nothing,” Michael shrugged. “Things just felt weird.”

“This time of year is weird,” Jeremy stated.

“Because of the holiday?” Michael asked.

“No, Hanukkah is nice,” Jeremy admitted with a slight smile. “He’s not dragging me to my aunt’s this year and we actually have money so—”

“You don’t have to talk about that,” Michael needed to make clear.

“Is it that awkward?” Jeremy asked.

“No,” Michael meant this.

“He doesn’t have a great job,” Jeremy told him.

“Yeah,” Michael nodded.

“But he has one,” Jeremy stated.

“That’s good,” Michael interjected.

“I think he hates it,” Jeremy added.

“Right.”

“Accept for the other night when he came home super happy,” Jermey made a face. “But I don’t think that was ‘cause of the work.”

“Yeah,” Michael hummed.

Jeremy sighed again. Michael watched him lean back on his bed. He usually didn’t look this exhausted, even his time of year.

“I didn’t tell him I left Christine,” he laid his cards on the table.

“Oh,” Michael didn’t know how to respond.

"I just,” Jeremy sat up again. “I thought that if he knew I got dumped he’d think I’d want to talk about it.”

“Is that bad?” Michael asked.

“He’s got stuff on his plate,” Jeremy shrugged. “For once. It sounds bad but I’m kinda glad he’s stressed out over normal work stuff not…”

“Your mom?” Michael offered softly.

“See that’s the annoying part,” Jeremy’s voice edged towards bitter. “I don’t even know if he misses her. He just acts like she was never here and it was always like this.”

“I’m sorry,” Michael meant this.

“But maybe if he knew I couldn’t get a girl to like me he’d think it was his fault,” Jeremy’s voice was hollow. Michael wanted to tell him that wasn’t true, that his dad wouldn’t think that, and just because it didn’t work out with Christine didn’t mean it would never work out with anyone. But he knew that wasn’t going to help.

“You’re a good son,” he uttered instead.

“Sometimes,” Jeremy mused.

“Do you want to talk more about Christine?” Michael asked, because he wanted to be the person Jeremy came to about this. He wanted Jeremy to lean on him.

“Not really,” Jeremy shook his head.

“Okay,” Michael nodded.

“Do you think—” Jeremy started but then bit back his words.

“What?” Michael looked at him.

“Do you think I actually liked her or it was just the idea of her?” Jeremy asked in a small voice.

“I don’t know,” Michael admitted. “I’m not in your head.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy allowed. “But you put up with me pining.”

“I still don’t know,” Michael said honestly. He’d had his initial assumptions, he’d sometimes clung to selfish, critical thoughts, but in the end he really couldn’t speak for whatever Jeremy was feeling. “Maybe you should wait until you know someone next time.”

“I guess,” Jeremy hummed. If the expression on his face was any indication, he seemed to take this to heart. “What about you?”

“What?” Michael blinked at him. Did Jeremy just ask—

“Are there any hot guys we should be talking about?” Jeremy clarified.

Oh. Yeah, that made more sense.

“At our school?” Michael scoffed.

Jeremy laughed.

“You can talk to me about that stuff,” he added. “You know that, right?”

“I would if there was anyone,” Michael said almost truthfully. “So, music?”

“Yeah, did you pick something?” Jeremy asked.

“I’m indecisive,” Michael reminded him.

“Yeah, I know,” Jeremy said back.

“I have a list,” he started.

“Okay?” Jeremy raised an eyebrow.

“Hear me out,” Michael tried to push down a laugh.

“They’re all memes, aren’t they?” Jeremy sighed.

“Not exactly,” Michael drew out the words.

“Michael Mell,” Jermey shook his head.

“Okay, mostly,” Michael confessed. “But you said I could pick!”

“You’re unbelievable,” Jeremy laughed.

“So are you,” Michael meant this in so many ways Jeremy had no idea of.

* * *

Connor wasn’t sure how Alana could build herself up from what had looked like a near break down, laugh with Zoe as if they’d been best friends for years, and think of five more items she wanted Connor to add to the decoration shopping list all in the span of a few hours.

Figuring that if he sprung last minute items on Evan when they went shopping, it’d probably disconnect him, Connor set him a quick text detailing what Alana had added to their list. Evan texted similar to how he talked. Static-like and with more words than necessary. After getting through three texts that the letter k could have conveyed easier, Evan asked if Alana had emailed him another list.

Connor wasn’t going to type out a summary of what he’d been exposed to the past hour.

“Hello?” Evan’s voice was higher than usual.

“This is too hard to explain over text,” Connor informed him.

“Okay, but I, um, I’m not good on the phone. Sorry.” Evan was breathing. A lot. “Never mind, keep talking.”

“You’re freaking out.” Connor commented, because stating the obvious always helped people calm down.

“No, no, I’m fine,” Evan sputtered the lie with little conviction. “What were you saying about Alana?”

“Hansen,” Connor closed his eyes. Getting annoyed at Evan was only going to put him more on edge. “Do you want me to hang up?”

“No, it’s not that!” Evan squeaked, before launching back into his mile a minute babble mode. “I just, I don’t like talking on the phone because then I can’t see your face so I can’t tell if you’re mad at me or if you want me to talk or not talk and it’s hard enough to do that in real conversations. That’s so weird, I’m sorry.”

“Why would I be mad at you?” Connor questioned.

“Not you you, just people in general,” Evan sputtered. “I don’t know, it’s just hard. I’m sorry, I’ll shut up. What did you want to tell me?”

Connor didn’t get how much this kid put what others wanted ahead of himself. It was sad. Connor could understand Evan humoring him if it was an emergency or if Connor was someone important, but this was ridiculous. The frustrating part was that he knew if he voiced that, it would only further agitate Evan.

Never had Connor been good at compromising, but that was because he was stubborn and high strung. Evan Hansen was a pushover who seemed terrified of getting pushed over. Connor couldn’t relate to that, but he did know what it felt like to see small issues as mountains. That made him hold onto his patients.

“Can I FaceTime you?” Connor tried.

“Yeah, sure,” Evan chirped. “That would be nice.”

“Great,” Connor didn’t expected to get anything more than weak enthusiasm as response. “I’ll hang up and call you.”

He ended the call before Evan could respond, quickly opening his computer and finding Evan’s contact. It rang for less than a second before Evan answered. Connor was suddenly aware of how stereotypical the snatches of the room behind them that the computer’s camera captured must look. Dim lighting, dark curtains, and a significant lack of posters and decor made up the perfect backdrop of the kid everyone thought they knew. Boring and disinterested were too similar to dangerous than Connor appreciated.

“Is this better?” He asked Evan.

“I think so,” Evan nodded.

Through the slightly fuzzy image, Connor was pretty sure he wasn’t lying to make Connor feel better. Evan didn’t exactly look relaxed, but he seemed a but calmer than he had before, and Connor would take that. At least he wasn’t frantically babbling like the night before.

“Thank you,” Evan said to him.

“If someone makes you uncomfortable you shouldn’t have to put up with it,” Connor replied. He knew that Evan wasn’t going to take that to heart, as much as he wished he would.

“By that logic I wouldn’t leave my room,” Evan said meekly.

“You’re funny,” Connor told him.

“I’m not trying to be,” Evan murmured. “Why did Alana add stuff to the list?”

“Okay,” Connor clasped his hands, stopping himself from laughing right there. "So I had the weirdest day.”

Connor told Evan about Alana and Zoe’s feud over the Christmas concert, and how Alana had called him out of the blue this afternoon. He still wasn’t entirely sure what had gone down (or apparently not gone down) at the school building and why it had inspired the sudden change of heart from his sister. Still, he explained how the two girls had gone from despising each other to bonding over Christmas cookies and teasing him.

He hadn’t really had to be in the room with them for as long as he was. If he was being entirely honest, and it felt weird to not be when talking to a kid who’d seen a lot worse than him gossiping about his sister, it’d been oddly fascinating to watch them interact. Suddenly sparks of anger where just sparks, and Connor never got to witness that.

“You think they like each other?” Evan asked.

“Kinda,” Connor shrugged. “I mean, it’s got that sappy, over the top, kind of story Zoe would want.”

Evan nodded, a pensive look crossing his face.

“Fuck,” Connor realized his error. Dear God, how fucking stupid was he? “I’m sorry, I forgot you—”

“I don’t like her anymore,” Evan blurted. “I mean, I like her, but I don’t like like her.”

“Because we’re using fourth grader terms now?” Connor tried to joke.

“Yeah,” Evan smiled at him. It wasn’t a confident smile, but it didn’t seem entirely fake.

“It’s fine if you do,” Connor wanted to put out there.

“I know,” Evan stammered. “But I don’t. Anymore, I mean. So that’s great that her and Alana might together.”

“Don’t say anything to anyone about it,” Connor quickly added. “This is just me being nosy.”

“Got it,” Evan nodded.

“They’d be cute though,” Connor mused. “In an a super annoying power couple kind of way.”

“Yeah,” Evan murmured in a agreement. “I, um, I didn’t know either of them weren’t, um, you know…”

“Straight?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled.

“I don’t know for sure on Alana,” Connor chose to ignore how increasingly awkward Evan’s expression was becoming. “But I’m usually pretty good at telling.”

“I wish I was,” Evan uttered.

“Why?” Connor asked, partly because he knew that Evan expected to be able to stammer something like that and not be questioned.

“So like,” Evan’s eyes went to his hands. "In the future if I ever want to ask I guy out I’d at least know if it’s possible or not. I mean, I probably won’t be able to since I’m me, but—”

“What does that mean?” Connor asked.

“What does what mean?” Evan asked back.

“You won’t because you’re you,” Connor repeated.

“Oh, um,” Evan let out a huffed laugh. “Just that I’m not super assertive so I’d probably just be too scared.”

“That’s too bad,” Connor meant this.

“I guess,” Evan shrugged.

“You’re bi,” Connor stated.

“Yeah,” Evan gave a small nod.

“No,” Connor smirked. “I wasn’t asking.”

“Oh, um, okay,” Evan sputtered. “Are you—is it weird if I ask what your sexuality is?”

“Considering I just outed you, no,” Connor remarked.

“Oh, okay,” Evan looked more relieved than humored.

“I’m gay,” Connor said.

“Right,” Evan nodded.

“If that wasn’t obvious,” Connor added dryly.

“I didn’t think it was,” Evan said sheepishly.

“Sure,” Connor scoffed.

Evan seemed to have a comment to that, but push it aside to quickly blurt: “That’s nice that you’re confident about it.”

“Hansen, there are so many things wrong with me if anyone’s repulsed by my sexuality they’re a joke.” Connor didn’t usually make light of that.

“There are things wrong with me but I’m still not open about being bi,” Evan voiced.

“That’s not a bad thing.” Connor wasn’t saying this because he was trying to make Evan feel better. Doing so would probably seem insulting given what he accidentally knew about Evan through that letter. Then again, Connor wasn’t sure Evan was capable of outwardly portraying offense.

“It feels like one sometimes,” Evan didn’t automatically agree with him. Connor liked that. It made him feel like he was talking to the real Evan and not the Evan who just wanted to please whoever he was talking to.

“Zoe doesn’t go around telling people,” Connor fell the need to say. “But that doesn’t mean she or anyone she’s close to has a problem with it.”

“I’m not like Zoe,” Evan said meekly.

“I know.” Connor didn’t say that Evan was like him, because even if he wanted to believe that roping this nice kid to him felt wrong. Evan was better than him. Connor wasn’t sure that he realized that. “Do your parents know?”

“That I’m bi?” Evan asked.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“I told my mom a year ago,” Evan smiled slightly. “She saw it coming, which I guess is a good thing.”

“What about your dad?” Connor asked.

Evan’s face fell. For a second, Connor was certain he could see him wanting to lie—he could see him want to brush off the question with something easy and fake.

“He left when I was seven,” Evan stated. “So we don’t exactly talk.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor meant this. He was sorry that Evan had to go through that and sorry he pushed the conversation.

“It’s not your fault,” Evan said numbly.

“So,” Connor cleared his throat. He didn’t like seeing that empty look in Evan’s eyes. It reminded him too much of what he saw every time he let himself look at a mirror. “Do you think about asking imaginary guys out a lot?”

“No, I mean—I don’t…What?” Evan blinked at him.

Connor couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“Shut up,” Evan muttered.

“For what it’s worth,” Connor started. “I’m sure you’d have a chance with them.”

“Funny,” Evan rolled his eyes. “What about you?”

“No, I don’t think about asking guys out,” Connor answered.

“Oh.”

“I think about other stuff,” Connor started. “Dear god, is that enough to make you blush?”

“I’m not blushing!” Evan chirped.

“You are,” Connor crossed her arms.

“Ugh, you’re worse than Jared!” Evan declared.

“I’m offended,” Connor feigned a hurt tone.

“Good,” Evan was grinning now. “It’s not that I think about asking people out, I just think about how it would be nice to know I could.”

“Is it that hard?” Connor asked.

“I wouldn’t know,” Evan said a little sadly. “I mean, I didn’t think I could yell at someone who wasn’t Jared or my mom until today. Not that I’ve yelled at either of them, but, like I’m comfortable with them, and—”

“You yelled at someone?” Connor stoped him.

“Oh,” Evan’s eyes widened. “Yeah, it, um wasn’t a big deal.”

“Bullshit,” Connor scoffed.

“No, seriously,” Evan hunched a little into himself. “It was nothing.”

“That’s not fair,” Connor told him. “You brought it up, you gotta spill. Come on.”

“Just, promise you’ll tell me if you’re mad so I don’t have to try to tell and freak out and make you more mad,” Evan babbled quickly.

“Why would I be mad?” Connor felt his curiosity morph into dread. “What happened?”

“Just promise,” Evan was very close upset.

“Okay, okay, sure,” Connor said quickly. “I promise. Now fucking tell me.”

“So, I was at the mall with Jared, and we, um,” Evan winced. “We ran into Rich Goranski and Jake Dillinger.”

“Oh.”

“Jared and Rich are kinda friends I think—I don’t know—but they were talking so I was just standing there with Jake,” Evan’s eyes were on his cast. “I didn’t start talking about you. I didn’t want to because that’s not okay and I know it would piss you off and—”

“Yeah, I get it,” Connor spoke up.

“But he um said something and I got mad and said something back and then Jared dragged me out of the store and—”

“Wait,” Connor stopped him.

“Sorry,” Evan seemed to stammer automatically.

“What did he say?” Connor asked.

“It’s not—” Evan tried.

“It is,” Connor’s voice was harsher than he meant it to be.

“That he was sorry I had to put up with you,” Evan mumbled quickly.

“And?” Connor wasn’t stupid enough to think it was just that.

“And he called you a freak,” Evan reluctantly voiced. “So then I shouted that you’re not and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Connor didn’t understand. If anyone else had said this to him he would have thought it was a sick joke, because people didn’t stand up for him. He didn’t deserve people standing up for him no matter what the situation was. If he hadn’t read Evan’s letter, if he hadn’t been stuck with him for most the the morning before, he might not have believed any of this. Evan wasn’t the sort of person who rushed into conflict. Connor wasn’t sure he could picture Evan sticking up for himself, much less the future school shooter.

There were a lot of things he wanted to say but a far too shaky for him to he proud of “why?” came out first.

For a second Evan just looked at him, like he didn’t get why Connor would even question him.

“Because it’s true,” he stated as if it was obvious.

“Evan,” Connor took a breath. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“I know.” Evan’s eyes were wide and open and far too trusting than they should have been to him.

“You don’t have to,” Connor told him.

“I kinda do,” Evan replied, his voice stronger than Connor had heard from him before.

“Did he say anything else?” Connor asked.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “But then Jared got me to leave.”

“Good on Kleinman,” Connor muttered.

“Yeah, he was mildly mortified,” Evan let out a nervous chuckle.

“I can imagine,” Connor hummed. “Thanks.”

“It’s really nothing,” Evan tried.

“Standing up for the freak isn’t nothing,” Connor said firmly.

“Don’t call yourself that,” Evan said back.

“Okay.” If it was anyone else, if the situation was any different, Connor would have argued. He would have put himself down because sometimes that was easier then pretending he was okay. But, in this moment, Evan seemed to fully believe in him, and Connor wasn’t going to ruin that. Not right now.

“Connor, um,” Evan’s voice was tentative again. “You don’t have to answer this, but…"

“Yeah?” Connor asked softly.

“Why were you guys fighting that day in the first place?” Evan asked. “Not that it’s my business or anything—”

“Goranski called me a freak and I yelled at him.” Connor hadn’t told anyone the full story. He’d kept his mouth shut in the dean’s office, Zoe hadn’t wanted to know, and he’d barely been able to tell his parents a few details without feeling like he was going to close in on himself. But Evan had stood up for him. He deserved to know who he’d chosen to stand by. “A lot. Way more than I meant to.”

“Oh.”

He watched Evan take this in. He wondered how else Evan had imagined it going. He’d told him he didn’t start it, because really he hadn’t but maybe that didn’t mean he didn’t deserve it.

“It’s like,” Connor hated how weak his voice sounded. “Something snapped and I was just so angry that…”

“You couldn’t control it?” Evan offered softly.

“I try to,” Connor needed to say. “People don’t get how much I try to.”

“I believe you,” Evan told him.

“So I was yelling at him,” Connor continued. “And then Dillinger hit me, and because I’m an idiot I hit him back.”

“Oh, okay.”

“I wasn’t gonna hurt him,” Connor knew how fucking pathetic that sounded. “I just—”

“You were sick of people only seeing you at your worst,” Evan stated.

“I was trying so fucking hard that day,” Connor uttered. “I’ve been trying hard for months, but no one fucking cares about that, no one fucking acknowledges that trying is so much harder than letting go.”

None of that was supposed to leave his mouth. Evan seemed to hear him before Connor had even realized he’d let himself voice any of it. If it was anyone else, Connor might have thought that maybe they wouldn’t see that those words really meant. From the way Evan was staring at him through the crappy computer screen, Connor could tell he knew exactly what he meant.

“Connor—”

“Forget you heard that,” Connor said quickly.

This was a mistake. This had all been a foolish mistake. Evan didn’t seen to see this. The one person who might actually give him a chance didn’t need to know how not worth any of it he was. Connor was am idiot, and any second now Evan was going to hang up and wish he’d never—

“You read my letter,” Evan gently silenced Connor’s thoughts.

“Yeah,” he hoarsely murmured. “I did.”

“You, um, you missed a week after the first day of school.” Evan was connecting the dots. Connor couldn’t stop him. He wasn’t sure he wanted to.

“You noticed?” He asked in too small of a voice.

“I thought you were gonna kill me the second day.” It took a moment for Evan to realize what that sounded like. “Because of the letter! Not because I think—”

“Yeah,” Connor cut him off. “I get it.”

“We don’t have to talk about this,” Evan told him.

“Look,” Connor closed his eyes. “It’s not that I don’t trust you.”

“You don’t have to.” Evan blurted, because someone as sweet as Evan Hansen was always going to think it was his fault, even when he was reaching out to someone as warped as Connor.

“Hansen,” Connor stated. “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.”

“I lied to you,” Evan stated.

“What?” Connor blinked at him.

“When I said I fell out of a tree.” Evan didn’t say any more. He didn’t have to.

“Oh,” Connor thought back to the words in that letter, he remembered every time he’d seen Evan standing alone in a sea of people. “Shit.”

“So, maybe I could say you also don’t know what you’re getting yourself into,” Evan smiled weakly.

“At least you manage to not get into fights in the hallway over one fucking word,” Connor exhaled.

“I—”

“I’m a time bomb, everyone knows that,” Connor needed Evan to hear him say that. "You still on my side?”

“Connor,” Evan looked pained.

“That was supposed to be a joke,” Connor said numbly.

“I don’t care,” Evan told him. “I am.”

“You’re really weird,” was all the Connor could say.

“I know,” Evan smiled at him.

“I should probably go to sleep soon.” It took until now for Connor to realize how completely exhausted he felt.

“Right,” Evan nodded.

“Hey, Hansen,” Connor started.

“Yeah?”

“If anyone bothers you because of what you said, tell me, okay?” Connor knew it sounded more like an order than a request, but he needed Evan to agree to this. He didn’t want to worry about this kid getting hurt because of him.

“I don’t think they cared that much,” Evan tried to brush off.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Connor wouldn’t argue on that. “But, if they did, and someone gives you shit, you promise you’ll let me know?”

“Why?” Evan asked.

“Because you defended me,” Connor couldn’t tell Evan what that meant. “I’ll defend you.”

“You don’t have to,” Evan said.

“I do.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded. “I promise.”

“Good,” Connor smiled at him.

“Goodnight, Connor,” Evan said warmly.

“Night, Hansen.”

He let Evan end the call, closing his computer and throwing himself on his bed seconds after.

It was the warm feeling that refused to leave his chest that made Connor certain he was screwed. If things were different—if he’d actually become Evan’s friend after signing his cast and they’d slowly discovered each other’s flaws and strengths, maybe he’d have had a shot. Maybe if he’d had the foresight and stupidity to make a move back in the computer lab before he’d seen Evan’s letter and before Evan saw him get himself into a fight, they could have actually been good for each other.

But now Connor knew things about Evan that he was certain Evan didn’t show just anyone. Evan might not have told anyone at all what he’d spilt to Connor moments ago. Coming onto the one person who might be as sick as him was wrong. Connor wasn’t fucked up enough not to realize that.

Evan didn’t need Connor’s feelings added to his baggage.


	6. Chapter 6

“So, I think it’s safe to say we make a good team,” Zoe declared at the end of their rehearsal.

“They still hate me,” Alana could recognize that well enough throughout the afternoon.

“They’ll get over it,” Zoe shrugged. “You need help cleaning up?”

The rest of the band had left without putting their chairs back in the stack. Alana didn’t mind picking up after them, at least everyone had shown up. She still wasn’t sure how Zoe had managed that. The rehearsal hadn’t been as long as Alana anticipated. Zoe did most of the talking, which she’d assured Alana would be for the best. Alana trusted her.

It was weird to put the reigns in someone else’s hands, but she had a feeling she could get used to it if it was Zoe.

“Oh, no, it’s fine,” Alana quickly told her. “I can take care of it.”

“No, I’ll help,” Zoe decided. “I don’t have anywhere to be for a while.”

It got done faster with her. Zoe still seemed to have the pleasant energy of baking Christmas cookies and not fighting swirling around her. Alana wasn’t quite sure if this was their new normal. Did one day of being a part of Zoe’s world mean she was automatically welcome?

When they were done, she didn’t want to go. She wanted to keep talking and laughing with the girl she’d been arguing with a few days ago. That didn’t feel as odd as it should.

“I never told you,” Alana started. “But I really liked your solo in the jazz band concert last May.”

“You went to that?” Zoe looked surprised.

“Of course,” Alana said. “I love supporting art in the community.”

“Right,” Zoe looked like she was trying not to laugh. Alana didn’t know if she’d said something wrong. “Well, thanks.”

“They should feature you more,” Alana voiced.

“Maybe next year,” Zoe shrugged. “Seniors usually get more spotlight.”

“That’s not completely fair,” Alana commented.

“I know,” Zoe smiled at her.

That smile threatened to pull Alana in. Instead, it pushed her brain into overdrive, throwing her away from sentiment and towards the only idea she could latch onto.

“You should do a solo for the holiday concert,” she blurted.

“We set the line up literally an hour ago,” Zoe laughed. “If you change it they’re gonna revolt.”

“No, I mean by yourself,” Alana clarified. “I could fit you into the individual act line up.”

“I don’t think so,” Zoe’s forehead creased.

“Why not?” Alana asked openly.

“I just,” she pursed her lips. “I don’t think I know anything I can play alone.”

“That’s a lie,” Alana could tell.

“If I said I get stage fright,” Zoe started.

“I wouldn’t believe you,” Alana finished.

“Being alone on stage is different than playing with a whole group,” Zoe informed her.

“Yeah, but, you’re amazing,” Alana argued. “Isn’t that worth being a bit nervous?”

“I don’t really want to,” Zoe told her.

“Okay, fine,” Alana wasn’t good at dropping things. “But—”

“There’s always a but with you,” Zoe shook her head.

Alana fished out a sheet music book someone had left backstage after the auditions. She’d meant to find it’s owner. After flipping through some of the holiday songs, that is.

“Play this, right now,” she handed the book to Zoe. “And if you still don’t want to I’ll leave you alone.”

“Promise?” Zoe raised an eyebrow.

“On my life,” Alana declared.

“You’re kinda dramatic,” Zoe let her know. She place the book on the ground in front of her, before kneeling to unpack her guitar.

“I get that sometimes,” Alana sat down across from her.

“This one?” Zoe seemed to only take notice of the song choice now.

“Yeah,” Alana nodded.

“It’s over played,” Zoe informed her.

“Just trust me,” Alana pressed.

“Okay, fine,” Zoe tucked her hair behind her ears before starting to strum.

She was right about Hallelujah being an overplayed song. Alana was fairly certain that every other artist out there covered it, and she still wasn’t really sure what it had to do with the holiday. Still, she liked the melody, and she had a feeling Zoe did too.

She hadn’t meant for Zoe to sing the song as well as playing it. Alana didn’t know that Zoe could sing, and judging from how softly she started out, she was pretty sure Zoe didn’t realize how good she was either. At first it wasn’t louder than a humming along with the chords, but slowly Zoe got louder, and more confident. By the bridge she wasn’t holding back. It sounded like she was pouring her heart into the lyrics, and dear God it was beautiful.

Zoe’s voice had the same strength that Alana could see when she looked at her. It fit. It fit really well.

“So, um,” Zoe closed the sheet music book.

“That was amazing,” Alana could hear the conviction on her own voice.

“Thanks,” Zoe looked a little bit embarrassed.

“I mean it,” Alana told her. “You’re really talented.”

“You’re sweet,” Zoe stated.

“That was beautiful,” Alana uttered.

Zoe met her eyes then. Alana hadn’t realized how close they were sitting. Zoe’s lipstick was pink. Alana had noticed this before, but she hadn’t realized how soft Zoe’s lips looked. Alana wanted to lean in. She wanted to kiss her, and part of her was pretty sure that Zoe did too.

“I should go,” Alana stood up.

“What?” Zoe was staring at her.

“I have,” Alana couldn’t catch her breath. That was bad. “I need to finalize some things. I have to leave right now.”

“Wait a second,” Zoe wasn’t moving.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Alana didn’t look at her. She wasn’t sure she could stop if she did. “Just text me if you want me to squeeze you into the line up. I think you should do it.”

“Is everything okay?”

Not really.

“Yeah,” Alana nodded before exiting the auditorium.

* * *

Heidi had a thirty minute window to get groceries, take them home, and get back to work before her next shift. The one nice thing about the holidays was how easy it was to stock up on overtime hours. It meant that she was stressed, but she was going to be stressed this time of year anyway.

Her eyes were on her phone, scanning her shopping list as she walked through the grocery store isle. In hindsight, that wasn’t her best idea. She hadn’t realized someone was in front of her until too late.

“I am so sorry—” she started. “Oh, hi.”

The person she’d quite literally ran into was the same man who’d helped her and Evan keep their reservation a few days ago. She was fairly certain he’d said his name was Joe. Joe Heere. Why had she remembered that?

“Hey,” Joe smiled at her, stooping to pick up the items that had fallen from his hands. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“You too,” she bent down as well. “Here, I can help with that.”

“No you don’t have to, really it was my fault,” he said quickly. “How did your dinner go the other night, by the way?”

“Great,” Heidi passed him a bottle of shampoo that had rolled into the middle of the isle. “Thanks to you.”

“Ah, the policies are way to strict there,” he waved his hand dismissively. “I think they just like to give people a hard time.”

They both stood. Heidi watched him dump the items in a nearly overflowing shopping cart.

“That’s a lot of cereal,” she commented.

“It’s on sale, we stock up,” he let out a nervous chuckle. “There’s no way to make it not sound sad.”

“I’m not judging,” she assured him. “You gotta make things work sometimes.”

“Yeah, especially when you have the glamorous job of standing behind a counter and telling people whether or not they’re allowed to keep their reservation,” he joked.

That was when his phone started loudly buzzing. Instead of answering, he narrowed his eyes before shoving it back into his pocket. Heidi knew that kind of look.

“Everything okay?” She asked. She didn’t want to pry, she didn’t know this man, but it felt wrong to not at least ask.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “It’s just, my exwife—she sometimes decides that she still wants to be a part of my kids life then backs out the last minute. Which is way too much information, I am so sorry.”

“My ex husband’s done that five times,” Heidi stated. It felt easier than telling him she knew exactly how he felt and had never really felt uncomfortable with people who over-shared. Calrisa Kleinman was a chronic over-sharer, but Heidi had managed to maintain that friendship longer than her marriage.

“Dear god,” Joe Heere murmured.

“It’s always ‘he’s my son too, I should get to do this or that’ but never any follow through,” Heidi added.

“He sounds like a dirt bag,” Joe commented.

“I was gonna go with asshole,” she laughed. "But yeah that works.”

“How old’s your kid?” He asked.

“He’s actually a senior in high school,” she told him.

“So is mine,” he all but exclaimed. “Maybe they know each other.”

“It’s a small town,” she voiced.

“Tell me about it,” he hummed. “Is yours applying to colleges already?”

“It happens so fast,” she remarked.

“I know,” he sighed.

“God, I’m so exhausted,” she wasn’t sure why she was admitting this. “I just can’t wait for the holiday to be over, then maybe I can feel a little bit less shitty about not being there for most of it.”

“Well,” he started. “You know you’re sad, when your seventeen-year-old seems more happy you have a job than you are.”

“That’s tough,” she said sympathetically.

“The past two years have been tough,” he shrugged.

“Is that,” she wasn’t sure how to phrase the question.

“When my wife left?” he finished for her. “Yeah.”

“My husband left ten years ago,” she voiced.

“Wow,” he gave her a sad smile. “Definitely a dirt bag, then.”

“I’m sure your ex is just as terrible,” she stated.

“We can tie on that,” he agreed.

“Sometimes I think I miss him,” the words fell from her mouth before she could stop them. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe she just wasn’t used to someone who might know what she’d gone through—what she was still going through—standing in front of her. “What does that say about me?”

“That you’re human,” he said softly.

“Are single parents allowed to be just human?” She asked.

“No,” he said bitterly. “That’s the problem.”

“Do you ever have those moments,” she started before she thought better of it. “Where your son won’t talk to you and you don’t know it it’s because he’s trying to protect your or just doesn’t know how to be open with you and either way it means you did something wrong because he shouldn’t think either of those things?”

“Yeah. A lot,” he nodded. “I mean, it’s usually not even big things. Like, I think something happened with this girl he was seeing but I know if I ask he’s just going to evade.”

“It’s like you stopped knowing how to communicate with him,” she hummed.

“Exactly!” his eyes were full of something that bored on excitement. Heidi realized that hers probably were too. This was weird. Talking to someone so casually about this was weird. If she’d said anything she just had to anyone else, they probably would have looked at her like someone wounded or have frozen under the awkward pressure just expressing her everyday life entailed.

“I should get going,” she realized.

“Yeah,” he glanced at his watch. “Me too.”

“Thanks for listening,” she needed to say.

“You too,” he smiled a warm smile at her.

It made her feel nicer than she expected it to.

* * *

Evan wasn’t sure what brought him to the realization. Maybe it was remembering everything they’d somehow been able to say the night before. Maybe it was how listening to someone insult Connor had made him angrier than being insulted himself. Maybe it was just the look of amused contempt on Connor’s face as they poured over aisle after aisle of over priced Christmas decoration. Evan didn’t know what exactly about Connor or the moment pushed him to this, but right then he knew that Jared had been right when he accused him of having a crush.

Evan liked Connor. He liked him a lot more than he’d liked Zoe, and he knew he had a lot more of a chance than he ever had before. Connor could see him, and fore some reason he acted like he wanted to. When Connor looked at him, Evan didn’t want him to stop. He wanted the tedious moment around them to last forever.

He couldn’t remember ever wanting time to stretch out before. He’d always preferred to rush through life as fast and painless as possible. Being with Connor was different. He liked it.

“I hate this holiday,” Connor complained as he dropped a plastic Christmas reef into their shopping cart.

“Really?” Evan asked.

“My family gets weirdly into it,” Connor explained. “It sucks.”

“Presents and cookies suck?” Evan was almost past the point of fearing he’d offend Connor with every other question. Pushing himself over that threshold was harder than it should be, but Connor seemed to like it when he didn’t have to stop to overthink each sentence he let fall from his lips.

“When they’re associated with shit like this, yes,” Connor said dryly.

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” Evan decided.

“What? You don’t hate it too?” Connor gave him a skeptically look.

“You can’t really hate something you don’t celebrate,” Evan shrugged.

“Fuck.”

“I’m sorry?” Evan didn’t know what to say.

“You’re Jewish, yeah?” Connor asked.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“Sorry,” Connor pursed his lips.

“Don’t be,” Evan said back. “I don’t think we talked about it.”

Connor smiled at him before glancing back at the shopping list in his hands. That was good. Knowing Connor, he might have been able to see exactly how hard that smile hit.

“This is probably enough glitter to dump on the stage,” Connor declared before knocking several boxes into their cart.

“You think it’ll make it hard for the musicians to walk?” Evan asked thoughtfully. “Since that’s kinda a lot.”

An evil grin spread across Connor’s face.

“I’m guessing that’s the idea,” Evan realized.

“You’re catching on, Hansen,” Connor’s devious expression faulted. “You okay?”

“What?” Evan felt his insides jump. “Yeah, of course. Why?”

“Well, _that_ for one,” Connor stated. “You seem kinda off.”

Evan wasn’t going to tell Connor he liked him in the middle of a craft store when Connor was looking at him with wide, concerned eyes. Aside from being completely terrifying, he didn’t want this to be how he started things. He could meticulously plan and fret over that later, but it wasn’t going to be by him blurting his feelings in a jumbled mess.

“I got in a fight with Jared.” Evan confided, because, yes, that had sort of been on his mind too.

After walking home that day he’d managed to convince himself that it would blow over and him and Jared would be back to their normal routine without discussing exactly how Evan had messed everything up. Jared didn’t like to talk about that stuff. Evan expected Jared to text him about something stupid as if the fight had never happened by that morning. He hadn’t.

“Oh,” Connor took a second to take this in.

“After the thing I told you about,” Evan hoped he wasn’t going to have to elaborate on that again.

“Right,” Connor nodded.

“I thought we’d be over it by now,” Evan confessed. It wasn’t great reasoning now that he said it out loud.

“Are you guys,” Connor paused. “You know…?”

“Not at all,” Evan chirped quickly, fully aware of how red his face was getting. “He’s like my best friend. Accept not, since he’s not really my friend.”

“Yeah, that sounds complicated and drama filled,” Connor’s voice edged near sympathetic.

“Not really,” Evan stated. “He just doesn’t like to be around me. Which, you know, makes sense since I’m me and he has other friends.”

“Does he?” Connor asked.

“Well, not in school, but yeah he does.” Evan stammered. “I think.”

A thoughtful look crossed Connor’s face before he sadly shook his head.

“He’s an ass, and you’re great,” he told Evan. “Stop worrying about him and help me figure out why she wants five bags of cotton.”

“Fake snow,” Evan answered.

“That’s dumb,” Connor commented.

“I didn’t say it wasn’t,” Evan laughed.

“I’m gonna staple it to the audience chairs,” Connor decided.

“Please don’t,” Evan groaned.

“You’re no fun,” he teased.

Ten minutes later their shopping cart was full and Connor triumphantly crumbled the long list.

“And that is every fucking thing Alana could possibly throw at us,” he declared.

“I’m so tired,” Evan admitted. “How are you alive right now?”

“I died inside a long time ago,” Connor looked him dead in the eye as he spoke.

“Right,” Evan laughed. He followed Connor to the front of the store to buy their items. “Hey, Connor, do you think you could maybe…”

“Yeah?” Connor asked. Evan glanced at the register, then back at Connor.

“Handle the talking?” he uttered.

“Oh,” Connor seemed to understand. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Thank you,” Evan meant this.

“It’s not a big deal, Hansen,” Connor shrugged.

“You can call me by my first name you know,” Evan wasn’t sure why he pushed the words out.

“Eh, I like to make you sound formal and fancy,” Connor winked at him. Evan tried very hard to keep his footing.

“Because it’s such a big contrast from real life?” He asked meekly.

“Funny,” Connor nudged his arm with a smirk.

When they were walking out of the store with large shopping bags in their hands, Evan expected Connor to tell him he’d take the stuff and say goodbye until the concert. He didn’t mention that without Jared he wasn’t sure how he was getting home. He’d never been a fan of taking the bus, but he’d promised himself he wouldn’t bother his mother today. She was filling in for yet another shift that wasn’t hers and Evan knew she didn’t have time for him today.

“You wanna get lunch?” Connor broke through his thoughts.

“I don’t have any money,” Evan stammered.

“I didn’t ask if you did,” Connor stated.

“Connor—”

“Consider it my thank you for putting up with me,” he decided.

“You don’t have to thank me for that,” Evan murmured.

“Yeah,” Connor shrugged. “Well, I’m hungry and wouldn’t mind dragging you along if you’re cool with that.”

“I am.” Evan didn’t say out loud that he’d go anywhere Connor lead if Connor wanted him to.

“Good,” he smiled again. “Let’s throw this shit in my car first.”

They found a fast food place not too far from the store they’d spent more than just Alana’s budget at. Evan copied Connor’s order, not having enough time to look at the menu or summon the ability to say more than “the same.” The sat with their trays in the nearly empty dining area. Connor was leaning back in his booth. He looked relaxed. Evan realized he hadn’t seen that from him before.

“So,” Evan felt the need to fill the silent settling around then. “We should probably show up early to set everything up since Alana wants us to do that part and—”

“Yeah,” Connor cut him off. “Alana will tell us when she wants us to be there.”

“I know,” Evan expected at least two emails from her by the end of the day. “But I just—”

“Just didn’t know what else to talk to me about?” Connor asked numbly.

“That’s not true,” Evan told him flatly.

“Ignore me,” Connor pressed a tight smile to his lips. “I’ve been in a weird mood.”

“Is that why you have so much energy?” Evan couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“It’s not good energy,” Connor sighed.

“I didn’t say it was,” Evan needed him to understand.

“I know,” there was a warmth in Connor’s eyes Evan wasn’t entirely sure he was worthy of.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” he said.

“I just don’t like all this holiday stuff,” Connor groaned. “I mean, that’s not even half of it, but it’s the easiest way to—”

“I think I understand,” Evan didn’t need him to say things he didn’t want to put to words.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. “You would.”

And that was nice. Evan didn’t usually understand other people, and he knew that most didn’t understand him. Him and Connor were on the same page. They’d only been talking for a few days, and it was that easy for them to read each other. That had to mean something.

“What?” Connor’s voice cut through his musings.

“Huh?” Evan blinked at him.

“You’re staring,” Connor smirked. “Do I have something on my face?”

“No!” Evan nearly jumped. “I just, you were talking so I was looking at you, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Connor told him.

“Any progress on the Zoe and Alana thing?” Evan tried to change the subject.

“Not yet,” Connor said. “But they had to be in the same room today, so I’m figuring its only a matter of time.”

“This is nice,” Evan voiced.

“What do you mean?” Connor asked.

“Hanging out not because we have to for school or family stuff, I don’t know,” Evan pulled his gaze to the table in between them. “When people spend time with me, it’s usually ‘cause of obligations.”

“That’s really fucking sad,” Connor told him.

“I’m aware,” Evan muttered.

“I don’t have friends either,” Connor added.

“I’m also aware,” Evan said back.

“Where was this snark when we first met?” Connor laughed.

“Hiding,” Evan said honestly.

“I think it’s nice too,” Connor leaned his head on his arm, eyes on Evan.

In the back of his mind, Evan remembered how close they came to this being normal. Maybe if things on the first day of school had gone a little differently, the two of them could have actually became friends. Maybe right now instead of realizing how alike they were, they’d be telling jokes that only they understood, and laughing about things only they found funny. Maybe that was how things were supposed to have gone.

“Do you think this is what it could have been like if we actually talked after you signed my cast?” Evan asked out loud. “Like, if you hadn’t seen my letter, and I’d been better at trying to talk to you.”

“No.” Connor’s voice was flat.

“Oh,” Evan felt something inside him deflate, but tried hard not to let it show. “I—”

“Not because of you,” Connor continued before Evan could mumble an apology. “I fuck up everything I touch. If we talked then, we wouldn’t have made it ’til now.”

“I don’t believe that,” Evan’s voice was firmer than he expected it to be.

“You don’t exactly know me, Hansen.” Connor looked sad for a second.

“I’d like to,” Evan murmured. He leaned forward, placing his hand on top of Connor’s. “Really.”

“You’re not—” Connor looked up at him now. “Are you coming onto me?”

Evan froze. That seemed to be all the answer Connor needed, as a slow betrayal settled into his eyes. Evan’s thoughts flickered back to everything they’d said to each other the night before, every painful personal detail Connor had confided in him. Connor was like Evan. He didn’t just trust people easily. This was a mistake.

“I,” Evan didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t meant it to seem like that. “I just thought—”

“Oh my God,” Connor pulled his hand away, anger slowly filling his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Evan stammered before stumbling out of his seat and running.

* * *

“Michael, We have less than a day,” Jeremy said through poorly repressed laughter.

There last chance as song rehearsal was going about as well as Michael has expected it to be. This meant that they still had no idea what they were doing, but Jeremy looked happier than Michael had seen him in a while so he wasn’t going to complain. Embarrassing himself on stage was worth it if he could get Jeremy to forget his problems for a bit.

“I know, I know,” Michael groaned.

“Just decide on a song,” Jeremy instructed. “I don’t care what you choose.”

“But, it’s gotta be good,” Michael decided mainly just to get Jeremy to roll his eyes again.

“As long as you sing it, it’s gonna be good,” Jeremy sounded a little too serious about that. Michael wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react.

“Aw,” he settled for teasing.

“Stop it,” Jeremy let out a very fake and over dramatic sigh.

“I don’t wanna, Michael huffed, fully aware of how ridiculous he probably looked in that moment. That was fine. Jeremy had seen worse from him.

“We’re gonna know the lyrics to pretty much anything,” Jeremy’s eyes were on the list of songs they’d somehow been able to generate through the past hour of getting terribly off topic.

“Yeah, that’s a great thing about this season,” Michael mused. “Well, that an what Tumblr does to them.”

“I’ve seen the screenshots you sent,” Jeremy tried very hard not to look amused. It didn’t work.

“I’ll sing anything you choose,” Michael forced himself to be somewhat serious for a moment. “It’s more your thing than mine.”

“Okay, hold on lemme look,” Jeremy’s eyes narrowed at the computer screen in front of him. “You wanna come over tonight?”

They were currently in Michael’s basement. Days like to day usually had to be cut short since Michael’s parents never liked it when he had friends spend the night. Well, friend not friends, since it really had only ever just been Jeremy that made it this far into Michael’s private life.

“Isn’t it still part of the holiday?” Michael asked.

“No, but my dad thinks you’re pretty much family anyway,” Jeremy shrugged.

“Oh,” Michael wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean.

“What?” Jeremy was looking at him.

“So does that make me your brother or your cousin who steals your food all the time?” He asked.

“I,” Jeremy blinked. “What?”

“It’s a fair question,” Michael said with a straight face.

It took a second for the baffled expression to morph into a grin.

“You’re so weird, you know that?” Jermey informed him.

“Oh yeah,” Michael hummed. “Did you say anything about Christine to your dad yet?”

“No,” Jeremy shook his head. “Why?”

“You’re asking me to sit through the awkward,” Michael pointed out. “I’d kinda like the heads up.”

“It’s not that awkward,” Jeremy winced. “He’s in a good mood today.”

“That’s nice,” Michael said even though he wasn’t sure what Jeremy’s dad in a good mood looked like. He was pretty sure he’d only ever witnessed him trying to seem happy or failing at hiding sad. Whenever Jeremy was hard to eat with, Michael usually reminded himself that he knew it took a lot for his friend not to be the mirror of that.

“I am too,” Jeremy added in a smaller voice.

“Right,” Michael said a little skeptically because even he knew this was fast for Jeremy to be done building himself back up.

“I actually don’t think I thought about her today until you brought her up,” Jermey stated.

“Oh, sorry.” Michael hadn’t meant to push the topic.

“No, don’t be,” Jeremy said quickly. “It’s good. I think I’m gonna call her in a few days. Just so I’m sure we’re still friends and all.”

That was a bigger step than Michael expected. For a second he wasn’t sure if he should be encouraging Jeremy or telling him it was okay to continue to keep his distance. His mind replayed the day she broke up with him and Michael had rushed to Jeremy’s side. Even then, it hadn’t really been about her. He did know that having another friend wasn’t going to hurt Jeremy. While Michael had made his piece with his social standing long ago, he knew that it still bothered Jermey how alone the two of them were in their big school.

“I miss talking to someone about Doctor Who,” he commented.

“You guys are nerds,” Jeremy informed him.

“You’re a dork,” Michael said back.

“Whatever,” Jermey laughed. His eyes flickered back to his computer. “Hey, how about this one?”

They spent the next half an hour illegally downloading different karaoke tracks of the song Jeremy decided on and attempting to practice. Michael wasn’t entirely sure at what point they shifted from joking around to actually having fun singing. While he had always loved music (just maybe not this genre in particular) seeing Jeremy stop laughing at himself and actually look like he was putting his heart into his voice was strangely mesmerizing.

It reminded Michael or all the times he’d watched him on stage. This was the lead of the story Michael’s life had spiraled into. This was the person he’d always see in spotlights.

“Okay, we sound good,” Jeremy declared in a slightly fatigued tone. “Or you sound good and I sound less like a dying cow.”

“Jeremy—”

“Let’s take a break,” Jermey suggested. “I don’t think anyones gonna come to the concert anyways.”

“You want me to ask Christine if she’s gonna be there?” Michael wondered. “Since you said you’re gonna wait a bit before reaching out.”

“You don’t have to,” he shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“Really?”

“I mean,” Jeremy took on a thoughtful expression. “This started as trying to get her to be around me more, but, I don’t know, this is fun being our thing.”

“Yeah,” Michael murmured in agreement. He didn’t notice the warmth that speed in his chest at that.

“We should do more stuff like this,” Jermey decided.

“Singing stuff?” Michael asked.

“Maybe,” Jeremy hummed. "It’s different. We should be spontaneous. Live and little, you know?”

“Okay,” Michael nodded. If Jeremy dragged him out on a limb he wasn’t going to be the one to complain. “Yeah.”

“We hung out less when I was dating her.” It was almost remarkable how quickly Jeremy’s bright smile could melt into a dark, self critical expression.

“You were busy,” Michael brushed off. There might have been a time where he would have wanted an apology, but right now it wasn’t worth Jeremy upsetting himself.

“I was a dick,” Jeremy muttered.

“No,” Michael wasn’t doing this right now. “You were a good boyfriend.”

“I was a terrible boyfriend,” Jeremy scoffed. “And not a great friend either. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Michael meant this.

“When she dumped me you literally dropped everything to make sure I was okay,” Jeremy’s voice was numb.

“You’d do the same for me,” Michael knew this.

“I really would,” Jeremy’s eyes met his.

“I believe you,” Michael said. “I don’t think you were a terrible boyfriend. You did all the cute cliche things.”

“Carrying her books and annoying her to text me isn’t exactly all a relationship is,” Jeremy told him.

“I know.”

“If that’s all I got right, no wonder she dumped me,” he laughed bitterly.

“You need to stop,” Michael’s voice was firm.

“What?” Jeremy blinked at him.

“You’re beating yourself up,” Michael called him out, because that was his job. “And as your friend I will not tolerate anyone being a jerk to you.”

“Michael—”

“It’s her loss, dude,” Michael continued. “I’m not saying you’ll find someone a hundred times better, but you’re gonna find someone better for you.”

“I know,” Jermey uttered.

“Someone who gets your jokes, and can see how incredibly adorable you are.” Someone like the boy sitting in front of him who listened when he talked and never thought anything he said was stupid or pointless. Someone who put up with all of his shit because he knew that every dry spell was worth having Jeremy by his side at the end. Someone who loved him for years and never said anything.

“Thanks,” Jeremy was staring at him,

“I’m not just saying that,” Michael needed him to know. “Jeremy, I don’t care how much you wanna put yourself down right now, you’re perfect. You’re smart, and funny, and sweet. You’re everything anyone would want, and on top of that you’re a good guy, and not that bad looking. The right girl is gonna show up.”

“Thank you,” there was something in Jeremy’s eyes Michael didn’t understand.

“Don’t thank me, listen to what I’m saying, because I’ll say it again if I have to,” Michael didn’t know how to stop. This was as close as he’d ever get to spilling his heart out, and damnit he wanted these words to be heard. “Jeremy Heere, you’re—”

He didn’t know that Jeremy could move that fast, but one second he was sitting a foot away from him, that the next his lips were covering his. Jeremy was kissing him. Jeremy Heere was kissing him.

For a second Michael was frozen. For a second he thought that he was dreaming, or hallucinating, or had just briefly completely lost his mind. Then he was kissing back. His hands gripped the collar of Jeremy’s shirt, he felt Jeremy’s fingers tangling in his hair. His eyes were closed. It felt like every sense that wasn’t touch lost it’s ability to function and Michael didn’t care. He poured every daydream, every unrealistic fantasy into this moment.

Then it stopped. Then Jeremy was stumbling back, his eyes wide with something Michael couldn’t read.

Then he was gone and Michael didn’t know how to feel.

* * *

Connor slammed the door of his room. He wanted to scream. He wanted to break something—to pound his fist into the too white walls around him until Zoe or his parents heard the noise of his fists breaking and rushed into the room to stop him. He wondered what he’d tell them this time. He wondered if they’d believed that, no he wasn’t trying to hurt himself again, he was just trying to forget how stupid he’d let himself be.

Because he had been stupid. From that start every attempt to get close to Evan Hansen had been one fucked up stupid mistake. Connor shouldn’t have known better. He hadn’t spent nearly eight-teen years being fucked over by the world just so he could let someone smaller and weaker than him deliver the final blow.

His mind replayed the moment over and over again. He made himself pin point the exact moment Evan realized he’d over stepped. He remembered Evan’s hand on top of his, the smile that had played at the corner of his mouth, and then the fear that flooded that after. Of course Evan was still afraid of him. At least this time he maybe had a fucking reason to be. Connor didn’t know what he would have done if Evan hadn’t ran away.

There was no way the same boy who’d had a crush on beautiful, perfect Zoe actually had real feelings for him. That meant that he’d spent the last night—no, he’d spent the past few days spilling his heart to someone who probably just saw him as a pretty face. He told Evan what had happened after the first day of school. He’d told him why he’d gotten into that fight in the hallway. He’d voiced the very raw hurt of not being able to control his own actions.

He was an idiot.

Maybe Evan didn’t seem the type to play with anyone like that, but he was definitely low enough on the social food chain that Connor had to be the only person he had a chance a at hooking up with. Or maybe this was still about Zoe. Maybe he was smart enough to realize that someone like her wouldn’t be into him, and Connor was the next best thing.

He resisted the urge to destroy the crappy Christmas decorations they’d bought. Having to explain this to Alana or anyone felt almost worse than the knowledge that he was going to have to see Evan again tomorrow.

Connor let himself collapse onto his bed. Crying over Evan Hansen made him feel small and pathetic, but that didn’t stop his eyes from burning. The worst part was if Evan had actually asked Connor out—if he had said that he thought they understood each other and should give things a shot—Connor would have said yes. Despite feeling stupid, and reduced, and laughable, part of him still liked that kid.

He didn’t know how to get that to stop.


	7. Chapter 7

Evan needed to go home. He needed to stop thinking about that look in Connor’s eyes. If it hadn’t started getting dark, he might not have realized how much time had passed. After running out of the fast food restaurant, his legs and taken him to the park he used to go to as a kid.

Connor hadn’t followed him. Not that Evan thought he would. Why would Connor care enough to run after him? Connor hated him now. That was done. All of it was done. He just needed to stop thinking and call his mother to pick him up.

Even through the embarrassment that filled him as he recalled that moment, he wanted to talk to someone. He needed someone to calm him down, but there wasn’t anyone there never was. The whole reason he’d gotten in this disaster was because he thought that Connor befriending him meant more than it clearly did.

Evan imagined explaining the whole thing to Jared. Part of him wanted to think Jared would laugh and make fun of the whole situation. But at the end of the day, when Evan was actually sinking, Jared wasn’t like that. He’d probably try to make light of all of this. He’d try to calm Evan down through jokes that both of them knew weren’t funny.

Too bad Evan had ruined everything with Jared too.

He wanted to apologize. He wanted to tell Connor he hadn’t meant to hurt him, and to tell Jared that he hadn’t been thinking when he said those things. A few days ago, Evan really wouldn’t have thought that either of them were his friends to begin with. Now that they both hated him it was easy to miss them.

This was a great time of year to realize that the only person who really cared about him was his mother, and even she deserved better.

“Hey, do you mind if I sit here?” An unfamiliar voice wrenched him from his thoughts. A skinny boy Evan was pretty sure he’d seen at school before was standing in front of him. “All the other benches have ice on them. Sorry.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine,” Evan quickly stammered, scooting over. “Yeah, it’s, um, really cold.”

“Tell be about it,” the boy let out a nervous chuckle. “I should be inside.”

“Me too,” Evan should be in bed wishing he could dream away the past few hours. “We go to the same school.”

“What?” The boy looked at him.

“I’ve, um, I think I’ve seen you around,” Evan didn’t know why he was still talking. This kid didn’t want to talk to him. He probably just wanted to sit in the cold and be miserable, just like Evan was. “You do theatre, right?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, a half smile forming on his lips. “I’m Jeremy.”

“Evan. My name is Evan, that’s why I just said Evan. Sorry, I,” he took a breath. “I’m kinda a mess right now.”

“Join the club,” Jeremy sighed. His head was in his hands. Evan knew he wasn’t one to judge, but this kid looked on the edge of a breakdown.

“Are you okay?” He asked before he could find a better way to phrase that.

“Yeah, I just—” Jeremy stopped, his exhausted expression morphed into a thoughtful one. “Actually, can I answer honestly?”

“Um,” Evan didn’t know what he wanted him to say. “I don’t understand.”

“You know how most of the time when people ask that they don’t really mean it, it’s more of a formality thing.” Jeremy explained.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“It’s almost night and we’re sitting in the middle of the park so maybe could I not lie for a second?” Jeremy asked directly.

“Yeah,” Evan answered. “I mean, if you want to vent to me you can. I’m kinda having a bad night too.”

“Great,” Jeremy winced. “Well, not great, I don’t—”

“Yeah,” Evan cut him off. “I know what you mean.”

“I messed up,” Jeremy exhaled. “I, so I have this friend. Well, he’s not just my friend, he’s like my other half. He’s been there for me since we were tiny. I don’t think I know who I am without him.”

“Yeah?” Evan tried to make his voice encouraging.

“And,” Jeremy’s eyes were on his hands. “I think he’s in love with me.”

“Oh,” Evan murmured.

“I mean he’s good at hiding it, but I could kinda tell for a while that maybe,” Jeremy stopped, his face contorting into something bitter. “But it doesn’t make sense.”

“Why?” Evan asked softly.

“He could do so much better,” Jeremy seemed to fully mean this. “He’s smart, and funny, and really hot. But I’m a mess and he’s seen all of it.”

Jeremy shook his head. He was trying not to cry. Evan almost wanted to tell him to not fight it. He’d done much more embarrassing things than cry to a stranger in a park.

“I was gonna say something a long time ago but I kept hoping that maybe he’d tell me and we could figure out where we go from there, but—” Jeremy cut himself off. That was when the tears came. “Dear god, I’m so selfish.”

“I don’t think so.” Evan wasn’t sure how to comfort Jeremy. Very tentatively he placed his hand on his back. He didn’t want to over step boundaries, but he didn’t want this boy to think he didn’t care that he was crying.

“No, no, I am,” he shook his head. “I just look like a cry baby now.”

Evan waited from him to calm down. He didn’t say that everything Jeremy was displaying was exactly how he felt too, because that wasn’t what Jeremy wanted to hear.

“So,” Jeremy’s voice fought very hard to be even. Evan would pretend that was how he heard it. “I was being stupid and trying to fell bad about myself, but he wasn’t letting me, and—”

“Yeah?” Evan prompted.

“I kissed him,” Jeremy uttered.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” he laughed but it sounded like a sob. “I don’t know what I was thinking, but he was saying all this stuff that I think he actually believes about me, and I just jumped.”

“What did he say after?” Evan didn’t stop himself from asking.

“I don’t know,” Jeremy looked down again. “I ran away.”

Evan understood that the most.

"I ruined everything,” Jeremy exhaled. “He’s the only good things about my life and I…”

“You like him too,” Evan realized.

“He’s never going to believe me,” Jeremy said weakly.

“Why?” Evan asked.

“He thinks I’m straight for one,” Jeremy stated. “I just stopped dating a girl, and I didn’t tell him the main reason why she left me was because she could tell that there was something there.”

“Why don’t you just talk to him?” Evan tried. “If he’s your best friend he should trust you.”

“How am I supposed to look him in the eye after that?” Jeremy asked openly.

Evan wanted to have an answer. He didn’t even know this person, but he wished he could help, because maybe if he did then he wouldn’t feel as lost and hopeless.

“I made a mistake too,” he said softly.

“You mean you’re not sitting in a freezing park for the fun of it?” Jeremy attempted to joke.

Evan let out a bitter, broken laugh.

“What did you do?” Jeremy asked.

So Evan told him about the letter and the concert and Connor. He told him about how quickly conversations when from uncomfortable to more in sync than he’d ever been with someone. He told him how he’d defended Connor and how Connor had told him things about himself Evan wasn’t sure he’d ever said to another person. And he told him how he’d tried to flirt with Connor and suddenly all the trust evaporated.

“You know what I think,” Jeremy started.

“Yeah?” Evan looked at him.

“I think we’re both fucked,” he declared.

“Yeah,” Evan hummed in agreement.

“Do you think if you told Connor you have a crush on him he wouldn’t freak out as much?” Jeremy asked in a smaller, less certain voice.

“I don’t know,” Evan said honestly. “I should have done that as soon as it happened, but I couldn’t breathe and he was looking at me like I’d just slapped him.”

“You think that might be because he likes you too?” Jermey asked.

“If he did he doesn’t anymore,” Evan said coldly. “He probably hates me now.”

“That’s good.”

“What?” Evan blinked at him.

“He hates you, so you have nothing to loose,” Jeremy said.

“I don’t—”

“If you tell him that you only tried to flirt because you actually want to be with him and you didn’t know how else to tell him and he doesn’t believe you, is it gonna change anything?” He asked pointedly.

“I guess not,” Evan mumbled.

“And if he likes you and wants to take a leap of faith then maybe you can win him over,” Jeremy told him.

“I can’t,” Evan stammered.

“Why not?” Jeremy asked.

“I can’t talk to him,” Evan felt a pit form in his stomach just thinking about it. “As soon as I see him the words aren’t gonna come out. I’ll just be standing there and stammering and he’ll get mad and yell at me and I’ll freak out and he’ll think—Oh God!”

“What?” Jeremy’s voice neared alarm.

“He probably thinks I’m scared of him again,” Evan realized.

For some reason that was worse than Connor hating him. That meant that once the anger had settled, Connor was going to think that even after being honest about everything he was people still saw him as a monster. Evan couldn’t handle being the case of that.

“Okay,” Jeremy said slowly. “I can tell you’re really freaked out.”

Evan chuckled dryly.

“But hear me out,” he kept talking. “Sometimes I give really good advice. When it has nothing to do with me. I should get home, my dad’s gonna worry.”

“Hey, Jeremy,” Evan stopped him from standing up.

“Yeah?” He hummed.

“If I talk to Connor, you talk to your friend,” Evan said as if he knew he’d be able to talk to Connor—as if he knew that Connor would tolerate the two of them being in the same room. “Okay?”

“I can’t just—”

“Why not?” Evan mirror Jeremy’s tone from moments ago.

“I don’t want him to think I’m using him,” Jeremy uttered.

“Because he naturally thinks you’re a selfish person?” Evan asked.

Jeremy opened his mouth to argue but then seemed to think better on it. Evan had a point. They both had points.

“Think about it,” Evan told him.

“You too,” Jeremy said back.

“Yeah,” Evan would. He’d think a lot and maybe something would come of that.

“I’ll see you around,” Jeremy said before standing to go.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

He watched Jeremy go before fishing his phone out of his pocket to ask his mother if she could pick him up. He was going to need to think up a good excuse for this.

* * *

Connor’s family was used to him not coming out of his room at dinner time. He knew before it pissed them off, but recently it had become a “let’s give Connor space” routine. He wasn’t sure which one annoyed him more, but tonight he was at least grateful he wasn’t going to have to face any of them.

For the first time, he wanted them to assume that he was locking himself away because his mind was sick. It just seemed pathetic to have to admit that this wasn’t about the first week of school, or the fight they knew he’d landed himself in. This was about a boy.

An hour after dinner usually ended, he wasn’t prepared for the knock on his door. At first he didn’t answer. His mother would leave if he didn’t open the door, and his father would just come in if it was a big deal. Thirty seconds later there was another knock. Zoe was just as stubborn as him.

“We need to talk,” she said as soon as he opened the door.

“Go away,” he told her. He wasn’t in the mood for this.

“It’s not about you,” her words surprised him.

“What?” He was waiting for a lecture. He expected her to tell him that he couldn’t keep doing this, and he needed to talk to someone.

“What happened in here?” She was looking over his shoulder now.

It turned out not breaking something had been too hard of a feat to accomplish. He was just lucky he hadn’t made a lot of noise. So much as playing music too loud set his parents into a frenzy nowadays. Connor had to keep reminding himself that they had a reason. He’d given them a reason.

“I happened,” he said to his sister.

“Wow you’re emo,” she shook her head, taking this opportunity to step passed him and into the room. She wasn’t good at waiting for formal invitations. He closed the door behind her, he didn’t have the energy to fight her tonight. “Did something—”

“You said this wasn’t about me,” he cut her off.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

She let herself drop onto his bed. He sat next to her. They didn’t do this. They had barely gotten to the point where eating lunch together wasn’t exceedingly uncomfortable. Late night chats were not in their brand of normal. But Connor had just lost someone he thought understood him, he wasn’t going to push away the only person who was still trying. Not tonight at least.

“I need love advice,” Zoe stated.

“You what?” Connor gapped at her.

“Shut up,” she looked a little bit embarrassed. That wasn’t enough for him to exercise self restraint.

“No let me take this in,” he put his hands up to silence her.

“Connor,” her voice had a warning tone.

“You, Zoe Murphy, miss I fucking know everything about the world shut up Connor—”

“That is not what I sound like,” she crossed her arms.

“You are asking me for advice?” He shook his head in mock disbelief.

“This is already very painful,” she informed him crisply.

“You realize that I haven’t been able to get a date since—”

“Since ever,” she finished. “Yeah, I know.”

“Who’s the girl?” He asked.

“Don’t assume,” she narrowed her eyes, but he could tell she wasn’t actually annoyed.

“But it is a girl, yeah?” He nudged her shoulder.

“Yeah,” she muttered. “Shut up.”

“Okay, okay.” A grin formed on his face. A few minutes ago the thought of smiling had seemed impossible.

“So,” she took a breath. “Stop looking at me like that.”

“This is my face,” he said blankly.

“Turn it off.”

“Turn my face off?” He questioned.

“Oh my God,” she groaned. “You’re making this so hard.”

“I’ll shut up,” he allowed.

“Good,” she sighed. “I might maybe have a little bit of a crush on Alana Beck.”

“I fucking knew it,” Connor declared.

“You did not,” she sputtered.

“Yes, I did. I knew after you two baked cookies the other day, I told—” He couldn’t finish that. He wasn’t going to think about that. “Never mind, I’ll be quiet, you said you wanted advise?”

“She had me play this song after rehearsal today,” Zoe told him. “And she got really excited about it. Not just her always excited about every tiny detail routine, instead of exploding she got kinda quiet about it.”

“Right,” Connor nodded.

“And for a second, I don’t know,” Zoe leaned back. "It just really felt like she was gonna make a move. And she didn’t.”

“Okay?” He didn’t get what the huge problem was.

“Connor this is Alana Beck we’re talking about,” Zoe said flatly. “Have you ever seen her beat around the bush over anything?”

“That’s a really weird metaphor to use when we’re talking about her inability to seduce you,” he interjected.

“Ew,” she made a face.

“Yeah.”

“I’m trying to be serious,” she gave him an irritated look.

“I’m trying to make you feel better,” he said back.

“It’s not working,” she informed him.

“Sorry,” he meant this.

For a second, she didn’t say anything. Connor didn’t try to pry what the root of this was out of her. She wanted to tell him. He’d wait until she found the words.

“If Alana of all people is gonna hesitate, what’s wrong with me?” She finally asked him.

“Zoe,” he started. “You don’t seriously think something is wrong with you because Alana wouldn’t kiss you spur of the moment?”

“Okay, maybe not _me_ ,” she exhaled. “But _this_. We don’t talk about it, but it’s hard for me to like people.”

“Join the club,” he voiced.

“I mean romantically,” she informed him.

“How did you know I didn’t too?” He asked just because he knew if he had said the same thing to her she would have gotten on his case.

“Because you hate everything by nature,” she deadpanned.

“That’s true,” he admitted.

“I don’t think I’ve had a real crush since middle school,” she confessed. “And then suddenly there’s this girl who makes me feel a lot of things all at once.”

“A few days ago you hated her guts,” he reminded her.

“I know,” she said almost ecstatically. “That’s what I’m talking about.”

“We’re kinda devoid of emotions as a family,” he felt the need to say.

“That’s not true,” she looked him in the eyes. “You feel a lot. Maybe too much.”

“I never said I fit into our family,” he tried to brush off, because they really weren’t here to talk about him. “You know even people like Alana can get scared.”

“Why would she be scared of me?” Zoe’s voice shook a little bit.

It reminded Connor of back when they were kids and the walls between them hadn’t been built yet. They used to talk like this. Never about girls, but about small things had has seemed big back before they realize how shitty the world was.

“Not of you,” he said firmly. “Of taking a leap like that.”

“Should I talk to her or just…” her eyes went to her hands.

“Just?” He promoted.

“I don’t know,” she uttered.

“Go for it,” he stated.

“Is that you finishing my sentence or telling me to?” She asked.

“Both,” he smiled at her. “Trust whatever you’re feeling.”

“You’re good at talking sometimes,” she smiled back.

“It’s a surprise,” he shrugged off.

She leaned her head on his shoulder. Connor decided he liked this. He liked them being on the same team—being open to each other. He liked that she came to him for help and not to their parents or one of her friends from jazz band.

“Can you tell me why you destroyed your room?” She asked softly.

He didn’t want to. He wanted to burry everything and hope that she didn’t notice. But he knew that not telling her would ruin everything they’d just built. If she was going to let him in, he needed to let her in too. That was only fair.

“Evan Hansen tried to hit on me,” he let the words fall from his lips.

“What?” She sat up to look at his face.

“I mean,” Connor closed his eyes. He didn’t know how to explain this. “It was a very stubble attempt, but that was clearly what he was doing.”

“So clearly the right response was to go on a rampage?” Zoe questioned. She was raising an eyebrow. She didn’t get it. He hadn’t really expected her to.

“He doesn’t like me, Zoe.”

“I think him trying to make a move says something different,” she stated.

“No, he—” Connor didn’t want to tell her that Evan used to (and maybe still did) like her. “I think he’s just using me.”

“For what?” Her voice was softer now. She was trying to reach him. She was trying very hard. That kept Connor’s emotions reigned in.

“A hook up?” He uttered. “A replacement for whoever doesn’t want him, I don’t know.”

“So?” Zoe’s expression was unreadable.

“What do you mean so?” His eyes narrowed at her.

“You could ask him,” she told him.

“You don’t get it,” he muttered.

“You’re right,” her voice was level. “I don’t.”

“I told him about the first week of school.” It was easier to say this than Connor thought it would be.

“Oh,” understanding filled Zoe’s eyes.

“I thought maybe I found someone who understood me,” Connor quickly tried to justify. He needed her to know that he didn’t just drop this on people. He hadn’t told Evan because he wanted attention or sympathy. “I thought I could have a friend who wasn’t freak out over how fucking broken I am.”

“Don’t say that,” she looked like she was going to cry.

“It’s fucking true,” he snapped.

She flinched. He felt regret settle inside him. Sometimes he was pretty sure that was the only emotion he could clearly define.

“Sorry,” he murmured.

“It’s okay,” she said gently. “So, after you told him that he what? Tried to flirt with you?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I told him last night he only did that today.”

“Did you ever consider maybe you’re being to harsh on both of you?” She asked.

“No,” he looked at her. He wasn’t following.

“Connor,” she put her hand on his arm. “Maybe he does understand you and he wants to be with you.”

“That’s not it,” he uttered. .

“Why?"

“Who would want to be with me?” He asked her bitterly.

“I don’t know,” she started. “Maybe someone who realizes that despite that the shit you put yourself thought you’re actually a great guy? Someone who doesn’t judge people just because they can. Someone who magically got you to open up to them about shit you don’t even talk to your family about.”

“You guys don’t want me to,” he started.

“I know, I know,” she stopped him. They weren’t gonna fight about that right now. “Do you like him?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Connor knew that was an answer enough for her to know exactly how he felt.

“I think it does,” she said softly.

“I can’t just take a chance,” he needed her to know.

“How come?” She asked. “It’s what you told me to do.”

“It’s different,” he shook his head.

“Why?” She asked.

“Because you’re you,” he stated.

“What does that mean?” She gave him a critical look.

He took a breath. He hadn’t thought about Evan maybe actually wanting him. That had seemed like too much of a leap. It was too much of what he wanted. Connor didn’t get what he wanted.

“I don’t want to get hurt,” his voice wasn’t louder than a whisper. “Or humiliated.”

“But you do like him,” she asked.

“Yeah,” he admitted.

He liked Evan a lot. Somewhere in the process of wanting to be his friend feelings had set in. If Evan hadn’t pulled this, then maybe Connor could have just ignored them. Maybe he would end up silently pining. He knew he wouldn’t have acted on it.

“It still doesn’t matter,” Connor told his sister. “Even if he does like me, he was way too scared when he ran out to try again.”

“Did you yell at him?” She asked.

“He didn’t give me that chance,” Connor muttered. “He’s smart enough to be scared of me.”

“Or rejection,” Zoe said in a reasonable voice.

“I don’t know,” he exhaled.

“People like Evan Hansen are tougher than they look,” she let him know.

“But I’m not,” he didn’t need to tell her that.

“You are,” she leaned on him again. “You just don’t see it.”

* * *

Jake should have been impressed he managed to get the half dead Christmas tree into his house alone. At first it had seemed like a good spur of the moment decision. He had been sitting alone in the too big living room of his too big house and thought that maybe the place would feel a little bit less depressing if he made it look a little bit more like he acknowledged Christmas existed.

Buying the tree had been easy, people usually don’t asked questions when you have enough cash to pay double the price. Even setting up the stand and making sure it wasn’t going to topple over and start a fire in his house hadn’t been that hard. It was the decorations that set him off.

When Jake was a kid, Christmas was his favorite holiday. He knew that, like most kids, it was because of the tacky material aspects, but recognizing that didn’t stop his love of presents and gingerbread cookies. His parents used to get really into it too. His dad would string lights on the outside of their house, while his mom and him would make a over sugary ginger bread house. He used to count down the days to this time of year.

Standing alone in front of a bare tree made him feel hollow.

He didn’t really think about what he was doing until he had already dialed Rich’s number. The phone didn’t ring for long enough for him to think better of the action.

“Hey, man.” Rich sounded bored. That happened a lot once school was over. Jake still wasn’t entirely sure what Rich’s stance on classes were, but he knew he liked being out of the house and having something to do during the day.

“Do you know how to decorate a tree?” Jake asked. He made his voice nonchalant. It was easier to pretend that he was too stupid to figure out how to string up a few lights than to admit that he was on the edge of breaking down.

“Nope,” Rich laughed. “I can find out, though.”

“Great,” Jake said into the phone. “How soon can you get over here?”

“I’ll leave now,” Rich let him know.

“Cool,” Jake said before Rich hung up.

He sat on his couch. He was going to put on the cheesy Christmas music that he never really stop loving, but his body didn’t want to move. Rich wasn’t supposed to see him like this. Jake was the strong one, he was the one who Rich could lean on when he needed to. It had always been like that. It was easier for both of them if that was how it stayed.

Jake didn’t stand up when he heard the doorbell ring. It took a few minutes for Rich to give up and use the key. He always acted like he forgot it, but Jake knew he put it on his key ring when Jake first gave it to him. He knew that Rich never really went anywhere without a way to get to him. It was sad to take that as more than Rich simply being able to enter his house, but Jake was too tired to stop himself from being sentimental.

“Hey, so I’m gonna try to not be the reason your house catches on fire,” Rich said as he bounded into the room.

Jake wanted to laugh, he really did.

“Are you okay?” Rich asked outright. That was what surprised Jake. Rich knew how much he hid his emotions, he’d hoped that if he noticed something was wrong he wouldn’t know how to address it.

“Yeah,” Jake pulled himself off the couch. “I just didn’t know how to turn the lights on.”

“Dude,” Rich’s hand was on his shoulder. Jake didn’t know how to shrug out of his grasp. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Jake sucked in a breath. He wasn’t doing this. “I’m just tired.”

He tried to move, to walk to the tree he’d actually fucking bought because he thought that he could act like a normal person on a normal holiday. Rich didn’t let go of his shoulder. His hand wasn’t rough, but it was firm enough that Jake knew he wasn’t getting out of this. He had a feeling Rich was stronger than him.

“I just need to—” his voice broke. “Never mind. Maybe you should go, I can figure this out on my own.”

“No,” Rich didn’t move. “You wanted me to come.”

“And now I want you to leave,” Jake shouted.

The next thing he knew Rich was hugging him. For a second, he just stood there. He didn’t know how to react—what did Rich expect him to do? Slowly, he let himself relax. He let his head drop into the crook of Rich’s neck.

“My dad sucks,” Rich started. “But I’d be upset too if he just disappeared.”

Jake couldn’t stop the tears.

“You don’t have to be the strong one all the time,” Rich whispered.

They stayed like that for a while. Jake wanted time to stop around them. He didn’t want Rich to stop holding him, or to have to go back to what the walls real life wanted to set around the both of them. He’d only hugged Rich once before. It was after Rich’s bother had hit him, and, not knowing where to go, Rich had showed up on Jake’s doorstep. It was nearly two years ago. Apparently he’d stood there for nearly ten minutes in the cold because Jake couldn’t hear the doorbell. That was why Jake gave him a key. He wanted Rich to always have a place to run to when he needed it.

Without fully meaning to Jake started talking. He told Rich about how he loved this time of year, how his parents used to make it magical. He recalled the happy memories that only ever confused him nowadays.

“We were so happy,” he whispered. “Why didn’t they take me with them?”

“They’re idiots,” Rich told him softly. “Only explanation.”

Jake tried to laugh, but it cracked and sounded broken.

“I’ve only had you in my life for four years, but I’m never letting you leave,” Rich told him.

“Thanks,” Jake mumbled.

“I’m serious,” Rich informed him. “Never.”

“Okay,” Jake pulled out of the hug. “Never.”

Rich smiled at him. Something inside Jake melted.

“Let’s decorate a tree,” Rich said.

“Yeah,” Jake nodded. “Let’s do that.”

Rich didn’t leave when the tree was covered in lights and ornaments that Jake forgot he still had. Instead he decided they should watch as many Christmas movies as it took for them to both pass out on the couch. Jake didn’t argue. He didn’t want Rich to leave tonight.

They started just sitting next to each other. Jake wasn’t sure who started the leaning, but by the end of the first movie Rich’s head was on his shoulder. The closeness should have put him on edge, but it didn’t. He wasn’t supposed to get this near Rich, because Rich didn’t know half of the thoughts Jake had about him. Jake didn’t know why the fear of his crush being discovered didn’t consume him now.

“Are you gonna turn the TV off?” Rich mumbled after the third movie.

“I can’t stand up,” Jake could barely keep his eyes open.

“I can’t work your TV,” Rich told him.

“It’s a normal TV,” Jake pointed out.

“So?” Rich yawned.

Jake could feel himself drifting off. It was a nice feeling.

“You need to call me more when this stuff happens,” Rich murmured.

“Right,” Jake mumbled back.

“I’m serious,” Rich was leaning over him now, trying to get his attention.

“Okay,” Jake said.

“Promise?” Rich asked through the foggy haze Jake was certain was consuming both of them.

“Yeah,” Jake agreed.

Rich’s head dropped onto his shoulder again. Jake leaned into him. He changed his mind. It was alright that the hug ended. This was the moment he wanted to last forever. If Rich was with him like this, the house didn’t feel so big after all.

“Thank you,” Jake said out loud.

“I love you, man,” Rich mumble back.

They were both barely coherent when their lips met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be up serval hours ago, but I just pulled an allnighter trying to finish a Christmas present...


	8. Chapter 8

It took a lot for Connor to actually leave his room on the evening of the holiday concert. He knew that if he didn’t show up to help set up Alana would kill him, and considering how smitten Zoe was with her it was probably a good idea to make sure she still somewhat liked him. Not to mention, if he didn’t come his community service sentence was bound to change into something more severe. Connor didn’t care about that, but he knew his family did. They didn’t need to deal with his shit over the holiday.

So he and Zoe arrived to the auditorium two hours before the concert was supposed to start. They had just made it into the school parking lot when the weather decided his day wasn’t awful enough.

“It’s snowing,” Zoe noticed first. “Holy shit. Connor, it’s actually snowing.”

“If you call it a Christmas miracle I swear to god I will kick you out of this car,” Connor threatened.

“Stop it,” she rolled her eyes. “Are you gonna talk to Evan?”

“I’m gonna fucking have to,” he muttered.

“Good luck,” she smiled at him.

“Are you gonna talk to Alana?” He asked back.

“I have a plan,” she informed him.

“Well, that only scares me a little bit,” he muttered.

“It shouldn’t,” she shrugged.

When they reached the building Zoe disappeared to find the rest of the jazz band. Connor luged the shopping bags of decorations into the auditorium on his own. Initially he had planned on them picking Evan up on the way and him helping, but Connor couldn’t summon the nerve to text him. He still wasn’t sure how he was going to be able to see him without demanding answers.

It took the night and thinking about everything that Zoe had said for Connor to realize that he did want answers. He wanted Evan to tell him what he’d meant when he put his hand on his arm and looked at him like that. He wanted a conversation that didn’t end in Evan freaking out and Connor getting mad. If this was the end of whatever friendship they had, Evan was going to say it to his face.

Connor knew he wasn’t good at controlling himself. He knew that his emotions wanted to take over—that they’d been in control since he met Evan—but he promised himself he wasn’t going to loose it. If Evan was just using him, he’d find a way to walk away without screaming. He owed that to himself.

Alana was already setting seats on the stage when he walked in.

“I have the shit you wanted,” Connor informed her, throwing the shopping bags onto the stage.

“Great,” she beamed at him. “Could you start hanging the tinsel? I’ll be done with this in a moment.”

“Whatever,” Connor shrugged and did as she said. “Isn’t Evan supposed to be here by now too?”

“Oh, he didn’t tell you,” Alana pursed her lips.

“Tell me?” Connor gave her a confused look.

“He’s not feeling well and he already got all the community service hours he needed yesterday,” Alana explained. “He’s not coming tonight.”

“Oh,” Connor nodded numbly.

There went his chance. There was no way he could corner Evan at school after the holidays. Evan was good enough at hiding to know how to avoid him until graduation.

* * *

Jared didn’t mean to drive to the cafe, but he didn’t see the point in going somewhere else. He had planned the stay in that night. Before the fight, he might have offered to watch the school’s concert with Evan. It would make sense that he had to stay for it since he was helping with it, and Jared knew he didn’t like crowds. Now that they weren’t talking, it made more sense to stay in his room until he died of boredom.

Then the shouting started. Then the walls felt like they were closing in. Then Jared had bolted from the house, jumping in his car, and starting driving without much thought about where he was taking himself.

He wanted to talk to someone. To complain or just fucking admit that he was sick of all of this. He wanted to make fun of Evan’s crush on Connor Murphy. He wanted them to be okay without either of them having to talk about why they weren’t. They were both bad at that part.

When he walked into the cafe he just wanted to drink coco and pretend that he could forget that everything was actually a mess. When the cute barista gave him an odd look, Jared really didn’t care. He was done fantasizing about people he didn’t know, when the people he did know couldn’t stand him.

As he sat, slowly sipping the drink in front of him, he wondered if he’d be able to be the bigger person come January. He could tell Evan he was an idiot and he was sorry and then they could go back to normal. Only that meant addressing it. That meant looking weak in front of the only person who didn’t think he was a complete looser.

Jared hated his pride, but there wasn’t a lot he had besides it.

If he couldn’t even tell his parents that they were freaking him out how on earth was he going to admit to Evan what a mess he was? Jared was doomed. He understood that. He’d spent so much time convincing himself that he wasn’t actually alone, that was exactly where he landed himself.

He was startled out of his thoughts when the barista placed a plate baring the best looking brownie Jared had ever seen in front of him.

“You didn’t mess up my drink this time,” Jared told him.

“I know,” he ran a hand through his hair. “Consider it a Christmas present.”

“I’m jewish,” Jared stated dumbly.

“Oh,” the barista let out a nervous laugh. “Can I sit?”

“Sure,” Jared had no idea why this guy would want to. He had no idea why he was talking to him.

“I hate this time of year,” he told him. “The only nice part is no one really wants to get coffee at night on Christmas Eve. I mean, I’d still rather be at home tonight then waiting around here.”

“Yeah,” Jared murmured.

The bartsia looked at him for a solid second before diverting his gaze to the pastry in front of them. Were Jared in a different mood—had he maybe not made a complete fool of himself before—this would have been a great set up. He didn’t have the energy to flirt right now, and remembering the reaction he’d gotten before didn’t help much.

“Did you get in a fight with your boyfriend?” The barista broke the silence.

“What?” Jared blinked at him.

“I get it,” he kept talking. “My ex and I fought all the time, and it always hurt but it took forever for him to actually end things since, well, we still loved each other at the end of the day.”

“I’m not dating Evan,” Jared blurted.

“I,” the barista was staring at him. “Wait. What?”

“You thought,” Jared started laughing for the first time in days. “You thought I was dating the boy I always come here with?”

“Yeah,” the boy nodded. “You’re always together and you seemed really close.”

“I’ve known him since we were in preschool,” Jared shook his head. “He’s like practically family. That would be like dating my cousin.”

“That,” the barista gapped at him. “That makes so much sense.”

“Wow, you must have thought I was an asshole,” Jared remembered how nervous the boy had looked when Jared attempted to make a pass at him.

“No,” he said quickly. “I didn’t. I was kinda jealous, actually.”

“Eh, Evan’s kinda shy, but if that’s you’re type,” Jared shrugged.

“I meant of him,” he stated.

“Oh,” Jared just started at him.

“My name’s Dustin, by the way.” He let out a nervous chuckled.

“I’m—”

“Jared,” he cut him off. “I remember.”

“Right,” Jared felt frozen. He was gonna fuck this up. This was the most beautiful, god given opportunity he’d ever had and there was no way he wasn’t going to fuck this up.

“So,” the smile in Dustin’s eyes faded. “If you’re not fighting with a boyfriend, why are you here looking sad and not off enjoying the holiday?”

“It’s a long story,” Jared only just got this boy to notice him, spilling that would make him turn around right now.

“We’re in an empty cafe,” Dustin pointed out.

Jared opened his mouth to argue, but suddenly thought better of it. Someone was offering to let him talk about everything that he’d been dying to confide. That someone happened to be an incredibly cute boy who for some reason was jealous when he thought Jared had a boyfriend. He might as well uncork the bottle. If this guy was really into him, he might as well see what he was getting himself into.

So Jared told him about Evan, and his parents, and how completely alone he’d felt until up until a minute ago.

“I complain a lot,” Jared tried to joke when he’d finished.

“I’m sorry,” Dustin exhaled. “That all really sucks.”

“Well, half of it’s my own fault,” he laughed bitterly.

“What are you gonna do?” Dustin asked softly.

“Eh, I’ve got a few months before I can move out,” Jared shrugged. “I don’t plan on living in that house again after that.”

“I meant about Evan,” Dustin spoke up.

“Oh,” Jared’s throat felt dry. “I don’t know. He’s got Connor now. He doesn’t need me.”

“So?” Dustin crossed his arms. “People don’t have friends ‘cause they need them, it’s ‘cause they want them.”

“Then I’m even more screwed,” Jared stated. “Evan can do better. It just took this long for us both to figure that out.”

“I don’t think he’d agree with that,” Dustin’s voice bordered on stubborn.

“You don’t really know him,” Jared reminded him.

“Yeah, but I’ve been watching you guys for the past few days,” Dustin argued. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. That’s one of the reasons I thought you guys were together. He cares about you.”

Jared hadn’t really ever stopped to think that Evan actually liked being around him. Evan had always just been stuck with him. Jared treated Evan like a burden, but he’d always thought that he was Evan’s last resort. Evan couldn’t make friends, but he could follow Jared around. Liking each other had never been part of the deal, but, some how that’s what had happened.

“I think I love him,” Jared blurted.

“You just said he was like your cousin,” Dustin made a face.

“Ew, not like that!” Jared winced. “I mean—fuck, why is this so hard to phrase?—I mean, I think he’s my best friend.”

“Oh,” Dustin laughed. “You’re really dramatic, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded.

“I need to go. There’s this concert at our school, I’m pretty sure he’ll be there, I kinda need to catch him.”

“Do you need moral support?” Dustin asked.

“Aren’t you working right now?” Jared asked back.

“I was gonna quit anyway,” Dustin shrugged.

Jared looked at the boy he had been so certain he did not have a chance with. If he was brave enough to make several years of being a dick right, he was brave enough to go out on a limb.

“Do you wanna go on a date with me sometime?” Jared asked.

“I,” Dustin blinked at him. “Yeah. Yes, a date sounds great.”

“Cool,” Jared smiled at him. “Let’s go crash a concert.”

* * *

 

Heidi had taken the night off of work to go with Evan to the holiday concert he’d been volunteering for. About an hour ago he had declared that he didn’t have to go anymore and locked himself in his room before she could question him.

She was still going to ask. It was her job to ask, even when he didn’t want her to. For now she was giving him space. Something was going on this week that she didn’t understand. After years of finding different strategies to handle the anxiety and Evan’s aversion to most social situations, Heidi had learned what tells linked to what hinders. The look in Evan’s eyes when he’d all of the sudden asked her to pick him up from a park the night before wasn’t anything she’d seen from him before.

For now she was sitting on their couch, still in the blouse and make up she’d planned to wear to the concert

“Mom,” Evan stood in the doorway, his eyes on his shoes. “Can I ask a favor?”

“Does it have something to do with why you were stranded in the park last night and why you’ve locked yourself in your room today?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he looked at her now.

“What is it, honey?” Her voice didn’t come out as pleading as it felt. She just wanted him to let her in. Even if she couldn’t do anything to help. She wanted to know what was hurting him, so at least he didn’t have to carry it alone.

“I, um,” Evan shuffled into the room. He sank onto the edge of the couch. “You know the boy who signed my cast?”

“Well, no,” Heidi answered. “You wouldn’t tell me anything about him.”

“Right, sorry,” Evan’s hand traced the letters on his arm. “But that was because I didn’t know him then. I kinda—I know him now.”

“Yeah?” She asked softly.

“I like him,” Evan stammered.

“Okay,” she nodded. So that was what was new.

“And I messed up,” he winced.

“How?” She asked. “Evan, I know you think you can’t talk to me—”

“That’s not,” he started.

“What is it then?” She stopped him.

“I’m sorry,” he closed his eyes.

“You don’t have to apologize,” she put her hand on his shoulder, gently rubbing circles with her finger tips.

“I promise I’ll explain,” he uttered. “Can you drive me to the holiday concert?”

“You said you didn’t want to go,” she reminded him.

“I changed my mind,” he told her.

“Because of this boy?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” a light filled Evan’s eyes. It didn’t replace the fear and apprehension, but it let hope settle around them. At the end of the day, Heidi would to anything to save that light.

“Okay,” she clasped her hands together. “The weather’s insane, we have to leave now.”

“Thank you,” Evan looked like he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

“You’re not getting out of talking about this,” she warned.

“I know,” he hugged her, “I love you.”

On the drive to the school, Evan confided the cliff notes of the past few days. Heidi listened, and nodded, and tried to drive as fast as she could to the school. They didn’t talk about this sort of stuff. For what felt like too long, they hadn’t really talked much at all. But even back when Evan was a kid he’d never talked to her about having a crush on anyone. The only reason she hadn’t been surprised the day he blurted he was bisexual, was because that at least made a little bit of sense on why he never broached the subject to attraction.

She’d always figured he’d be too embarrassed to tell her about a boy or girl that caught his eyes. That died a lot faster than she thought it would. When Evan talked about this kid, he seemed happy. She’d never seen him want to connect with another person this much.

“I don’t think I’m actually gonna stay for the show,” Evan told her when she pulled into the parking lot.

“Do you know where your friend is going to be?” She asked him.

“No,” he bit his lip. “I’ll find him. I can do this.”

“I know you can,” she squeezed his hand.

“Could you maybe wait here incase I have to, you know,” he winced.

“Escape?” She offered.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“Sure,” Heidi promised.

She watched him run off into the snow. She hadn’t thought it would be chasing after a boy that made her realize how much he’d really grown up. She was proud of him—more than he was ever going to understand.

Heidi was startled out of her thoughts when someone knocked on her car window. At this point, it really shouldn’t have surprised her to see Joe Heere.

“Hi,” she greeted him as she rolled down the window. He was dressed in a not completely shabby suit, two bouquets of roses in his hands.

“God, can you believe the traffic,” he laughed.

“It’s a nightmare,” she hummed in agreement.

“You’re not going inside?” He asked.

“Oh, no, I’m just the get away driver,” she mused. He gave her a confused look. “It’s a long story. Is your kid performing?”

“Him and his friend,” Joe held up the flowers.

“You should probably hurry,” Heidi glanced in the direction of the auditorium. “I think they’re closing the doors.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled nervously. “I’m going now. You look great, by the way.”

“Thank you,” she smiled at him.

He started walking away. Heidi thought about Evan, and how hard it had always been for him to put himself out there. She’d always hoped for the day he’d be able to take a chance without fearing that he wasn’t good enough. If she couldn’t to that herself, then she really wasn’t a good example for him.

She grabbed a ballpoint pen and scribbled ten digits onto an old receipt.

“Joe?” She called, flinging her car door open and running after him.

“Yeah?” He looked concerned for a moment.

“This is my number,” she pressed the receipt into his hands. “For if you ever want to get dinner somewhere that doesn’t have a twenty minute policy.”

“I’d love to,” a grin spread across his face.

“Run,” Heidi pointed to the auditorium. “They’re closing the doors,”

“Right,” he started running, but looked back at her. “I’ll call you.”

“You better,” she shouted back before laughing. She wasn’t entirely sure how she was going to explain this on the ride back.

* * *

Jake and Rich had gone almost the entire day without talking about how they had made out while incredibly sleep deprived the night before. It hadn’t been that hard. Rich decided that they were going to continue to do Christmas things, and they ended up buying a gingerbread house and a bunch of food they didn’t know how to cook before getting snowed in. They weren’t dumb enough to think that they should make snowmen in their completely ill-suited coats.

Jake was proud of how calm he managed to stay. Sure, he was still staring at Rich every second that he looked away, but that wasn’t completely out of the ordinary. For the most part, Rich was acting normal. He seemed a little more skittish that usual, but he had also consumed way too much sugar than Jake should have let him, so there was that.

“Hey, did you want to go to that concert thing?” Jake asked absentmindedly as he dumped their dishes in the sink to do later.

“Aren’t you not allowed on school campus?” Rich pointed out. “Since you’re suspended and all.”

“Eh,” Jake leaned on the counter. “I don’t think they’d really care.”

“I’m bi,” Rich blurted.

“What?” Jake started at him.

“I’m totally bi,” he laughed nervously. “I never told you because I didn’t want to freak you out, but then you were so cool with Chloe dating Brooke, so I thought maybe it wasn’t a big deal. I was gonna tell you yesterday, but then shit happened.”

“Oh,” Jake took a second to process this. “Okay. I am too.”

Rich’s eyes widened.

“Cool,” he nodded, his voice missing nonchalant by at least a mile. “So, can we not do the emotional part?”

“What?” Jake asked.

“You know,” Rich put his hands in his pockets. “The part where I say I’ve loved you since freshman year, but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship because you mean the world to me, and then I start crying. And you either tell me it’s okay and you still want to be friends, or we start making out.”

“Oh,” Jake uttered.

“That part,” Rich stated.

Jake was dreaming. This wasn’t real. Rich hadn’t just told him that he loved him. Rich hadn’t really had feelings for him the entire time Jake had danced around his own. This wasn’t real. This was too perfect, too exactly what he wanted. It scared Jake. It scared him a lot, because he used to have perfect. His entire life used to be perfect, but that abandoned him. He told himself he didn’t want to have something that good ever again. How was he supposed to trust it?

He trusted Rich. He trusted that soft voice with it’s subtle lisp, and the the timid but determined expression planted on that fucking beautiful face.

“Yeah,” Jake uttered. “We can skip that as long as we also skip the part when I say that I also loved you for the past three and a half years and I only got in that stupid fight because when I think about someone hurting you it makes me crazy.”

“Really?” Rich was staring at him now.

“Yeah,” Jake nodded.

“I,” Rich took a breath. “Every relationship I’ve ever watched as turned out to be an emotional rollercoaster where no one ends up winning.”

“Yeah,” Jake murmured. “Same here.”

“So maybe we can not do that,” Rich decided. “The emotional stuff, I mean. We can just love each other and protect each other from the bad shit.”

Jake felt like he was flying. Every bit of him that had been in so much pain the day before was full of a joy he thought he’d never feel again.

“I’d like that,” he pushed the words out without tears.

“Cool,” Rich took a step closer to him. “‘Cause I think we’re both pretty strong.”

“We are,” Jake agreed. “I don’t know if I can punch your emotions, though.”

“That’s fine,” Rich grinned deviously. “I can punch yours.”

Jake kissed him first. That was fair, since he was pretty sure Rich had started it last night. He had to lean down to get the right angle, he saved that detail in his back pocket to make fun of Rich later. Rich’s arms wrapped around his waste. They felt as strong as they looked. Jake let Rich take the lead. He needed a second to savor this moment—to remind himself that this really was happening.

Because this really was perfect.

* * *

Evan didn’t even know if Connor was staying for the concert. He’d just assumed he’d be getting a ride home with Zoe, but the thought that he left after setting up only crossed Evan’s mind when he was searching the filling audience seats.

There was a lot of people. More than he expected. He was standing in the way. Everyone was staring at him. This was too much. He was so pathetic. Connor could do better than someone who couldn’t even stand in a crowded room to find him. And what did Evan think was going to happen when he did? Connor wouldn’t want to talk here. He’d tell Evan to go away. Evan would make him uncomfortable when he didn’t leave, and he’s raise his voice, and then someone would think Connor was trying to start a fight, and it would be all Evan’s fault, and—

He hadn’t realized someone was dragging him out of the room, until he was pulled into the freezing but fairly deserted exterior of the building.

“Evan?” Jared was staring at him. “Evan, you gotta say something.”

It took one second for Evan to wonder what Jared was doing here and another for him to react.

“I’m fine,” Evan exclaimed too loudly.

Jared’s mouth formed a line. He didn’t believe that, but at least he didn’t think Evan was catatonic. Jared had never witnessed a full break down, but he’d come close to a few. Evan knew they made him uncomfortable. Right now Jared just looked worried. Evan didn’t understand how he could look at him at all after everything.

“Thanks,” Evan stammered. “For, um, pulling me out of there.”

“No problem,” Jared said uneasily. Something was bothering him.

That was when Evan noticed that barista from that coffee shop Jared liked to drag him to hovering a few feet away from them. That put a lot of questions in Evan’s mind, but he knew Jared had to be too angry with him to answer any of them.

“Were you guys gonna go see the concert?” Evan tried to remind Jared that he didn’t have to keep standing there. He’d done his good deed of making sure Evan was okay.

“No, that wasn’t really the plan,” Jared glanced back at the boy who flashed him a quick smile.

Evan wanted to be happy for Jared. He wanted to make a joke that wasn’t funny and for Jared and that boy to go inside a be happy. Standing outside in the cold while Connor hated him and Jared didn’t seem to even know how to talk to him anymore hurt.

“Can we,” Jared started. He was looking at Evan’s cast. “Can we talk about what happened?”

“It’s okay,” Evan pushed the words out. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have said any of that, I’m sorry.”

“No,” Jared’s voice was firm. “It wasn’t your fault. Look, I’m a really bad friend, I know that. But, we are friends right?”

“I,” Evan was shaking and he was pretty sure Jared could tell. “I don’t understand.”

“I know I always say that we’re just family friends and that I treat you like shit, and I promise I will stop, I swear to God, Evan I will, but—”

“Jared,” Evan stopped him in a small voice. “You sound like you’re hyperventilating.”

It took a moment for Jared to get the joke. Evan watched him visibly relax.

“I do, don’t I?” He laughed. “I’m really sorry.”

“Thank you,” Evan wasn’t going to tell Jared how much he needed to hear that because he knew that would only really make Jared feel worse.

“I know I can’t make up for everything in just one apology,” Jared told him. “But I’m gonna. Okay?”

“Okay,” Evan hummed. “It means a lot.”

“So we’re still friends?” Jared asked tentatively.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “We are.”

“Good,” Jared grinned. “And, I know you have Connor now, and I’m happy for you, but you’re kinda my best friend.”

“I don’t have Connor,” Evan didn’t mean to say this. He didn’t want to make this about how much of an idiot he was.

“What do you mean?” Jared asked.

“Never mind,” he shook his head. “It’s stupid, forget it.”

“No,” Jared crossed his arms, concern creasing his brow. “Tell me.”

“I,” Evan didn’t know if he could go through this story again. He didn’t know if he could deal with how it wasn’t getting any better. “I tried to make a pass at him, but it freaked him out.”

“Damn,” Jared murmured.

“I’m only here to try to tell him that I actually like him a lot,” Evan sighed.

“Wow,” Jared hummed.

“I know,” Evan muttered. “I’m a mess.”

“No,” Jared said quickly. “That’s, um, that’s kinda brave, dude.”

“Well, it won’t be if I can’t find him,” Evan groaned. “I can’t go in there.”

“So?” Jared asked. “Just wait until he comes out.”

“Oh,” Evan hadn’t thought of that.

“How are you so smart and so stupid at the same time,” Jared shook his head.

“I don’t know,” Evan mumbled. “So, um, why is the cute barista standing there?”

A gleam set into Jared’s eyes.

“You’re so not gonna believe this,” he exclaimed.

Evan let him launch into the story.

* * *

“Where is he?” Alana was pacing. Michael wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her this upset. That being said, this was the first conversation he’d had with her that didn’t involve her talking over him to say something to either Jeremy or Christine.

“He’s not coming,” Michael said numbly.

He didn’t care about the concert. He didn’t care that he was probably about to go onstage and embarrass himself alone. He could get through that. He couldn’t get through his best friend not answering his calls. He couldn’t get through replaying the night before over and over and still not knowing what he’d done wrong.

What hurt was that he knew that none of this was his fault. This was all Jeremy, and he wasn’t even here for Michael to get mad at. He wasn’t even here for Michael to question.

Michael didn’t understand. He didn’t know how someone could do something that impulsive and not stick around for the consequences. He wanted Jeremy to apologize, he wanted him to freak out and promise that Michael was still his best friend no matter what, because that was exactly what Michael would have done if he’d been the one to kiss Jeremy.

Only Michael wouldn’t have kissed him, because Michael had spent years wanting to and knew the price of thirty seconds of heaven. Michael wouldn’t have kissed him because he wanted to. It hurt that the fact that Jeremy did meant that it really hadn’t meant anything to him at all.

Michael thought he was more than that. He thought years of friendship was more than that.

Instead Jeremy was throwing him away and hiding in a corner until the guilt consumed him. Then he’d realize he was alone and he’d apologize and say everything that Michael wanted to hear as soon as he’d made terms with never hearing it.

Jeremy wasn’t the lead anymore. Jeremy was the villain of Michael’s story, because he would always be the one who hurt Michael the most and the only one Michael could never bring himself to hurt back. If he did, it would make him the cruel one. If he did, it would probably end up bringing him more pain than Jermey anyway.

“Can you do it by yourself?” Alana brought Michael out of his thoughts.

“I guess,” he told her. He knew that she was stressed and had no idea what was going on in his head, but whoever was singing on stage in a few minutes seemed so pointless and relative right now.

“I have both of you listed in the program,” Alana muttered. “I’ll make an announcement before you go on. You’re sure he’d not on his way?”

“He’s not answering my—”

“I’m sorry!” Jeremy burst into the green room, hair and clothes soaked.

Every bit of anger Michael had been more than ready to throw in his friend’s face dissolved.

“Did you go out in the snow only wearing that?” Michael demanded.

“Maybe,” Jeremy said shyly, poorly concealing how much he was shivering.

“Are you okay?” Alana asked him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Jeremy let out a nervous chuckle.

“You’re on in three minutes,” Alana told him.

“Great,” Jeremy nodded.

“No, you’re not going on stage,” Michael started. “You look like you’re gonna pass out.”

“I’m just a little cold,” Jeremy tried to assure him. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not,” Michael took off his jacket and wrapped in around Jermey’s shoulders.

“I need to announce you guys,” Alana told them. “Be in the wings in a minute, okay?”

She looked at Michael. Apparently he was the responsible one now. Well, he’d certainly let that go to his head.

“Got it,” he nodded. He waited until she was gone before turning to Jeremy. “Where have you been all day?”

“I’m sorry,” Jeremy’s eyes were full of something Michael didn’t understand. “I should have texted you back. I wanted to but…”

“But?” Michael questioned.

“I’ll explain,” Jeremy promised. “After the show, you’ll understand.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Michael informed him.

“I know,” Jeremy said sheepishly.

“Come on,” Michael could put this aside for a few minutes. “We need to get on stage now.

“Yeah about that,” Jeremy jumped in front of him. For someone who looked half frozen to death, he had a lot of energy. “Can you let me take the lead on this?”

“What does that mean?” Michael asked.

“Just trust me,” Jeremy looked at him with wide pleading eyes. Michael was never going to be able to say no. Even if he knew that this was bad for him—that Jeremy was turning into something bad for him—he couldn’t let him go.

“Okay,” Michael nodded. “Please don’t embarrass us.”

“No promises,” Jeremy winked before pulling Michael into the wings.

They watched the jazz band shuffle off stage, before Alana stepped up to announce them, Jeremy put his phone in her hand and told her something Michael couldn’t catch. She looked skeptical but nodded along to what he’d told her.

“What was that about?” Michael hissed.

“You’ll see,” Jeremy was smiling at him.

Michael thought he’d seen all of Jeremy’s smiles before, but this one was new. He didn’t understand what was behind it, but it sunk through him. If someday Jeremy told him he’d learned hypnotism and had secretly been practicing on Michael for the past four years, Michael wasn’t sure he’d even be surprised. That almost felt like an easier way to explain the power Jeremy had no longer be oblivious to having over him.

They walked on stage. Michael following Jeremy. It was only now that he saw the crowd. It was bigger than he expected. If this was a train wreck they were going to have to hear about it for a while. That didn’t bother Michael that much, but if whatever Jeremy was scheming blew up in his face, there wasn’t an out. Jeremy always cared a lot more about what other people thought about him.

“Hi, everyone,” Jermey said into the mic.

It was too loud. Someone in the audience started laughing. Michael glared daggers in their general direction.

“So for those of you who don’t know us, I’m Jeremy Heere and this is my best friend Michael Mell,” Jeremy looked at him again.

He was calmer than Michael expected. This was the Jeremy who came alive on the stage. He knew what he was doing even when he had no idea what he was doing.

“Hi,” Michael awkwardly waved at the audience. He wasn’t supposed to be standing here. He felt clammy and awkward next to Jeremy’s poise.

“So, Michael and I have been friends since we were basically babies,” Jeremy kept talking.

Why was he telling them that? Why weren’t they singing already. Michael tried to telepathically asked Jeremy what on earth he was doing. It didn’t work.

“And he only agreed to do this because I really impulsively volunteered and was too scared to do it alone.” That smile was back. “So we had a few songs that we planned on singing, but I’m gonna do something stupid instead.”

“What?” Michael asked out loud.

“Alana can you play the music now?” Jeremy called in the direction of the wings.

“So, um,” Jeremy grabbed Michael’s hand. “Here goes nothing.”

Without looking away from Michael’s eyes, Jeremy began to sing one of the absolute worst covers of All I Want For Christmas Is You ever to be in existence. It was the most beautiful thing Michael had ever heard.

Michael could feel his entire face turn red, but he didn’t care. At least one hundred people were watching him turning into a gushing puddle but he didn’t give a damn because Jeremy Heere was serenading him.

“I know I probably should have just said something,” Jermey whispered away from the microphone once the song was over. “But I thought maybe you’d like this too?”

“This is because of the kiss,” Michael was able to stammer.

“This is because I like you,” Jeremy said shyly. “Is that okay?”

“It’s really okay,” Michael laughed. “It’s amazing.”

Someone in the audience that sounded suspiciously like Christine shouted for them to “just kiss already.” Jeremy just looked at him.

“It’s your call,” he stated.

Michael didn’t need any more prompting than that. He flew into Jeremy’s arms, not minding that a good portion of their school were now watching them make out. This kiss was gentler than the one in the basement. It didn’t feel desperate or scared. It didn’t feel like the first and last. It was the beginning of something Michael hadn’t thought he was going to be lucky enough to get.

“I like you too,” he utter when they broke apart for air.

“Oh,” Jeremy let out a laugh. “Good. This would be kinda awkward if you didn’t.”

Michael’s retort was cut off by the crowd in front of them cheering.

* * *

Tonight wasn’t really going how Alana had expected it to. After already exhausting herself from running around there auditorium for two hours praying that her and Connor would be able to set up all of the decorations in time, she really didn’t know how to react to Jeremy Heere’s performance. On one hand, the audience seemed to love it and she was happy to see any too people in love, but on the other this wasn’t supposed to be the kind of show that welcomed that sort of out of no where behavior. She’d wanted this to be professional.

When Zoe walked on stage after then, still laughing at that performance, Alana let herself calm down. She was relieved Zoe had agreed to perform. She was talented enough to make any teachers of administrators watching remember only the highlights of the concert.

From her spot in the wings, Alana watched Zoe’s confidence grow in front of the audience. She listened to her voice reach out of the auditorium and into the freezing night around them. Zoe was remarkable, the was something she knew for certain.

Alana felt guilt start to knit in her chest. She needed to say something about how she just left after rehearsal the day before. There was a chance Zoe hadn’t noticed anything. That was what made the subject so terrifying.

If she was being completely honest with herself, Alana wasn’t good with people. She was terrible at interpreting social skills, and when romance was added on top of that she was completely hopeless. Could she even call this romance? She honestly had no idea.

It was so possible that she had read everything wrong. That the crush she had on Zoe had clouded her judgement and there really wasn’t any chemistry between them. Was that worth risking her shot at a friend?

Zoe had made her feel welcome and warm. She wanted that even if it had to remain platonic.

The audience exploded into applause when Zoe finished her song. Alana joined them. She still wasn’t sure how someone like Zoe existed. Zoe was beautiful, talented, and didn’t let other people push her around. She really couldn’t see anything in Alana. Ignoring her feelings had been the right call.

“That’s was beautiful,” Alana said when Zoe stepped back into the wings “I can’t believe you can sing like that, it’s—”

In a swift and almost practiced motion, Zoe closed the distance between the two of them. It was a smooth kiss, not that Alana was at all experienced in that sort of thing. Zoe’s lips simply brushed hers softly, before she pulled back.

“I didn’t think you were gonna do anything about it,” Zoe stated.

“I wasn’t,” Alana uttered.

“Is this okay?” Zoe asked in a more hesitant tone.

Alana didn’t answer, instead she planted her lips on Zoe’s again. She was gonna be late to announce the next performer. For the first time this week, the concert was the last thing on her mind.

* * *

Connor promised he’d watch the jazz band perform and Zoe’s solo. That was part of him trying to be a half decent brother and showing his parents that he could be docile in a public place. That didn’t mean he was going to sit through the entire show. It wasn’t that Connor thought the other performers where terrible—he did, but that wasn’t the point—the longer Connor sat in a confined space full of his peers the more he felt eyes on the back of his head.

Everyone in their school had an opinion about him. Recent events hadn’t helped this. He couldn’t stay in his environment any longer than necessary. So when Zoe finished singing and he made a mental note to bug her about having the voice of a fucking angel, he told his parents he’d be in his car and slipped out of the room. He’d made sure his seat was on the aisle for this specific purpose.

It was colder outside than he expected. It usually didn’t snow, and never this much. Connor didn’t understand how being half frozen to death was a part of the holiday spirit. This was why he was such a downer all the time. Okay, that wasn’t true but he’d pretend it was until he was in his car with the heat running.

“Connor!”

He was positive he’d never heard that voice that loud before. Connor turned around to see Evan Hansen running toward him. Behind him was Jared Kleinman and a boy that Connor had never seen before. He didn’t want to do whatever this was in front of an audience. Still, that might even be worth it if Evan was actually seeking him out.

“Alana said you weren’t coming,” Connor said when Evan caught up to him.

“I was, then I wasn’t, then I did,” Evan sputtered nervously. “It’s, um, it doesn’t matter. I thought maybe we could talk? Please. For just a minute.”

“Yeah, okay,” I think I can spare a minute.” Connor glanced behind Evan. “You gonna tell your body guards I’m not gonna hit you?”

“They’re not,” Evan turned around then back to Connor. “They don’t think that—I don’t think that—”

“It was a joke,” Connor told him dryly.

“Oh, um,” Evan’s hand pulled at the hem of his shirt. He wasn’t at all dressed to see the concert. Actually, he looked more like he’d only just gotten out of bed a few minutes ago. “Jared could you guys—”

“Yeah, we’re going.” Kleinman shot what Connor would assume was a warning look in his direction before disappearing with his arm around the other boy’s shoulders.

“Sorry, I didn’t bring him here,” Evan tried to stammer in explanation. “He um just showed up.”

“That’s good that you’re getting along again,” Connor said before he could remind himself that the more he showed he cared the weaker it would make him look if Evan was only here to mess with him.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded meekly.

“So?” Connor promoted.

“Right, I’m sorry,” Evan flinched. “I’m really bad at this.”

“At what?” Connor asked.

“Talking,” Evan uttered.

“Hansen,” Connor wasn’t doing this. He just wanted an answer, not to dance around the subject.

“I’m sorry,” Evan stammered.

“Don’t apologize when you don’t actually do anything,” Connor told him.

“I mean, I’m sorry about yesterday,” Evan explained.

“Oh,” that took a second to sink in. Then Connor felt sick. “So it didn’t mean anything, then?”

“I didn’t say that,” Evan jumped.

“Why would you apologize if it did?” Connor all but demanded.

“Because it still hurt you,” Evan said seriously. “Connor, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have tried anything, especially out of the blue like that. It wasn’t fair to put you in that position and it really wasn’t fair to run away after.”

“You were scared,” Connor muttered. “I get it.”

“Not of you,” the nervous energy wasn’t in Evan’s voice anymore. He was looking at Connor with a strength and certainty Connor hadn’t expected in this moment.

“What?” He asked dumbly.

“I was scared that you wouldn’t want to see me again and,” Evan sighed. “I don’t know, I just panicked.”

“Why?” Connor let the world fall form his lips.

“Because I have anxiety and—”

“No,” Connor stopped the babble before it started. “I mean why did you imply that you like me?”

“Because I do,” Evan stated like it was simple.

“Evan—”

“I want to date you,” he clarified quickly. “A lot.”

“I don’t,” Connor was at a loss for words.

“Oh,” in less than a second, all of the light in Evan’s eyes died. “That’s okay, I didn’t think you would after that, and I know I’m not exactly what people—”

“Stop,” Connor didn’t mean for his voice to come out as a shout. “No, that’s not what I was gonna say. Do you have to jump the gun on everything?”

“Yeah,” Evan said flatly.

“Well, you’re honest,” Connor ran a hand through his hair. Evan just watched him expectantly. “Promise that you’re not fucking with me.”

“Why would I do that?” Evan asked.

“I don’t know, maybe because I’m the school freak and no one has ever shown the slightest interest in me since elementary school,” Connor said bitterly.

“Don’t say that,” Evan’s voice hardened.

“Evan, it’s not an exaggeration,” Connor wasn’t even self conscious about it any more. “I’m a loner, I don’t think anyone’s ever thought about asking me out since—”

"I mean, don’t call yourself a freak,” Evan cut him off.

“It’s true,” Connor uttered.

“It is not,” Evan’s eyes held Connor’s gaze. “Connor you’re the only person in this entire school who’s ever reached out to me. You’re the only person I’ve ever met who’s tried to understand me without judging me first. You’re the only one I trust enough to tell the truth about how I broke my arm. Connor you’re warm, and empathetic, and really beautiful.”

“Evan,” Connor knew he was staring. He was probably gaping too, but he couldn’t stop himself. He wanted to hear those words over and over again, because when Evan said them like that it was really hard not to believe him.

“I didn’t mean to say that last part,” Evan said sheepishly. “I mean, it’s true but I was trying to talk more about emotional stuff, because I don’t just like you because you’re pretty and all.”

“You promise you mean this?” Connor asked softly.

“I do,” Evan nodded.

“Okay,” Connor took a breath. He wanted that just to be it, but he knew that if they were going to do this they had to do it right. “Don’t interrupt me for a second.”

“Okay,” Evan looked at him cautiously.

“I’m messed up,” Connor let the words tumble out. “I know you don’t believe me, or you want to see the good in me, and I’m not saying that the bad outweighs that but that doesn’t mean its not there. I’m trying to get better, I’m trying really fucking hard, but that’s only after I spent years giving up. A lot of that is still written into my system and it’s not gonna go away over night.”

“I know that,” Evan murmured.

“Evan—”

“Right, not interrupting!” He chirped.

“It’s really hard for me to trust people,” Connor confessed. “If I hadn’t read your letter and been trying to get the nerve to talk to you for months this would have gone down a lot differently.”

“You wanted to talk to me?” Evan’s eyes were wide. That tiny barely significant detail made him look so happy. Despite standing in the middle of the snow, Connor felt warm.

“Yeah,” he told him. “It’s really hard for me to accept that I’m even allowed to have anything good in my life. I’m starting to change that, but it’s not easy.”

“I know.”

“But if you’ll be patient with me,” Connor took a step forward. “I swear to God Evan, I will try as hard as I fucking can for you.”

“You mean it?” Evan asked in a small voice.

“Yeah,” Connor’s hands found Evan’s. They were both freezing, but Connor didn’t have it in him to mind.

“I’m broken too,” Evan said softly.

“I know,” Connor whispered.

“And I’m always gonna be a little bit scared you don’t want me,” Evan told him. “I’ll try not to be, but I’m used to assuming the worst.”

“I understand that,” Connor really did.

“Maybe we could try to fix ourselves together?” Evan looked so hopeful.

“Can I kiss you?” Even after saying all of that Connor needed to know it was okay. He needed them both to be on the same page for now and how ever long this moment lasted.

“Yeah,” Evan uttered before he leaned in.

They met in the middle. Connor figured that said something about how this was going to have to work. Evan’s lips were soft and his breath was warm. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan’s shoulder, pulling him close to him. Evan’s hands cupped Connor’s face. Their lips moved together. It was clumsy and a little awkward, but Connor really hadn’t expected much less from either of them.

This was them.

They were kissing in the middle of the snow on Christmas Eve. It was cheesy, and stupid, and far more romantic than anything Connor ever thought he’d experience. He wanted to laugh, and cry, and spin the both of them around because this shit didn’t happen to him.

“Everything okay?” Evan hummed when he pulled his lips away.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. He ran his fingers across Evan’s cheek. “This is gonna sound really dumb.”

“What?” Evan raised an eyebrow.

“You’re making it really hard for me to hate the holidays right now,” Connor stated.

Evan laughed. Connor did too.

When the concert was over, he’d greet Zoe with his arm still wrapped around Evan and ask her how things went with Alana. He’d let Evan reintroduce him to Kleinman, because he wasn’t sure he could find it in himself to continue disliking anyone Evan called a friend. He’d spend the next day with his family hating the tedious routine of Christmas a little bit less. He’d smile more.

He’d smile a lot more, because he was always going to have the beautiful memory of kissing Evan Hansen in the snow. Despite all of the shit the past few months had put him through, and despite all of the shit he knew was yet to come, Connor knew he was gonna be okay. Because no matter what came crashing down, right now he could see that love was actually all around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! I hope you all have a safe and warm holiday!


End file.
